SwirlingFire: Ignite

Ignite

Emotional abusers within the BDSM community are moving amongst us.

They’re well known yet continue to “operate” shielded by sycophants.  Often known as an “enabler”

DM conversations have repeated the same names.  Over and over again.  Some of my online experiences (I’ll take 50%) have been through misunderstandings.

Mine and theirs.

I don’t give offence, it’s taken.

If I’ve not specifically used an @ then usually I’m tweeting through sheer frustration or prelude to a journal purge (to be sanitised for the blog).  Often, as I was recently told, I have a dark and twisted humour.

I see things very differently to the masses.

My reactions are sometimes a surprise to me too.

I certainly hope I haven’t used rape to display attention seeking/and or shitty behaviour to then “hide” behind it.  That would be a sorry state to land in.  I know I have bouts (to me) of unexpected rage/anger.  I could easily set fire to someone with just a look.  It’s not their fault.  Even if originating from something said.

I must learn to recognise that it’s not what is said.  It’s how I process it.  I’ve subtweeted at times.  We’re all guilty on some level.  Heart banging a subtweet because you don’t have the guts to speak to someone is the lowest form of twitter-etiquette.  Mostly mine are openly poking fun not spiteful, the person knows it’s for them and throws back as good as they get in good humour.  Rarely is it misinterpreted.  I don’t follow those with whom I have no common ground or, in cases where communication or daily giggles abruptly halted from them, I’ll slip away.

I don’t need to beg for your attention.

I’ve seen it announced in various ways that if you want to remain someones Twitter buddy then prove oneself or risk a soft block from them in their loudly tweeted cull announcement

It’s meant to be a fun social place.  If it becomes a place of anxiety and stepping on eggshells again, I can’t function.  Who wants to be surrounded by eye rolling and sighs ?  At times, bullying in the work place has been far superior to the kindergarten sniping I’ve experienced from the ‘perfect’ strangers  of Twitter. At least there one knows whom is for/ against.

I think, as I’m accustomed being treated a certain way by some, it has made me cautious. It’s only a matter of time before this person turns on me too.  I’m almost convinced there are several that take great pleasure enjoying my suffering at times.  Whether self inflicted or not.  These are the biggest cowards.

For me, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy that I’m learning to break.

I’ll unfollow those that chose to not communicate.  At that stage the subtweeting and spin begins.  I’d already been rejected by them.  It’s mystifying to me.  Be really real, not fake with me.

Just because some of us toss around  a few memes / fancy literary quotes about being a kind good understanding person doesn’t actually mean that we are.  What’s on the timelines are not real life indications of how dastardly & spiteful we can become when feeling threatened.  We like to show how wonderful we are, how supportive and understanding of a myriad of social situations and scenarios, for example our LGBTQ-Rainbow (I sincerely apologise –  I can’t remember the new all inclusive alphabet mnemonic) and mental health, disability/ disfigurement.  I do want to thank those that were kind and patient pre Brexit vote to explain everything to me, did not patronise me and also suggested links for further education.  The power of social media for good, working well in this instance.

New thought processes are tricky to manoeuvre around when tried and tested survival skills have served incredibly well for at least a decade.  I feel I’ve a made a few small steps towards self improvement.  The irony is that I will only be able to measure that when an obstacle is thrown into my path.

I’ve noticed that since I’ve started writing to purge, the reactions from Twitter followers fall into four camps:

1. The trusted few that regularly communicate through good and bad times and I do as much as I can/given permission to support in return when they share;

2. The timeline only people.

Regular acknowledgment and kindly inquiry.  Care, both friendly and respectful from both parties.  A friendly giffage thread or most welcome giggles for mutual teasing without agenda.  The bulk of social media interaction.  Fun, fleetingly infuriating, educational and transient without needing too much mental input.

 Happy healthy exchange. What’s not to like?

3. Those that used to engage regularly but now I’m blogging rarely or don’t interact at all with me.

No response to tweets I send & not a tweet initiated from them so basically zero interaction back.

It’s okay, it’s the Twitter way.

All contact then fizzles away.

I’m not sure if I’ve teased and crossed a line but if I’m not told, I can’t apologise, learn from it and be mindful not to repeat and move forward.  Yet, when I unfollow, I get mocked harassed and subtweeted.  I can’t win here.

4. The Gaslighters that hide themselves as all inclusive / educators / equal opportunities & banging on about respect for women (there are a few with integrity. Not those).  They are random with timeline content & slips, if you scroll their tweets – they turn your boundaries against you then turn on you.  They will level varying degrees of abuse, under the guise of “friend”, they’re known for it, you wont be allowed to respond or get truth from them.  These types enjoy An argument or abusing others as a form of evening entertainment

An amusing recent anecdote:

“Hey Swirly, I’m not going to be able to do that today.  I’m going to be busy all afternoon. I’ll be around tonight”

Me – that’s perfectly fine.  I appreciate you’re very busy today.  No deadline.  Whenever is convenient.

“Swirly, funny that telling you I’ll be ignoring you for a few hours is totally acceptable to you”  😂😂

Me – yeah. I’m weird.

I guess what I’m trying to say is we all have different styles to communicate.  Learning which ones for different groups is quite difficult for me.  I’ve not made a conscious decision to be deliberately angry/mean towards someone.  It’s been explained as “frustration at not being heard seen or understood”.  I’ve never deliberately intended to wound with words.

I’m quite capable of taking my concerns to DM to ask or indeed answer specific questions.  Then we learn who we really are.  Under cover from the chattering classes and the “cliquiest of cliques” … We can’t show our true thoughts feelings and observations on the timelines for fear of being bullied or shunned and removed from the pack.  I won’t quote the messages I’ve received regarding this type of action.  It’s double figures.  Being supported against bullying in private is kind of missing the point here.  It’s very much appreciated but it’s allowed it to continue.  The worst kept secrets.

Unfortunately several choose to ignore a ‘one to one’ conversation for clarity and subtweet.

It’s easier to blame me than be accountable for ones attitude ?

Come on, you’ve all either witnessed it (and not done anything); thought it, done it.

I’m the perfect scapegoat with a track record.  Right?  You’ve rolled your eyes and blamed me for a multitude of faux pas and embellished with your own spin to your mates how awful I am.

Blame the “batshit Crazy girl”

The definition of Subtweeting :

The last bastion of grown ups/adults incapable of calm intelligent discourse with novice /abused /marginalised/minorities/sub women/others ad infinitum of those that aren’t like you?

SwirlingFire: Clique Bait

All hail ” the twue way & their disciples”

Its impossible to express a point of if view when two way exchange is withheld / blocked.

Too big and self important for the likes of some waste of space like me ?

Too arrogant to slide down off the self constructed pedestal and stand proud amongst peers ?

No matter how many times they’ve trash talked in DM.  Silent bystanders that can speak for those that are too scared – choosing to stay silent and stay in with the clique pack.

Its frustrating yet can be amusing on other levels.

I’ll block someone to protect them FROM me.  Unrelated triggers from seeing certain info still catches me unawares.  I’ll unfollow those that choose to not communicate.  At that stage the subtweeting and spin begins.  I’d already been rejected by them.  It’s mystifying to me.  Be really real.  Not fake with me

That # mute function catches probably 90% of info I choose to not see.

I’m still trying all different ways until I find something that doesn’t feel like walking on eggshells with the majority of you.

The minority, without whom I probably wouldn’t still be around, understand my speech patterns / syntax and weird dark humour.  They give as good as they get.  It works.

I’m still making mistakes.  I’m a mere female carbon based life-form.  I wont compete for attention in places I sense hostility (latent jealousy in real life) or a weird vibe.  Which apparently, I’m told, is my intuition returning.

At times I feel a hypocrite as I’ve chosen to be virtually anonymous.  I love the name “Swirly” (thank you Eye) and my grocery escapades to feed #Mothership on a tight income  #FairyFoodHauls (thank you curly mermaid) without support /wish-lists / selling my knickers / asking for gift card donations etc

I wish I could let my defences down to earn fast easy money in exchange for visual pleasure.  Is that taking control back or merely a sideways shunt ?  I wish I were more like some of the fabulous strong tiger mummies on my timeline.  I’m in awe of their ability to plough through and make life happen.  It’s an admirable quality.  Strong people that can trade those ways.  I’m too aware of that information being revealed to real life scenarios and slipping into my work life.

In conclusion.  I’m still trying really hard.  Not to fit in with unpleasant popular kids, just to simply have a day without negative attention.

I dedicate this post to those that have bullied / blocked & continue to subtweet those trying to learn and be better people.

I dedicate this blog to those that see it and continue to support it with “bystander” mentality;

I dedicate this accurate account of an abused novice submissive specifically to those that know about men and women like this yet enable them to continue because you’re scared to be cut from the clique pack.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, January 2019

Written for the #sb4mh meme and #mentalhealthawarenessmonth.  Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.