SwirlingFire: Hey Swirly …. Read This !

CONTENT WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

• Sexual Assault Recovery
• Rape References – no details
• Mental Health
• Emotional Abuse

A kindly DM from a follower recommending I read a blog post.  I was cautious as I generally disregard bloggers that refuse point blank or rarely use CW on any of their posts.

I read the piece after being assured it was not detailed or contained “triggers” (some catch me out to be fair)

It was the way my brain processed not having sexual trauma memories for many years, (as I thought it was all my responsibility) then being tricked by the mindWizard to trust him and pull every secret, fear and frustration from me (to later) use against me.

I’m mostly “at peace” with the different rapes.

The counselling unlocked/clarified and acknowledged what mindWizard had done.

Finally admitting way too late to my therapist that I am a submissive female helped me to understand that I wasn’t falling apart or going crazy.

On discovering my submission and finally hearing that the non consensual parts of d/s was not normal behaviour and has turned me into a craving mess desperate for his approval and his acceptance.  Having him throw me crumbs of attention when convenient for him (no one better in his cross hairs), the adrenaline surges had unlocked the addiction to him.

The majority of his behaviour, attitude and conversations with him were not always healthy D/s ways.

This I now know, is emotional, mental and sexual abuse.

Active regular Consent and understanding what I’d agreed to was not given.

This is what I’m working through now.   The biggest betrayal.   I was saying the other day to melodyInsights.com that all my blogs are based around Narc abuse.

I don’t even recognise it’s me.  From that place forward I lost connection with my former @ because many knew the identity of the man. They didn’t take sides. Mostly refusing to believe my words/pain.

I became Swirly

Instead of responding to the DM, my mind swirled into the following “open letter”

Raw Shame by Asrai Devin

This is how I was 6 years ago.  Coping mechanisms but totally oblivious why I felt the way I did

Totally oblivious to all the episodes of trauma I’d permanently locked away.

I was:

Numb
Disconnected (which appears to now be my writing style)
Passive aggressive (but didn’t know i was)
A Bitch – which I did know but not the cause
Sad
Lonely
Restless
Dispassionate
Unsympathetic
And more numb

The only way to get through these states are to make one of two choices:

Stay exactly as one is unhappy/mentally unhealthy/lonely and living in sweet sweet denial – repeating bad habits and hiding from your truth

OR

Take time to research the best type of counselling.
If one is in pain but doesn’t know why then therapy will force attention to find, address then work through the reasons THEN figure out how to heal

Its fucking painful.

Its grieving in ways you’ll never understand if you’ve been fortunate to live a charmed life devoid of trauma* (*sexual assault/Rape).

The pain is unlike any other.  Memory retrieval where returning facts are unannounced.

Its insidious the way life experiences creep into one’s mind and feels as though they’ll all but destroy.

The trauma memories will beat you into pulp.

THEN you get to the stage I’m at – knowing what happened…. working through it. Listening to the doubts questions and memories resurfacing and swirling in your brain/consciousness.

And only then you’ll be Working bloody hard (with the therapist and homework) to rebuild what’s left of your life to start again.

To Build new healthy foundations;

Learn what boundaries are and which ones are needed.

Struggling to put all the shatterred pieces back together again

You can choose the best way forward for yourself.

For those that are reading this and have been taken into the confidence of a survivor – I have some thoughts you should try to remember.

If you are taken into that part of your friend’s life then be sure you’re strong enough to support them, then do so.  Under no circumstances be a fairweather or flaky friend or a nosey acquaintance that vanishes when the ride gets bumpy.  Be constant and available when your friend is ready to talk, often repeating themselves as part of their processing or do both of you a massive kindness and stay the hell away from being a trusted confidante.  Be all in or all out.

Continue holding their hand, help by making it an easy pathway and be unshakeable with your support whilst they navigate their ultimate journey through living and waking Hell.

I don’t have any real life in person friends to provide support.

I’ve relied (at times stupidly) on Twitter pals for support.

These Twitter friends are not qualified or able to solve my issues.  I’ve never once expected them to fully understand or to offer advice.

Just to listen on the rare occasions I’m ready to talk….

Those that are familiar with me before during and following all the counselling I’ve had assure me they see positive changes.  Counselling may not be for everybody.  I would definitely recommend a few sessions for those overwhelmed or easily triggered.  It’s not a cure all in it’s own merit.  It’s an investment towards the rest of your life and your sanity/good mental health.

I don’t see myself in focus most of the time.

I’m a better person now for their support.

This is definitely not a doom and gloom piece.

Its saying that’s who I once was

I’m working on the future me

It’s not easy

Its difficult to work through why ones decisions were bad choices and how it takes time to think about yourself differently.

On a positive note – the strength I’ve gained through trauma therapy and unwavering support from two amazing Twitter folk – I’ve been approached to be part of a local Police forum to improve procedures for those that choose to not report sex crimes.

I don’t feel brave

It fills me with sadness.

I feel  however, it’s the right thing to do.

I Wouldn’t want any of you to have the life I’ve had to date

For anyone currently struggling without support or somebody to turn to

Here are some contact numbers :

SARCs – Sexual Assault Referral Centres – The Survivors Trust  – 0808 801 0818

Find Rape and sexual assault referral centres services – NHS

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 8 March 2019