Mending Stray Threads And Purpose

It’s over a week ago since I wrote about about how hard a session of confinement and brainwashing had been.  This is quite a hard post to write because I have to admit that it actually took me to some very unexpected places over an extended period of time that take quite a bit of processing.

A brainwashing session is many things, it is about submission and the reinforcement of that submission.  It is about endurance, mostly physical, though this time it was significantly also about mental endurance.  It’s about going to new places, new insights and now it’s become very much like a CP session, there’s nowhere to hide.

The first unusual thing came about 20 minutes after the brainwashing finished.  As part of the wind down she had me tied up in a cell.  I started shaking.  Given there was a heatwave outside it wasn’t an environmental thing, it came from all the way inside.  It grew stronger, even violent and although I felt fine I couldn’t deny this was me reacting to the previous 6 hours.  To be safe, she released me from the cell and tied me up somewhere more comfortable and where she could observe me better.  And as she observed as I was getting dressed, I looked haggard and completely wrung out from the experience.

A few years ago I’d have been embarrassed at displaying such ‘weakness’.  These days I know there’s no point in hiding such things.  Either she intended such reactions or not, but she’s the best placed one to know what to do about it and the only dangerous path is to try to pretend they’re not happening.

The shaking subsided after about 30 minutes but was replaced with a growing nausea.  Very similar to the effect of an endorphin rush.  But whilst an endorphin rush may last a short while, this persisted for a couple of days.

I knew this was unusual and still found it difficult to process as an effect of a session supposedly aimed only at the mental side.  Confinement aside, there was no CP, no pain.  Yet I was showing physical symptoms of high levels of session stress.  I’ve known in theory that the brain can control body chemistry from suggestion.  Here I had irrefutable proof that it can happen.

And the biggest thing to process was that I never came fully out of trance !!!

As I’ve noted before, trance is not a form of sleep, it’s better characterised as a monomaniacal form of concentration that can be very draining over an extended period of time.  The triggers for coming out of trance were a bit vague and didn’t fully work.  It’s perfectly possible to be functional in such a state, the long drive home, the subsequent days at work.

The mind can continue to work on what it knows is important, but what it would really like to do is go back to the trance state to the exclusion of everything else.

You’d think that bed time would be easy, it’s not.  The mind is freed from the daytime imperatives and the trance can be let free again.  I’ll remind you, trance is not sleep.  Several largely sleepless nights take their toll.

All this time I’m increasingly in awe of how she’s done this to me.  I’m feeling CP like sub drop effects without the CP and all the more extended for that.

It’s fascinating, it’s certainly not scarey because of that ability to function and the knowledge that it will wear off – eventually !!  (faster if some emergency arose) The main thing is simply a propensity to want to day dream with the subject of such day dreaming being what was part of the original hypnosis trance.

I saw her a week later for a normal hypnosis session and on very little clues she knew I hadn’t come fully out of the previous week’s trance.  She took me back to that place with the same induction and later brought me out of it in a normal way.  I could feel the effects lifting fairly quickly and really knew how different it was when painting clear polish on the nails late in the evening.  During the previous week the hands had been shaking a lot when doing that.  Suddenly they were steady again.

I have a perennial question as to what it is that a domme gets pleasure from with me.  Even a week after the brainwash session she was electric and buzzing over it.  A massive grin at the way she’d created a mindfuck with such strong physical effects.  Not that she had expected those effects, they were a bonus to her scheme in arriving perhaps a session or two earlier than planned.  No doubt that was why she was so alive from it.  She was very much the cat who got the cream.

It was an interesting duality she presented.  There was the professional side, with concerns for care and then there was the domme side overflowing with an euphoric glee at her accomplishments.

One of the things that’s really important to me in D/s and especially with this domme is that who I am, how I feel and how I react is genuine and honest.  Whether it’s CP or hypnosis she gives me little room to be anything else, I can’t play false to her, or myself.  In both activities there’s self-preservation in not trying to hide when I’m at or close to the limit.  I love that freedom.  Knowing I won’t be judged for showing ‘weakness’ and not even bothering to waste the energy in trying to mask it.  Because if I did try to mask it, she’d know.  And she’d quickly strip me of such pretensions, anyway.

Yes, the week after the brainwashing was difficult and I learned so much.  I learned how much I enjoyed her ability to take me to this place, I confirmed it was not a place to be frightened of and could be dealt with.  Above all, I learned so much more about her and what it is that I can add as a sub.

For any readers who have concerns for the negative and potentially dangerous aspects of this kind of play.  I can only restate that it has taken us a long time and a great deal of care to reach this point.  I’m not susceptible to anyone else and if someone tried they would earn a punch in the mouth for their efforts.  My protective sub-conscious is quite highly tuned to dangers and places it doesn’t want to go.  That provides me with a convenient filter, I can be confident that anything that gets past this filter is something I can embrace, enjoy and relax with.  Of course, this is still D/s and what you embrace, enjoy and relax with is often hard, stressful and difficult.  The real enjoyment and fulfilment comes afterwards.