Who do the Inner Voices Belong to ?
What about those voices ? Do they like to tell you what to do ? Do you listen ? Can you ignore them ?
Having a mostly solitary childhood I’ve always had those voices in my head. The company of an internal dialogue and debates. A ceaseless internal narrative. I’ve no way of knowing if this is more or less than most people experience. One thing about those dialogues is that there was no specific character associated with them, no alter-ego personality that is often called the imaginary friend – it’s always been me talking to me, like Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones facing each other across the table, only that both are me.
One characteristic of the voice has been a tendency to encourage actions that can lead to a form of self-harm. Things like suggesting that it would be fun to drop the car or house keys down the drain I’m about to walk past. Or one from childhood where I listened to it suggesting I ride my bicycle with my eyes shut and went into the back of a parked car.
I think it was this aspect of the inner voice that brought about fantasies related to BDSM and inescapable, potentially harmful, even deadly, predicaments. The inner voice could make make non-consensual torture fantasies seem really attractive despite telling me that I needed to face and embrace the terror.
Those sort of things are still there, but there are now added dimensions. Part of the whispers have always been about melody. For the longest time they were a periodic combination of a desire to display melody in some manner, mixed with that tiny call to court danger in pushing the limit and risk being exposed. Things such as having given in to the first stage of the whispers and worn skirt and heels, to then feel the voice becoming more insistent that it’s silly to change back to male clothing just to take out the rubbish.
The dialogues of the last few years have been a roller-coaster and have expanded to have different personalities. They are still me talking to me, but more of a round table of different faces – more like the whole of the ‘Not The Nine O’Clock News’ crew instead of just Mell and Griff. The journey through hypnosis has done strange, though I think, good things. One voice that talks in an identifiable way is the me that’s processing suggestions made under hypnosis. I hear words that I know are indicative of my domme rather then me, her manner of speaking rather than mine, though still only in my voice.
A difficult set of voices arose when there was the internal struggle between the old ‘him’ and the new melody. Still both me, yet arguing about priorities and needs as they battled for control of the primary ego.
I very rarely hear ‘him’ any more. The main internal voice is melody, her mannerisms and arguments within the dialogues are quite different to what ‘he’ used to talk and argue about. And what has reasserted itself is that nagging aspect to push the boundary of fear. It’s this that drove me to wear heeled boots as work attire. That decided it was time to flaunt earrings. To subtly enhance the daily feminine image by dying my hair. To risk public disapprobation by increasingly pushing the female style and attributes in public and social settings. The voice nags away and builds up until I inevitably give way. And what’s so different now is that the other part of the voice, the bit that seems to come from my domme, says that there is no terror, when the step is made it’s done with a confidence I could never have previously imagined.
The way that particular voice speaks to me is also what enables me to seek D/s with her and let go of all fear when the rational voice loves to list all the potential dangers and traps. The equivalent of the child closing his eyes and hoping he’s not going to crash into the back of a car.
There is a downside, though. These new aspects to the internal voice give rise to intense questioning that lead to bouts of anxiety and depression that were never there before. They can create a darkness and inner struggle where they suggest there’s a warm comfort to be found in closing my eyes and drifting away, to solve all the strife by embracing the warm darkness and not coming back.
I’m not sure that there’s anything sinister in this. I’ve had a whole new universe open up and I’m exploring strange parts of my inner self that have never spoken up before. Only that sometimes it can become overwhelming and it’s so tempting to retreat in to the false havens the inner voices offer as illusionary comfort.
Describing the inner voices makes me sound crazy. All I can say is that if they weren’t there, then I really would go crazy.
February 16, 2020 @ 5:20 am
“One characteristic of the voice has been a tendency to encourage actions that can lead to a form of self-harm. Things like suggesting that it would be fun to drop the car or house keys down the drain I’m about to walk past. Or one from childhood where I listened to it suggesting I ride my bicycle with my eyes shut and went into the back of a parked car.”
This is just SO real to me. A couple of examples from my childhood: I remember deliberately letting go of a cheap pair of sunglasses so they fell from a bridge into the canal below, never to be retrieved. Another time, while flying a kite in strong wind, again I just let go of the string and let it fly away; and yes, also riding my bike with eyes shut and similarly colliding with the back of a parked car. There’s more but won’t drone on…I think the point is made?
In mature adult life that strange ‘self-harming’ urge is still there although largely I’ve learned to recognise and control it, but it’s still there in modicum and sometimes interferes with my judgment especially when it comes to making important decisions in moments of stress.
I tend to see it as a part of my psyche that (for whatever reason) embraces victimhood; and as much as I repress it in day-to-day life it nonetheless demands a recognition that seems to iterate itself via my ‘jacqui’ alter-ego and her sexual nature, about which I could say more but perhaps for another time?
February 16, 2020 @ 10:21 am
Thank you, jacqui.
One of the rewards of writing is when someone says “I really get that.” I do recognise the adult life version and can mostly control it, then again, sometimes it really screws you over.
Great to have a new commenter. 🌹
February 14, 2020 @ 9:17 pm
Great post. I’m glad I’m not alone. Sometimes my inner voices absolutely scream and tear away at me.
February 14, 2020 @ 9:19 pm
🌹🌹
February 9, 2020 @ 6:37 pm
It is interesting how our inner voices change and evolve. Mine has always been kind of a jerk. Like everyone else though, the inner voice can be a great debate partner.
February 10, 2020 @ 6:06 am
Thank you for reading/commenting. ‘Bit of a jerk’ is a good way to put it. Though mine veers towards gleeful maliciousness when it’s got me on the run. 🌹🌹
February 5, 2020 @ 5:35 pm
You describe how I feel and think. I have a constant inner voice who I debate with. I think it’s quite common actually. Not that my inner voice is really that kind most of the time, so I constantly have to try and shut her up. But she comes in handy when I have to debate something and come to a decision. 😉
February 6, 2020 @ 6:03 am
Thank you. The inner voice not being kind is a good way to put it. Mine has a nasty habit of inciting dangerous actions as a form of self harm. I don’t want to banish it because, as you say, it’s a very handy companion when you need debate. 🌹🌹
February 1, 2020 @ 8:16 pm
The inner voices you describe don’t sound crazy to me at all. You’re writing about all of this very clearly. It’s interesting to read how the voice developed and changed into something more positive, and yet not completely positive, as I guess there’s always a ‘bad’ side to every ‘good’ thing. I hope the anxiety and feeling down will stop at some point, but from reading your blog it seems as if you’re constantly evolving. You’ll definitely get there and I’m so glad you have your Mistress along the way
February 2, 2020 @ 9:40 am
Yes, I’ve done a lot of evolving in recent years, largely due to some incredibly supportive people. Some real life, some on here.
You know the ups and downs as well as anyone. The voices both help and hinder, though it can seem that when in a down patch that they really love piling on the negativity. Your own post to this #sb4mh link had a lot of familiarity in it, so take care of yourself 🌹🌹
February 2, 2020 @ 9:57 am
Yes you’re right. I felt like I could quite very personally relate to your post. Tale care as well!
February 1, 2020 @ 1:47 pm
Oh that voice we hear when we are children. I had no imaginary friend either as much a I tried. It was always just me and myself. Talking to myself probably because there was no one else around. I think I hear my inner voice more as an adult than when I was little. I guess it boils down to listening to what is being said and knowing the consequences.
February 1, 2020 @ 2:28 pm
That’s interesting. I had no one else around, either. I think it’s why now that solitude and things like sensory deprivation in bondage hold no terrors for me.
It’s all very well knowing the consequences – doesn’t always stop me from ignoring that voice and it’s clarion call to danger 😂
January 31, 2020 @ 5:40 pm
You know I think we all have them. My daughter explained hers and they were pushing her in a bad way to do with her ED. – it depends what the voices are saying – that is what matters.
I really should try and find time to write for this, i have a strange auditory talent. Be difficult to put into words thou x
January 31, 2020 @ 5:52 pm
Very much so. I recognise that mine have a tendency to push me into doing something potentially dangerous. It has to be said that melody is more likely to listen to them than ‘he’ did.
I’ll be interested to read about your talent if you get the time 🌹🌹
January 29, 2020 @ 12:08 pm
I frequently have discussions with myself – in my head, but I think we all do. It’s in no way the same as what you have talked about above, as I think some of your inner voices was a survival mechanism, and it takes time to get used to being able to be Melody more and more, and not hearing ‘him’ as much anymore. I think this is a process you have to go through, and I hope the down feelings and anxiety will eventually stop. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us.
Rebel xox
January 29, 2020 @ 4:44 pm
Thanks Marie. Congratulations on the #WickedWednesday 400 !!! 🌹🌹
January 29, 2020 @ 12:16 am
I don’t think it sounds crazy. Talking to yourself – as yourself, or via inner facets of yourself expressing their various sides – is not so unusual. If anything, it shows a well-roundedness, particularly if the voices with opposing viewpoints can understand one another and “discuss” (via inner dialog/monologue) a complicated issue without coming to blows. 🙂
Just an admin note: I’m not sure of you changed your blog layout/theme recently or if it’s something else, but for some reason your site is not mobile responsive at the moment. It was the same with Swirly’s post. Just FYI.
January 29, 2020 @ 7:59 am
Thanks for the FYI. JetPack is retiring their AMP plugin and my theme wasn’t automatically updating. I think pages are being served properly on mobiles now, but I’ll have to look at a new theme. 🌹
January 28, 2020 @ 11:03 pm
Always loved Jimminy Cricket