My earliest learnt form of “Self Defence” was displayed as “Verbal Attack”
It’s taking time to release old patterns.
Please have patience with me until a new and better service is available & powered by fresh beginnings
This post started as a tweet.
My attention had been drawn to a tweet of mine on a thread that landed amongst locked accounts and could therefore be taken as a subtweet as, in its timing and my awful data signal, it landed directly beneath an unconnected tweet not my linked part one of two tweets. It was nothing of the kind. It was-pointed out that it could, sadly once again, have been misinterpreted.
It started me thinking. Whilst I’m beginning to relearn how to be a decent human being with my actions, my mouth still by-passes my mind before my brain reallocates or sanitises the thoughts.
An ex-manager once told me I would never be called up to serve in the “diplomatic corps” as I was “far too direct” and that my “thoughts and feelings of a situation would never be deemed as bland” (slight paraphrase. A colloquial phrase was used).
Whilst I totally agree with those words I couldn’t help but twirl the thoughts inside my head. The tweet came naturally. It’s not an apology for what may or may not have been perceived as a subtweet. It was, in retrospect, a frustrated push back to those that had been present and since unfollowed and then mocked without foundation. Writing me off as a mad woman. And to be fair, I can’t really blame them. It’s only the last ten months my past traumas have presented themselves and have poked me very sharply to change my ways.
My rebirth as SwirlingFire has allowed me to ‘find my voice’ to a minimal degree – truthfully, I dislike the phrase but it is accurate.
I learnt to self-silence for childhood safety to keep a low profile out of sight from verbally aggressive parents in an unhappy marriage.
If I think back now to those times, it’s possible my Father would today be diagnosed with acute Bipolar disorder. Outwardly a charming handsome articulate and well educated man to those outside the home. It’s just my guess. An “out of hours” team diagnosed him as “bad not mad” …. Thankfully times have progressed for others today.
My limited and intentional rare interactions and/or potential romantic relationships in later years prevented me from being torn apart and almost destroyed. It sounds over dramatic in print. I currently don’t have a better grasp of phrasing to explain it without specific rawness of facts.
My conclusion to all of this ? Whilst I won’t apologise for what I’ve said, I do occasionally apologise for the ‘way I said it’. My phrasing and the ways I express myself are still a massive change inside my head before I allow myself to speak/tweet.
To most it often appears I speak a foreign language. I’ve been teased by others that they “speak Swirly” and they “get me”. I come from a place of kindness but it gets thrown back in my face. Often.
Nowadays I find myself avoiding more and more followers to stop myself responding to something that does not add value or benefit. I’m extremely good at self deprecating comments or humour (at times extremely dark – another childhood learnt coping strategy ?)
I try not to close myself off from people. Again, I can feel that ‘old familiar’ state ready to grab me by the hair and drag me back. The devil on my shoulder gearing up with the negative talk. It’s a lonely place to stand and watch everybody else having a life around you but never including you in their plans anymore.
To a casual observer I “have it all” in actuality – I have very little.
@Swirlingfire, 20 November 2018