SwirlingFire: Burn

CONTENT WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

Emotional Abuse

Burn

I’m feeling extremely fragile today.

This morning a light bulb moment not only flashed, it also shattered.

It all started reading a wonderful post via ‘ Floss does life ‘ about humiliation / degradation and how it plays out in scenes for both the Top and the Bottom.  That blog was nothing to do with anything I’d experienced but it was the light of a million tunsgten light bulbs rendering me panicked and distressed to what I now recognised had been turned on me and my failure to recognise danger.

Way back when I first starting spending time with mindWizard I had no idea what my kinks were or how to articulate them.  Being sent the typical B&W perfect bodied photos were all well and good but it was too romantic, caring and loving.  As a mentored virgin sub in training I was told none of that would be available to me.  I was not allowed to have feelings or fall for him.

I didn’t have any understanding of having an humiliation/degradation “kink”.

Learning with this “man” –  that’s how I thought it always was to be with a man that didn’t (Accurate quote that still burns):

 “want to be in a relationship with somebody like (you) ….. (you’ll ) turn into one of those women that stalks me.  (You) frighten me…”

That was screamed  at me during a rare phone call over a very silly misunderstanding lost in translation via text.

I was stunned and shocked at the venom that landed on me from seemingly nowhere.   I was at a loss to understand what on earth was so distasteful in my speech patterns that my d/s mentor and trainer would say such cruel things to me without warning or extreme provocation if I’d displeased him.   he also decided approx twice a month we would  have regular non mon sex within boundaries.  I was told he was “ poly “ – when I asked questions the answers didn’t feel ‘right’.   My boundaries were dismissed and ignored. My dating history was a mess.  I never felt safe with men.  At that time I hadn’t accessed my trauma.  Years of the way women are conditioned had made me conclude it was always my default.  This particular man’s behaviour in both comments and actions were very familiar to me.

This is how men behave when you date.

All boundaries were set by him.  I didn’t know any better or why he would say such things to me.

It hurt.

I realise now this was the start of his nonsense.   I probably hadn’t done anything wrong – I accept responsibility that probably my awkwardness in phrasing my fears had  been his verbal cues.  His reactions were new to me.  Had my  questions which alerted him to my gut feelings kicking in and picking at the very edges of his sticky back plastic fake veneer made him accelerate his “abusive kinkyfuckery” ?

I was told to have a long hard think about what we were doing and why I felt he should continue to be my mentor/trainer/proxy dom/lover.

“……put it in an email and we’ll discuss it…… “

He acknowledged the email.   he didn’t respond to its contents.

It cut so deeply to be dismissed that we didn’t communicate for a long time afterwards.

This was the first time I now recall the “silent treatment”.

I asked for feedback when we finally started talking regularly again.   he denied all knowledge of ever receiving my email letter.

By then he’d choked the oxygen from my brain (figuratively and physically).  he had already put his hands around my throat to hypnotise me from the start (I was clueless and therefore non consensual) – rendering me incapable of thinking clearly for myself from very early after meeting until a very long time into the future.

I’d lost grip on reality.

I’d also lost the ability to rely on gut instinct.  The adrenaline “flight” response ?  he killed it stone dead.

What remained was the adrenaline phase of “Friend/flop”.   I was just a piece of cheap meat to be used and discarded strictly for his own perverse sick pleasure.

No care.  No feelings.  No respect.

Rarely would I be praised or timely thanked for sexual tasks/pics (which I disliked doing.  It was that or extreme silences) or assured everything done to me and snarled at me was “play”.

The sickest thing of all – this is how men had always behaved with me in private.

I was never his Good Girl. This phrase was used as a control and for me, not as a reward.

The phrase was only used to fob me off when I started asking questions.

“…. Daddy is about to go into a meeting. I’ll phone you later…”

That call never came.

The familiar silent treatment started.   I was sent the familiar stomach churning text – rarely phone calls.

I was not allowed to phone him.  I had to request permission to phone him.  I never asked.  I wouldn’t demean myself to beg to hear his voice.  That was something he should have wanted to do?  I understand now that the resentment over this one withheld act of kindness was the primary catalyst to gradually losing my respect for him.

Text blinking its notification in the preview window – in future it was often into double figure hours or a full weekend after a task pic:

“GoodGirl. Thank you”

And  then not too many days after, I was punished for asking any question that scratched the underbelly of his deceit and mellifluously toned lies.

Ask.  Insult.  Silence.  Crumbs.  Relief & Compliance.  Praise.  Repeat

The cycle had been carved in stone.  It took a very long time to realise the holding pattern was a perfect guise to fuel the savage beast and still give him access to all the other women paraded across the timelines.  Collared and in “relationships” with him faster than some change their bio.

I was not allowed to use the words “relationship” and “dynamic” with him.

“We dont have a dynamic. I told you when we met. This is not  relationship. I’m training you to find your own dom“

The chemicals in my brain had turned my thinking upside down.  It was too late.  The damage had already been done.  I accepted his ways as “that’s  how  a sub is trained”  – I had no means to discuss anything with anyone as I wasn’t to have my name linked to his “privacy”.  I realise how dumb this all seems to all you healthy kink people.  It’s unfathomable isn’t it ?  How do you vet a d type when one can’t say he’s training you ?

Charming, captivating, articulate, tall, impeccably dressed, perfect manners and a gentleman.  Handsome, professional corporate/company owners.

I’d realised I had a certain type.   A dominant character to awaken my semi hidden submissive traits.  A man strong enough “to handle“ me.  The qualities that were unknowingly seeping from me and always why my dating with men ended badly ?

I was told it was my fault for the way men betrayed me in violent ways ?  What I hadn’t yet understood at that point, was why the patterns of abuse forever repeated.  What had I not learned to be able to capture romantic love care and respect ?

It was like this for everyone ?  Except other women knew how “to play games” that eluded me.

The more questions I asked of mindWizard to learn and understand or send a pic to discuss if I could try it or what he wanted and suggestions of his, I resisted, I found myself punished without warning for extended periods of time.

mindWizard had learnt so much about me in conversation of previous months, he now had every trick in his narcissistic arsenal to hook me in and keep me addicted.

For Years.

Scant after care.  No reassurances of being valued for serving daddy.  Tearful on the journey home.  He rarely texted after a visit.  I was left alone to “drop” for many days afterwards.  It was months before I knew “drop” was a thing to tell him how I wasn’t coping.  The adrenaline surges for a novice sub are a shock.

Whenever I hear the words “good girl” – I feel nausea rise and the bile catches me almost ready to vomit.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 13 March 2019

Some background reading I found 15 March.

The Dangers and Signs of Twue Doms and Emotional Abusers in the BDSM Community via @IAmMissRuby