It’s not often you enter the dungeon and get greeted with “God you look awful !”
I’ve no idea how I looked, but I sure felt terrible. Sod’s law had come to play. It had been some time since the previous CP session and I’d really been looking forward to this one until my body went on strike the evening before.
Early morning and I’d been on the verge of texting to cancel. The morning shower presented a dilemma in that I didn’t know if I was going to pass out or throw up.
Still, there were enough improvements to decide to make the journey.
The dungeon is a place of truth. Falsehood is uncovered and shamed. I can’t help but think that not too many years ago I’d have tried to hide the extent of my limitations on that day. To suck it up and suffer for all the wrong reasons. And I’d have been found out in minutes.
From her greeting I didn’t have to convince her I was off form. It’s amazingly cathartic to just tell it with no embellishments and let her decide how to proceed. And proceed she did with firm gentleness, slowly building up over time.
I learned a most valuable lesson in that session. Under normal circumstances I can’t safeword or call a halt, I have to trust her to know she’s pushed as far as I can take. This time, I knew she had no reference. It really was up to me to monitor very carefully how I was feeling. And as she slowly ramped up I knew I wanted to go deep in to the pain and yet the rest of the body was rebelling.
For the first time ever I called a halt !!!
And it was an easy decision. I didn’t think she’d be impressed with me throwing up over her spanking bench.
Such a valuable lesson to learn that in the right circumstances I can take control and responsibility for myself in the dungeon. I don’t expect to very often, yet the knowledge is a nice little safety backstop.
I have learned such a lot in that dungeon with her over the years. There’s no one to impress, there’s no competition except with oneself and now I’ve learned to accept and be comfortable with the fact that on some days you’re not up to that competition and it doesn’t matter a jot.
Ok, so she may have been disappointed to have had her plans thwarted. I’m sure I’ll gladly suffer for it next time 😉