Kill The Heretic
Sometimes it’s hard to think that you’re doing anything different or what might be regarded as out of the ordinary. Like-minded souls on Twitter and in the blogosphere are not quite an echo chamber, but they do tend to help normalise the idea that kink is ubiquitous.
And perhaps it is. When the tabloids run their salacious hit pieces they leave the impression that kink is defined by dangerous S&M, or that it’s an excuse by an abuser that the victim wanted to be abused. Yet those same tabloids will be hosting adverts for the likes of Ann Summers and their ‘Beginners S&M play kit”.
Kink encompasses everything from the couple who get out the furry handcuffs once a month to the ‘weirdos’ that attend fetish BDSM clubs for public play and extreme pain. Everything in between is somebody’s comfort zone and limit and all are valid expressions of kink.
There’s a stark contrast between public and private morality. The public morality maintains the hypocritical facade that anything other than heterosexual monogamous missionary position sex is a perversion. In private, very few live to that standard. Yet admitting to friends, family or work colleagues that there is a bit of kink in your private life is held up to the public morality test and consequent ridicule.
For most of my life, to be open about such things would have been social and career death. I remember that nearly 30 years ago the trigger to look for another job was being mockingly accused of being gay by a salesman because we were in Athens where I was working 16 hour days and he was on a ‘jolly’, he wanted company to tour the strip clubs – I wanted to go to bed. It was an innuendo that would blight, if not destroy a career. Whilst it’s possible these days to retort that you are gay without consequences, or at least with the law and tribunals in your favour, the public admission of kink in various circles is like that time thirty years past and there’s no specific protection beyond reporting bullying.
My circumstances, outlook and understanding have changed significantly in the last few years and whilst I will not go out of my way to shout from the roof tops, I’m not going to shy away if anyone explicitly asks having found me online.
I know I’m in the minority here. Public morality regarding kink is one of the big drivers behind how FinDom works. Most people are scared of exposure of their proclivities.
I was drawn to the word ‘deviant’. It’s used both scathingly by the tabloids and mockingly self-referential by some in the kink community. Checking Miriam-Webster confirmed some lines of thought.
In some ways definition #4 really nails it. We may laugh at ‘Life of Brian’ with “Kill the heretic”, but that’s where we still are with accepting kink. To the broader world we are heretics threatening social cohesion – “Not one of us” – and when discovered, we must be punished. I won’t go into the irony here.
On a personal level I rather tick a few deviancy boxes. Asexual, transgendered and very definitely a strong ‘S’ when it comes to BDSM. A lot of threatening terms to people in a society that still has rigid definitions and expectations of what it means to be a man and appropriate masculine behaviour.
Kink provides expressive outlets for who I am. It’s now up front and centre as part of my life. The result of conscious decisions at various stages in my life to pursue reality and consign fantasy to the bin.
One of the weirdest things to handle is that I find some other kinksters consider me to be extreme. The first time I heard this was in chastity forums and I’ve heard it since about some of my more recent activities – “Oh, I wish I could be like you. You’re where I want to be, you’re so extreme.”
It’s a disturbing thing to hear and well worth self-reflection. However, the key thing there is that kink is not a competition. Your experiences and limits are precisely that – Yours. Go and explore them, pushing the limits or staying within your comfort zone is your choice and not to be denigrated by anyone else.
Go and enjoy your kink, at your own level. Be safe, both with the activities you engage in and visibility with a still prurient society. Observe consent and limits and respect others of all persuasions.
I’m proud to call myself a deviant kinkster and to have good friends who know what that means.
October 3, 2019 @ 9:44 pm
Well thought out and wonderfully articulated post. Last night, my coworkers were talking about poly and I kept quiet. It definitely had the tones of “oh my don’t do that or don’t be involved in that”. I’m kind cautious what I tell to who because I can have issues with work because of it. i have taken to speaking up more and saying many of those lifestyles are normal.
October 4, 2019 @ 8:19 am
Thank you, Cara.
Living in the ‘normal’ world and needing to make a secure living means we have all sorts of compromises to make. Picking your battles is key and it’s not good to waste energy until you need to fight. xx
October 3, 2019 @ 12:13 am
Bravo 👏 Very well said
[Life] Exposing My Kinks - FlossDoesLife
October 2, 2019 @ 7:26 pm
[…] this week’s WW prompt of kink, because kissing is definitely a kink of mine. Then I began reading Kill The Heretic by Melody and her first line reminded me I had another post to […]
October 2, 2019 @ 7:54 am
I LOVE the word deviant, I use it a lot and happily so. I also absolutely agree on your points here too. Similar to you I get a lot of feedback about being an intense/hardcore kinkster, but to be honest the blog and podcast definitely give out a concentrated view of what I realistically get up to on a regular basis and like you I’m enjoy at my own pace and think that adding any level of competition to kink is an accident waiting to happen. Fabulous post Melody, especially as your first line reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to write, hopefully I’ll get it out later today x
October 2, 2019 @ 8:14 am
I think that what I’ve really come to dislike about ‘kink competition’ is the way that it causes subs, especially male ones, to lie. They lie to themselves and to any possible partner about their capabilities and limits.
It’s partly conditioned in how we manage normal life challenges. I’ve certainly stretched the truth in job interviews knowing I can grow into the role if I get the job. I think this is why I find kink so liberating, lie and you will be found out very quickly. You don’t suddenly expand your pain thresholds in 5 minutes.
I look forward to see what I’ve set off in your mind 🌹
October 1, 2019 @ 2:00 pm
Hear hear! – Live and let live too
And yes it is certainly not a competition although sometimes it does seem that even in our world some may, just perhaps a teeeeenie weeeenie bit, view it as one.
Great post Melody x
October 1, 2019 @ 2:35 pm
Competitive kink is dangerous and sometimes the only way to find that out is by being badly hurt.
Thanks, May xx
September 30, 2019 @ 9:57 pm
I also get the extreme thing because we identify as Master / slave when in actual fact we are much more laid back than many couples in similar relationships. I find it sad that we haven’t moved on as a society when it comes to viewing people as deviant for being gay, transgender, or whatever. But then we go to munches where I do wonder if some of the people are actually kinky at all, much less deviant!
October 1, 2019 @ 10:34 am
As an identity Master / slave can give the impression of a very controlled and rigid lifestyle when the beholder is largely fantasising. What fantasy rarely acknowledges is how real life dominates our kink relationships and that we adapt our own limits and levels to accommodate that reality.
Anyone doing the best they can in that framework is alright by me.
September 30, 2019 @ 6:54 pm
This is such good advice: “Go and enjoy your kink, at your own level. Be safe, both with the activities you engage in and visibility with a still prurient society. Observe consent and limits and respect others of all persuasions.”
October 1, 2019 @ 10:27 am
Thanks Marie. I see a lot of male subs who think kink is a competition. That to win the interest of a domme requires matching the pain or other thresholds of subs she plays with. Ignoring the fact that it’s the sub themselves, not their limits, that usually invites the interest of a domme. It can lead to a sub being seriously out of their depth.
September 30, 2019 @ 4:54 pm
Absolutely melody – you do you! You’ve spent long enough hiding things and discovering who the real you is, I’d hate anything to squash that now.
However, totally support the points you make regarding double standard of the world which acts as if it is accepting of all types of gender, morality and kinks when really it would prefer us all to fit the CIS hetero mould. I think more of us need to do our ‘tolerance’ homework.