SwirlingFire: The Assessment

By | September 9, 2019
Reading Time: 4 minutes

SwirlingFire

The Assessment & Swirling Twirls

I need more therapy.

There. I said it.

Cue eye rolling and yawns for those that think I should’ve been locked up in a facility with my mouth taped shut a long time ago.  It’s easier to know one needs counselling than to actively search for someone qualified without agenda to talk to about life struggles.

I’ve known for a long time I needed to seek out more counselling, however, the last allocation of appointments trawled up far more than I was anticipating.  So deep that it took me back to toddler age when I only went to talk about Sexual assaults and unrealised Rapes.

I wasn’t consciously aware that pre-teen was not like everyone else and all of it had been locked away for good.

I never told a living soul about sexual assault until I met (physically touching distance) and communicated with mindWizard.  It wasn’t until our second “date” that the Pandoras Box of Horrors were unleashed.  Ironically because he thrust his fingers inside my vagina without asking/indicating what he wanted from me.

We agreed we would talk about what he was expecting from a date.  Note – what ‘he’ wanted.  It was never what was healthy for me.  I hadn’t noticed the little nuances. he had already fiddled about inside my thoughts and how I processed what i was doing FOR HIM never for me.  It took far too long for me to come to my senses.

All my gut feelings and all the Red Flags of danger before me – he explained them all away as nervous excitement, of “… that’s how it’s (BDSM) done …”

That’s basically where I am today.

How does a relatively intelligent woman that’s streetwise of men get caught and manipulated by an apparently loving caring respectful man that banged on and on about consent ?  Unless it was a conversation about my consent.  My consent didn’t count ?  His boundaries in the way he was my mentor and protector …. (provided all the others didn’t know) he told me he was poly.  he was actually a walking talking unethical non-mon player with a temper and mouth that could destroy in a few typed words via SMS … I wasn’t worth that conversation.

I’m  not entirely sure if he took Tumblr style pic exchange as consent.  Blanket consent.  It’s still a very hazy topic as I’m almost certain we never had a fully dressed talk as equals to say what was in play and what was an absolute NEVER.  Hmmmmm my People Pleaser self talk crept in there.  Did you notice ?  Placing a softer edge to my phrasing and doubting myself.  It’s THAT subtle.  I’ve  noticed several times and MyEditor has flagged it several times lately.  I’m not aware when I do that.  I’m leaking my submissive yearnings all over the place.  It’s something I must broach in counselling.

Has my latent submissive nature been a glaringly loud tannoy signal to abusive men to become a sweet easy target and Rape worthy ?

SwirlingFire: It’s Definitely YOUR Fault

It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen the mindwizard and his smile and soul searching mischievous steely grey eyes.  I remember the first time we met as though it were yesterday.  Walking to the train station exit from the platform.  Seeing him at the ticket barrier.  I stopped for what seemed like a minute but was only fraction of a second.  I distinctly recall thinking “it’s not too late Girl. You can stop this now. Before it starts”.  In that millisecond he’d already seen me as the crowds parted.  I saw him.  A full face beaming smile.  Too late.  All I thought was “Oh Phuque. I’m going to Hell

Back to today

I had a pre-counselling assessment.

This time was so very different than my first time around.

Back then I was confused, scared, ashamed, guilty, angry, sad,but mainly emotionally numb. Falling out of control and realising I’d be badly used and abused in starting to realise that I’d been toyed with in a non consensual d/s “relationship/dynamic”.

“Why are you here and what are you hoping to achieve through counselling?”

Today, holding back the “Hoover dam” full of tears, I was able to speak.  I told her about the memories unlocking and this time around, all about mindWizard and the last few years.  The counsellor’s face changed from open smiling and compassionate warmth to one of blank unemotional nodding whilst shifting in their armchair.  I started to lose My voice.  Quite common for me when I’m the centre of another’s interest/focus.  I’ve self silenced for so many years that although my voice quivered, this time I could breathe through it.

Except this time was very different

I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed

I wasn’t wasn’t feeling guilty betraying info about other people

I didn’t  make excuses for others

I said it:

I’ve been sexually assaulted

I’ve been Raped xxx times

I was placed in non consensual mental bondage by a man I thought cared and respected me.

I’m here because I need to learn how to set my own boundaries.

“I think we can refer you to our anger management sessions too.  You have so much more to unpack”

Today

I feel a tiny bit better about myself.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@SwirlingFire 8 April 2019


Sex Bloggers for Mental Health

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19 thoughts on “SwirlingFire: The Assessment

  1. May

    Oh that moment when you could see him but he had not yet seen you – a junction-moment. This way or that way. I have had a few of them and looking back they stand out clearly but at the time they just seemed like the next thing. I wonder did you recognise that moment as a fork in your life or the inevitable path that lay ahead?

    Reply
    1. swirling🔥fire

      Firstly May, apologies for very late reply, as it’s not my site I don’t receive email notifications. No other reason.

      Secondly, I thought about the points you raised. It distressed me to the core. I can no longer think it terms of “what if/if only”, it won’t serves as a positive step to mindwizard abuse recovery.
      However, one of my earliest blogs does detail, as you correctly interpreted, he was my “fork in the road”. I could answer in more detail, I won’t in a public format. I may contact you at a later date to discuss.
      Thankyou so very much
      Swirly 🌻🧚‍♀️😘

      Reply
  2. jupitergrant

    This is such a big and brave step towards the future. It’s great that you were able to say without apology or excusing those who hurt you, “these things happened to me.” The people pleasing voices always want to take the blame on themselves, it’s true. But those that hurt you,- all of them not just mindWizard- don’t deserve that protection, because they chose to deny protection to you.
    I wish you so many good wishes for your therapy. 🌹

    Reply
  3. Asrai Devin

    It’s so much easier to say you need help then to look for it and even then you have to find someone who can help.

    You are so brave for speaking what has happened to you.

    Reply
  4. victoriablisseuk

    I’m glad you feel a tiny bit better. I hope you continue to add tiny bit betters together on your journey. Your voice has a right to be heard. I’m glad you used it.

    Reply
    1. swirling🔥fire

      Thankyou for taking time to read my words and comment.
      It’s not easy to acknowledge everything I thought was regular in a “relationship” couldn’t have been more wrong

      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  5. francescademont

    You’re brave. Probably much more so than you think. It takes so much courage to talk about abuse and rape, even in a protected setting. I hope you give others a voice as well.

    Reply
    1. swirling🔥fire

      I don’t feel brave. I blocked it all out for so long. That’s how I thought it was to date men. I took myself out of the dating game until mindwizard persuaded me to take a giant leap of faith and trust him.
      It was an “out of body moment” as I was made conscious of the pattern repeating itself, once again.
      Thank you for your support and kind words

      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  6. Marie Rebelle

    Even if this happened more than a year ago (if I am correct by looking at the date at the bottom of your post – please correct me if needed), I am glad you are sharing it. Not only for yourself, but also for others who might doubt whether they should seek help or not. Thank you for putting this out here.

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. swirling🔥fire

      Dear Rebel

      I had a massive “drop” after finally setting this post free.

      I’ve self silenced and protected too many people for far too long.

      I finished this round of therapy two months ago.

      It’s still very difficult to talk about. The realisation of acts of violence that are not regular part and parcel of dating has been the most painful processing of my life.

      I hope it encourages other survivors to reach out and know they are not alone

      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  7. Kurvy

    I love that you have shared this! There are so many that need to see this and know they are not alone in what they are or have gone through.
    Thank you! xx

    Reply
    1. swirling🔥fire

      I hope it encourages others and destigmatises the after effects of Rape. Especially the women that say we were “asking for it”

      Thankyou 🌻

      Reply
  8. silverdomuk

    I really hope this doesn’t come across as inappropriate, but… fucking yay!

    You said THE THINGS without shame, guilt etc.

    You should, IMNVHO, feel more than a tiny bit better about yourself.

    Reply

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