Laughter, Tears, Twisted Thoughts and Fears
Current status: sat in coffee shop reviewing Wicked Wednesday entries for prompt 365 -Laughter
Laughing and giggling with an almost four year old and his little brother Charlie. The innocence of childhood in an apparent happy family unit. Both little boys were animated in their conversation with me, from the next table in the coffee shop.
Genuine smiles and laughter as we chatted (with parental consent). A beautifully engaging exchange. I understood every word the boys said during their serious information exchange about their lunch, alphabet letters and how they love cookies as a special treat. A lovely family.
I will never have what they have now.
I don’t ever recall my toddler years or pre-adolescent years to be as happy and loving.
I know both my parents loved me and demonstrated that to me in various specific ways. They never told me.
The twisted and dysfunctional background both parents were raised within, were fraught with heartache, horror and Death.
The moment that Family left the coffee shop a huge tidal wave of loneliness, sadness and rolling burning tears hit me as though I’d been punched in the guts.
Nobody has ever said those ‘3 little words’ to me. Now I’m of an age to know I will never hear them.
The men of my past that were fatally flawed and despicable humans are the flotsam and jetsam that damaged my keel and sent me adrift into a violent sea of sexual assault and rape. Leading me to believe these incidents were down to MY poor judgement of men. Locking the memories away. Never telling a soul**
I would never be good enough for a long term relationship or lovable to anybody. They all chipped away at the big heart I tried to hide away from sight and, in their wake, stole the anchor that creates, harnesses and develops mutually respected and romantic relationships.
Now I know I’m never destined to hear those words or have that family unit.
I’ll never know the moment where my path twisted off the correct path and sent me into the arms of people that only used me for a multitude of selfish reasons.
Always for their own benefit. Not mine.
People pleasing mode is the route to self sacrifice and destruction. If you have the slightest doubts that you do this, I urge you to seek support or resources to stop as soon as you can. Review your behaviours and outcomes. Consider new fresh healthy ways to boost your self esteem, value and self worth. No matter how difficult it may seem, sever ties with toxic people.
I’ll never know the reason, even until quite recently, why I thought it was acceptable to be the last choice for people’s crumbs of attention.
From recognising all the signs within myself, I understand I’m clinging to a wreckage of what should have been a great life.
The tides are slowly turning. I’m learning to set clear boundaries. It’s already ruffled feathers. Its caused people to be unpleasant towards me. Once again, I’m being disrespected for not allowing certain behaviours to continue. Once again, I’m being branded the ‘bad guy’. This time, I’m glad. If I can’t be respected in the same ways others expect for themselves then all I can do is say
“Thank You. Thank you for handing me the scissors to cut you free”
** After triggering me into a brand new non consensual d/s downward spiral of abuse the day of his date rape assault – mindWizard led me to believe his role of Mentor and Trainer of submissive women and my lover was a safe place to tell all.
@SwirlingFire. 30 May 2019
Written for #WickedWednesday 366 prompt of “Twisted”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.