[F4TFriday] Was / Am I Crazy ?

Am I going crazy ?

That wasn’t a totally silly question.  As I now know, melody has been there for a very long time although largely ignored.  The first time she grabbed control and wouldn’t let go was a scary mental episode to come to terms with.

I know it’s not a coincidence that she did so a couple of days after the first ever brainwashing session with my domme.  Compared to how those are now, it was quite tame at less than 4 hours.  Even today I have no idea what within that hypnosis gave such an impetus to melody.

But there she suddenly was !!  Not in all her glory as yet, but absolutely 100% in charge of body and mind.

How did I know and recognise that this change had happened ?

Emotions !!

He had learned at a very young age how to build an invulnerable wall against emotion.  Keeping it out with logic and reasoning.

Perhaps one mental vision I have (or had) of the duality was how you might read in a book where there is soul or spirit possession.  Where one entity describes either being in the background and observing the other, looking out through the eyes of another person/persona.  And then, maybe periodically, managing to be the one who takes control for a while.

melody had been the one in the shadows, not really having the strength to grasp any opportunity.  Jeez, did she grab it this time.  The defining factor that made me truly certain she was in control was the way she reached out to feel, even feed on, emotions.  It was an emotional tsunami that left me tearful, knotted stomach and so many other alien feelings and sensations.  Within a matter of a couple of hours my mental processes were recognisably different to the last thirty-plus years.  Reactions to stimuli no longer reasoned or ignored, instead triggering raw emotion and barely recognised, though intense feelings.

Even the control of muscles and limbs felt different.  More aware of female mannerisms.

The way thoughts formed and what they were about were different.  I can only categorise them as traditional female thoughts based around melody’s concept of female as opposed to ‘his’.

The mental energy that she was consuming was prodigious and she wasn’t going to stop.  Finally grabbing her freedom she had so much to catch up on, sensations to experience.

You might agree that wondering if I was crazy was a legitimate question by now.

She maintained that primacy of control for fully three days until she’d consumed every erg of mental energy whilst maintaining an emotional intensity that kept me tearful the whole time.

Exhausted she let go and of necessity he came back.  However, the pathway for her to assume control was now there and he never regained enough control to close it, not that he wanted to, in some sort of recognition that it was her time at last.

She learned to use that pathway to assume control more freely.  Less exhausting each time.  I wonder if the intensity of that first time was her fear of not being able to get back in again and taking every sensory and emotional opportunity she could muster ?

With increased frequency of taking control the intensity did smooth off.  I think she was learning how to ‘live’ within the available energy, calling him back when she drained the reservoir, until she didn’t need to call him back any more.

I did seriously have to consider at the time if I was going crazy with some sort of psychotic episode.

Some may say I am actually crazy because the result is that these days melody is 100% in control.  There’s a theory with some friends that ‘he’ doesn’t exist any more.  Being completely in charge, the emotional processing is nowhere near as intense, but it is an aspect that continues to identify melody.  Perhaps the one thing to eventually convince me that this was a new reality was finding I have a different Myers-Briggs personality profile.  It kind of made sense of everything.

In the space of a couple of years I’ve migrated from an emotionless being to one who lives with emotion close to the surface.  As those same friends say, God help melody and us all if she ever takes female hormones.