SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear

By | November 4, 2018

 Editor’s Note:  I’ve been hosting posts from SwirlingFire for about 6 weeks now and not since that first introduction have I added words around what she’s written.  When I saw the draft of this post I knew I would have to add something.

Reading it brought out all sorts of emotions in me that I rather assumed I was inured to in the written word.  That told me that this post requires a major WARNING

It is one of the bravest pieces of writing I have ever come across.  More forceful because it’s not a blow by blow account.  I encourage people to read this, especially males who resort to “Not All Men” to absolve themselves and ignore the uncomfortable truths.

CONTENT WARNING

TRIGGER WARNING

  • Non-consensual
  • Sexual Assault
  • Physical Assault
  • Verbal Assault
  • Gaslighting
  • Manipulation
  • Coercion
  • Red Mist

 


 

SwirlingFire

Scent of Fear

“Was there ever a time you were scared of me ?” he asked

“no Daddy.”  Was my reply.  It was true.  It wasn’t one time.  There were three very distinct occasions.  Twice the first time he took me to his home.

The first time:

I was in a rural area.  No network signal.  No Wi-Fi.  No way of phoning a taxi for the train station to get me as far away from him as possible.  I was trapped.  He had already encouraged me to make my “safe Phone calls / contacts”.  I emailed a friend with his specific identity, where he lived etc from the ladies toilet in the pub with their strong WiFi signal.  This is when I made my safe voice calls and texts

It was after the safe calls when everything changed. I was frozen to the spot.

I couldn’t run away.

Captive.

So I had to make the decision.

How can I best get through the time with him with the least amount of physical injury ?

He’d already screamed and shouted at me when I was startled at his hand being shoved up my skirt and plunging his rough fingers deeply inside me.

I didn’t object to the act itself – just the timing that caught me off guard.  I was told he would clearly outline how the time together would be.  Certainly not a minute by minute agenda.  Simply a range of what I was likely to experience.  It wouldn’t matter if the acts didn’t occur in a certain or particular order,  if at all,  just some form of expectations.

I’d been devoid of consensual  male touch for many years.

Startled, I lightly touched his hand and caressed his arm, asking him to slow down.  He took it as blanket refusal and rejection.  It was neither of my intentions.  It was a mis-communication not a flat NO.  My first time in intimate company with a man .. he even knew why I’d been single for some time.  He’d even asked earlier if my last contact with a man had been an assault.  He appeared to care.  Up to and including everything to the moment I was about to enter.  All methods of communication had been kind, funny, flirty, deep and meaningful life experiences.  My daft humour defences, my total naivete of anything kink related.  We really had covered highs and lows of life and lovers.

The touch on his hand, the scent of my fear in his nostrils.  His angry arousal to my reaction appeared to be the catalyst that unleashed his red wild eyes, flushed face and throbbing neck veins setting his temper free – especially for me.  He screamed at me “if you’re going to cry rape then there’s no point in any of this! I’ll turn round and take you back to the train station and leave you there!”

I was rigid with fear.

Marilyn-01

I didn’t cry.  I was shocked.

After years of abstinence from dating – here I was – back into the fiery pit of Hell.

I’d found yet another abusive man !  I’d confided my concerns of a casual encounter and was assured CONSENT AND RESPECT are so very important to him.  He is quite militant on social media regarding boundaries.  Consent.  Respect.  Two way communication.

He tricked me.  It only applied to other women.  He showed that he didn’t care.

He just proved he did not have any respect for me.

I felt as though, yet again, I was a stupid fool.  My arrangement with him was fatally flawed.  I had no backup plan to escape.

I was his prey.

He toyed with my beliefs and boundaries.

He didn’t care.

He never would.

 

Swirlingfire: A history

@Swirlingfire, 3 November 2018

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

10 thoughts on “SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear

  1. Floss

    I am always stuck for words when I read posts such as this, so I will just say that I am sending you warm wishes and kind thoughts and that I think the sharing of writings like this, by yourself and by others is incredibly brave x

    Reply
  2. Miss Scarlet

    I had to read this twice to take it all in. You are incredibly brave and strong to share your experience, and I hope that this vile man gets his comeuppance one day. Sending much love to you.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Thank 5 so much for reading and responding.
      I’m still learning to accept what happy was not my fault. I chalked it up to experience. Yet again.

      Love
      Swirly 💞

      Reply
  3. Marie Rebelle

    I shivered when I read this and am so sorry you had to go through this horrible experience! What a terrifying and disgusting man, all about respect and consent to the outside world, but nothing of that true when it needs to be. So strong of you to share your story here. Thank you for sharing.

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Hello Rebel

      Thankyou for allowing my post into your #WickedWednesday platform.

      I’ve always been hesitant to reveal too much. For various reasons. Firstly the bare account and secondly because of who he wanted me to believe in and trust. Literally with my life in his grip.

      As my experiences unfold….? This was a minor incident in comparison to others.

      I was able to maneover my way to safety and soothe the savage beast that had climbed inside my mind.

      Next time I hope my inclusion into #WW will be a much happier one.

      Thankyou
      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  4. books1799

    What truly horrible experiences Swirly. How could a man behave like this to you in this in this cruel and sickening fashion. I just hope one day you find happiness.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Thankyou for your response.

      I had not dated in some time due to my experiences. At the time of this date I had suppressed most of them. This incident recovered a few more.

      This date – I had pinned my last hopes on for a chance of future short term happiness.

      It proved to be the start of dismantling my character and personality into a person I no longer recognised.

      I will never trust again.

      I am humbled by your acknowledgemental.

      Thankyou
      Love
      Swirly 🌻

      Reply
  5. Posy Churchgate

    This account made a little bit of me curl up inside and cry – for the person you already were: traumatised and sensitive from previous events, and for the person you have become since: having all your vulnerable buttons pressed, your triggers ignored, your trust abused and your fear capitalised on.

    I cant tell whether it was all part of his powerplay game or whether he was a crass, bullying, insensitive type who had no clue or complete indifference for how many boundaries he was trampling over. I feel angry there are still guys like him around and it’s terrifying that he (and others it seems) use being a Dom as their camouflage – they really give BDSM a bad name.

    I’m impressed, my lovely, that you have managed to move on from this. I know the break-away is not a done-deal, but you are working on it and every day is a victory. What a strong backbone you have – you have my admiration.

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Thankyou so much for reading and responding.
      It’s taken me a very long time to process whether or not to self blame.
      The two important points to remember at this point in time
      1. This was “just another” In a long history of separate assaults. It’s just what happens to me.

      2 it was nothing to do with bdsm. It was early days of agreeing to meet. This was one of the first few “dates” we’d met. We’d not had a sit down talk to negotiate terms or gain my specific consent. This was another date that turned into the same as many other dates. Its how I thought dates just turn out. For me.

      3. The fact he practices “kinky fuckery” makes it all the more shocking. Gaining trust. Learning my triggers. Using them against me.

      .
      It’s taken several hours to process that this is not healthy. He is not healthy.

      Your words, when I first read them during the early hours, we’re so kind and full of empathy that I was most overwhelmed. It’s taken me until now to respond calmly.

      I appreciate your response and am very moved by your support

      Love
      Swirly 🌻

      Reply

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