SwirlingFire: Eggshells

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Day 93 – No Contact

I’ve felt weak many times but resisted the strong pull to message. It wasn’t easy but I’ve stayed strong.  This is the longest time period I’ve ever known without any form of contact from him.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good but drained.  My block booking work shift changed last minute from today until next Friday.  An unexpected lazy morning.

I saw a photo album reminder/notification on my phone – some photos I’d have  preferred not to see but not too stressful plus a few screen shots of a conversation.  Rare and very kind words from him when I was particularly “fragile”.  (I must try to figure out how to turn off that photo reminder function).

The pictures were a throwback to happier times and the very early days of exchanging pics/gif, thoughts and fantasies.  These things are not meant to be real life consent – Are they ?  I’m still very confused trying to recall conversations to agree on a list of “do this with me” or strict exchange of information of “never do this with me. Ever”

The  two most distressing and NEVER things I specifically insisted upon,  he rarely remembered until I flinched away from him.  Well, as best as restraints would allow.

The truth in my current mindset right now –

 There were never any consensually mutual talks. Ever

I don’t recall any agreed lists.  Not a real face to face talk, a written list or an online checklist to complete – easily done when meeting for lunch, dinner or travelling to meet for the weekends ?  I know my conversations concerning certain topics were painful and excruciatingly difficult for me.  I gave brief information regarding my trauma memory recovery with him.  All the more reason for asking and jointly agreeing what was acceptable ??

[[**I don’t know why I’m tip toeing around this section.  Even writing this whilst spell checking I feel jumpy and nervous **]]

This is my inner babble & learned self protective talk from communicating with him showing itself again.

This is how clever they are, how deep they get inside one’s mind.

#Gaslighting

Forever doubting myself and previous conversations.

So this morning, after a fairly rare and decent sleep, brought on by a few busy work shifts, I really felt I was doing fairly well.  I was feeling marginally better about myself. Little niggles and negative comments creeping in now and again.  I usually manage to pull myself back up and have, in my own opinion, done quite well recently.  I’m trying my best to not lean on initial/offered kindness from the people of Twitter.  I’m doing my best to no longer be a tiresome drain or burden to folk as I, no doubt, have in the past. For the best part I’ve now distanced myself from many.  They don’t need to have me boring them to death.  They have their own lives and real friends and work etc.

Today I read a very short sentence that made me realise I’ve not really done that well at all in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, seductive coercion, breached boundaries not consensually established.

The person sending the message didn’t have an inkling and so would never have known.

They play no part in any of this..

To be completely truthful ?  If a therapist asked me to write a list of trigger words/phrases I doubt I would ever even think of this one.  It had slipped effortlessly into part of a regular cycle.  All the old sensations and thoughts of panic returned immediately.  It was a shock.  At this moment in time, it’s abundantly clear to me, that I realise that, had I received a regular friendly message from the Narc, then his words still had power and control over me.

The phrase was

“You’re missing the point………”

Within milli nano seconds I instantly felt embarrassed uncomfortable anxious and tearful.  Without even thinking about the whole context of the chat.  That it wasn’t the prelude to punishment.  I responded naturally as I would have responded to him in the past and in a panic to respond as fast as my data connection would allow.  My auto pilot protection kicked in at lightening speed,  I already had my well worn,  carefully constructed, ready made, tried and tested phrase from treading on eggshells in the past. A reply that didn’t provoke an argument.  Or worse, find myself punished and the very familiar silent treatment until I could bear it no longer and initiated first contact days later in a very distressed and confused mindset.

“Oh. Whoops. Apologies”

 

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 25 November 2018