I’m Not A Slave – I was Bamboozled
There are parts of my mind I can never reopen.
Parts of my mind that need to stay locked.
The parts that opened, I now realise, were burgeoning with subliminal messages and possibly drowning in confusion of discovering I liked the kink he showed me (without consent) and unwittingly towards fulfilling his “Slave” yearnings. I didn’t have a clue about his tendencies and kink preferences. We never talked about what mentor trainer and lover would involve. I queried it several times and was made to feel a fool. I Didn’t understand the correct path 5 years ago. I’m still not sure I do today. I’m a submissive woman, that became clear. A “submissive in training” to a man that systematically dismantled me to mould to his specific sadistic pleasures yet, zero intentions of nurturing, respecting and caring for and about me and bereft of all systems and dynamics to rebuild me. Drop kicked into the abyss and left there, alone to unravel.
I know for a fact mindWizard instinctively saw me as a soft target and his bloodlust, sniffed me out and hunted me down like prey. As a strong confident professional woman, told I should experience being spanked, at least once. That was my genuine recollection of the only time I consented to his whim and fancy.
Make no mistake, I was methodically taken apart without any intention to build me back up again. The ‘man’ is a real life sadist. The dom persona gives him the cachet and ability to be trusted. It simply gave carte blanche to demonstrate his real life cruelty on women with people pleasing tendencies.
Let me assure you, there is no woman that is totally immune to his charm. Whether as a platonic/non sexual friend or colleague. A skilled Sadist. Ruthless, calculated with a well tried and perfected technique.
By him switching fully on, those aspects of the submissive part of my mind, brain, being – my psyche – I’ve learnt are both scary / exhilarating.
I was in the wrong hands and careering without brakes into meltdown.
It would only now feel a true power exchange with a good man – yet how can I possibly take such a huge risk again ? Knowing how dangerous it can become in the wrong choice ?
The judgemental contingency of people (Male and female subs, bottoms, kittens, baby girls, BDSM tops, swingers, casual observers etc etc.,) that have made uninformed comments about or to me don’t have a clue how “safe” their lives are in their comfortable bubbles. (thanks sub tweeters and cowards, you actively helped me fight back and learn to survive)
Knowing how many “firsts” were taken by stealth is deeply saddening to me.
Taken full advantage of, at a time that I’ve come to learn was perhaps manipulated “SubFrenzy”, certainly not respectful “mentoring and training”.
A time that should have been treasured and respected.
Not a time for full submission taken and rewarded with physical, mental and verbal abuse and assault.
I was no stranger to physical assault. I knew how to ride those storms to make it to the other side. Relatively unscathed to the naked eye.
The coupling of me presenting to him, as a socially “professional (yet people pleasing doormat)” and the realisation of “submissive training”, without understanding, I was being coerced into non consensual d/s, is equally if not, more damaging than anything else I lived through.
I was thinking the other day – I’ve only “dated/had relationships” with “date/ Rapists”. This was another of those violent men in a charming guise.
It’s extremely distressing
I was conditioned to accept, exclusively, it was always my fault
Too alluring etc etc
Being told I’m a “natural submissive” from several unconnected sources is a jolt back into reality as my head was already in a structured noose.
Will I ever challenge mindWizard ?
Will I ever have answers or “closure” as our “Pals across the Pond” would say?
I feel that time may be approaching yet, to say my truth – That would mean breaking 18 – months “No Contact”
I’m not okay with that.
I will never hear truthful answers from one that lies so easily and, vehemently believes every word that falls off his silver forked tongue.
It’s an opportunity that will be fatal for me.
A handsome rapist and rabid wolf in expensive suits with an attractive, affluent lifestyle.
Image is everything.
As for his final message all those months ago, assuring me he had my mental health concerns at heart due to my Rape memories returning (yes, he knew everything, how else do you think he could charm and coerce so well ? Duh ! That was how he had so much leverage to gaslight) wanting to maintain our friendship ? BS.
I dropped immediately off his radar.
Several “collarings” swiftly followed (one of these victims was wearing my “play collar”, the image burned into my mind still nauseates), they never last, start & stop.
The same cycle, forever in the steel constraints from whence formed, will not change.
his patterns have not changed, in spite of him thinking he has.
The irony is that the moments I’m now proud of, the self esteem I’ve managed to claw back, my personal self confidence (as opposed to professional), my industry awards, my studies and University pass, two separate therapy based courses and a new block of counselling, writing classes, #365Words that focussed my thoughts to culminate in my first time listing within “Kinkly Top 100 blogs”, all whilst managing my own physical (in addition to #MH) health and caring for #Mothership.
I’ve had nobody in my physical daily life to share any of the above successes. I’m very grateful to a handful of online friends. It’s still empty and lonely moments.
Bittersweet moments that are all tainted.
My first instinct is to share with mW.
It troubles me.
The mental bondage is still strong.
I want to scream :
“Look, look at me, look at how far I’ve travelled.
Despite you instigating my downwards spiral with your mindgames.
Look at everything I’ve accomplished!
I’ve clawed my way back, I’m alive and surprisingly, still breathing.
All this was in spite of you, not because of you.
you wanted a Slave,
you did not want me be my best self for me
only for how badly you could treat me
and repeatedly drag me back under your spell
you don’t miss me
you don’t want me
you don’t care or respect me
you’re a sad deluded man that’s told so many lies, for
so many years you’re convinced it’s true
you will continue to look for fresh fuckmeat to destroy –
no one is good enough.
They never will be — Another Crazy Ex”
@SwirlingFire 13 November 2019