SwirlingFire: #Blocked

Your grief is not tolerated here – #Blocked

I was angry in the past when I was unable to articulate the flood of memories of my past and later life trauma returning.  Unfortunately people were caught up inside my emotional tsunami.  A SwirlWind or a SwirlStorm as it was later referenced

Only a few people had the emotional intelligence to understand what was going on with me a few months ago.

Even though the glaringly obvious stages were visible to an experienced and/or trained eye. I hadn’t reached that point myself

I was grieving

I was grieving for all my lost years

I was grieving for my own Death

Inconsolable
Clinging
Needy
Angry
Tearful

It was without question that I was in deep denial.  The NC d/s had started around the same time as my memories unlocked.   The bargaining and depression were caught up and clouded with the “Silent Treatment” – which presented as self blame and anger at my stupidity for allowing myself to get mixed up with “The Mind Wizard”

I was rarely given understanding to work through the death of my innocence and good years as one would extend care and compassion to a physical death of a relative.  At times I was difficult rather than asserting myself and using my voice in a positive way.  I didn’t know how to do that.

I’m still learning how to communicate as an “intelligent adult”.  I’m still realising I lost a massive chunk of the all important late teen to early twenties formative years.  Learning who I am.  Learning about my life and the people in it.  Now I’m of an age that I should’ve been married with a happy healthy family.

It’s too late for me for all of that.  Opportunities lost with people and places that so many take for granted.

I’m too old to relearn the basic building blocks and start from fresh.  I mean, I can learn and process and apply where possible.  To actually use the new lessons from therapy have arrived far too late to make a massive impact on the quality of my life.  I’ve unwittingly trapped myself into an ever decreasing circle of sociability and reaching for a new life.  I do want to have a good life rather than merely existing and becoming sole full time carer for #Mothership.

I’m not sure how to launch myself into a new way of being.

For now all I see is quiet loneliness.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 5 January 2019