SwirlingFire: Survive: Parts 1 & 2

By | June 24, 2019

SwirlingFire

Survive

How to survive:-

  1. Wake up every morning but you wish you hadn’t
  2. Make a morning coffee and sit quietly contemplating what horrors will be reactivated inside ones mind
  3. Start the process of slipping back into auto pilot to care for #Mothership
  4. Navigate around the home without falling apart into a tearful sobbing mess so Mum wont hear or see
  5. Take care of household tasks whilst being angry at the world
  6. Disappear into the quiet solitude of bedroom with a cuppa and cuddle Teddy
  7. Write too many blogs that each read through for edits trawls up new horrors you wished had been buried forever.
  8. Wash dress and apply makeup to pretend to be human
  9. Put one foot in front of the other and get through the day without intrusive memories and reminders
  10. Bedtime routine. Hope for sleep and you’re dead before the alarm rings once again to repeat steps 1 to 9

This is what it’s like to try to survive each day Swirlingfire


Survive: Part 2

I find myself still self censoring in the written forms.  There are several reasons for this.  Firstly, because there are massive chunks of information I haven’t ruminated / over analysed by myself yet.  I’m not strong enough to work through more memory stew before feeling at peace with my past and so far, currently remembered facts.  Secondly, I’m not sure any of the darker stuff really should be part of my blogging.

I’m not a liar.

My memory is nowhere near as good as many other people I’ve become engaged in conversations with and I suppose I re-read my blogs not even recognising myself as the pathetic wretch I seem to be or trading myself as.  If I were writing a book/screenplay could the lead female really be this blighted by life ?  Is it believable ?  Even I struggle to come to terms with everything laid out in writing.  I’m kindly hosted by melodyinsights.com and at times I wonder in her role as “MyEditor” whether my words are considered on a scale from one to ten, perhaps a heavy nine on fabricated embellishments scale ?

[Editor’s note:  This is a valid question.  If I’d come across SwirlingFire’s words and story without prior experience of people close to me dealing with very similar issues and symptoms, I would have been sceptical.  The reality of what she describes is similar enough to what I’ve listened to over the years from sufferers very close to me.  What’s published is in many ways a sanitised microcosm of the full story.  Our private discussions reveal far more and there’s a lot more that’s private to SwirlingFire.  Far from being embellished I’m very aware that she chooses to shield our sensibilities from looking in to the abyss.]

There have been several times where I could insert screen shots of SMS threads from #mindWizard to prove as much to myself as others that these incidents really did take place and, I allowed it to continue for far too long after a particular incident that proved that not only did he not care – he didn’t have respect for me.  Maybe he never did.  That hurt more than his usual routine.  Not only, even as a casual bed warmer, did he not care.  I don’t think he ever really liked me as a person/”friend”.

The way I’m learning to survive is possibly the weirdest and a contradictory way to everyone else.  Instead of applying a lightweight metallic flexible armour to head back into battle.  Now I find myself retreating whilst all the layers are peeled away to see if there is actually anything inside worth saving.

To the outside world, so I’m told by people I currently meet, I’m a happy vibrant young woman.

I guess Drama School is finally coming into its own ?  A full time default with real characters and real life.

I’m not living life.

I’m learning a new way to survive

@SwirlingFire 28 March 2019.

**at time of writing, I have found a new community funded centre for Counselling services and Complementary Therapies as part of a new initiative.  Currently waiting for pre assessment.

@SwirlingFire 28 March 2019.


Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Survive”.  Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.

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15 thoughts on “SwirlingFire: Survive: Parts 1 & 2

  1. SwirlingFireBird

    I’ve described it as “numb” for decades. Except I hadn’t understood I’d totally “shut down” to everyone/thing except a “reverse coma” – All looking fabulous on the outside, high functioning yet dead inside.

    Hope your days improve soon
    Swirly 🌻

    Reply
  2. SassyCat

    Hope things are better or are getting better for you now with the new counseling services. When I read part 1 all I could think of was…sometimes all we can do is to survive. Its kind of like being in a coma which allows the body to heal on its own, in its own time. I think of surviving like that, a way for us to get to that point when the pain isn’t so intense. Does that make sense?
    Keep on surviving. 🙂

    Reply
  3. DeviantSuccubus

    “I’m not living life.

    I’m learning a new way to survive”- I can relate to this so much! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFireBird

      Thankyou for your kind words.
      I wrote this several months ago. I’m better than I was but still a huge mountain to climb

      Swirly 🌻💗

      Reply
  4. Ina Morata

    This is such an honest, heartbreaking post. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I really empathise. I wish you all the luck in the world with your assessment.

    Reply
  5. jupitergrant

    This is so heartbreakingly real and honest. I’m so sorry that you are struggling, and I wish you all the luck in the world with your pre-assessment. 💖

    Reply
  6. May

    Wow that was a read. And I won’t lie some times I don’t know what to say when I read your posts. I wish things were better , I hope they get better.
    Regards part one. I found your steps to survive very believable. When I was 17 I was bullied very badly by a boy I,d known for all my life. I got thru that time using some of the those steps. I remember cuddling my teddy bear crying and chanting that I was a good person and it woukd all be fine. I thought if I said it enough it woukd come true.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFireBird

      Thankyou for taking time out to comment.
      I appreciate a ” ☆ ”
      Most of all, thankyou for finding my words relatable.

      Ps I wish I times i hadnt shared so much so I’m not surprised you dont have words to respond

      Thankyou May

      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  7. Pingback: Revisiting Reality

  8. E.L. Byrne

    I honor your bravery and how much you DO put out there. Good luck with the new counseling services and pre-assessment.

    Reply
    1. Swirly

      Thankyou so much for your kind words and support.
      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  9. Marie Rebelle

    Sometimes real life is a lot weirder than what we can read in stories. I have said it before, and I will keep on saying it: I am sorry for what you have been through.
    Have you heard more about the pre-assessment yet?

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. Swirly

      Thankyou for your kind words of support and taking time to read my words
      Swirly 🌻

      Reply

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