I always thought the main reason for life was having dreams and goals, working hard and achieving great personal things in life. The destination.
Many years later, older, I’m not so sure any wiser or mature, I find I’m growing in ways that feel so alien.
As much as I dislike the phrase, this new time in my life, I’m finding its all about the journey. Not the destination. Every week churns up so many memories I’d completely locked away. The side effect, for me at least, is that doing this erased the good memories either side of the unpleasantness at those moments in time. I’ve been reminded of a few good things this week. Winning an exclusive luxury holiday abroad – and totally unrelated learning the first time the intense pain that accompanied a non sexually related experience has lingered since; the accompanied success of how I won that trip. Long forgotten. A time when I was so different. In a solid life long relationship with the man I was about to become engaged to (more ‘yawn’ betrayals committed against me) but definitely happier days.
The realisations that all the horrible stuff has not defined me as a person. I’m still too kind and caring when it’s rarely if ever reciprocated without agenda. It’s not my nature to be a Bitch. I will become feisty and ferly when excessively provoked or taken for an idiot. As an over thinker, I may not understand at the time but I will eventually see who the other person is. Usually they put the noose around their own necks. 100% deluded how it got there. Blaming me because, in factuality, I now see straight through them having already lost all respect and trust in them.
Most of my adult life I’ve felt as though I’ve never belonged anywhere. I recall a recent conversation where I attributed my feelings to those of the late Miss Marilyn Monroe. A gentle soul trying to get through life, looking for long lasting loving connections in all the wrong places. The deep desire to belong to someone somewhere that not only makes me feel safe – but IS safe. It’s now reaching for the impossible.
I’m an hexagonal peg trying to fit into a triangular hole.
Sometimes a piece will fit then the breeze changes direction and I’m alone again.
The best way forward for me is to explore not my deeply held habitual fall back of not trusting others but for me to remember to learn to trust in myself
@Swirlingfire, 21 January 2019
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Explore”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.