SwirlingFire: An Uncomfortable Path ….

By | January 21, 2019
Reading Time: 3 minutes

SwirlingFire

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I always thought the main reason for life was having dreams and goals, working hard and achieving great personal things in life.  The destination.

Many years later, older, I’m not so sure any wiser or mature, I find I’m growing in ways that feel so alien.

As much as I dislike the phrase, this new time in my life, I’m finding its all about the journey.  Not the destination.  Every week churns up so many memories I’d completely locked away.  The side effect, for me at least, is that doing this erased the good memories either side of the unpleasantness at those moments in time.  I’ve been reminded of a few good things this week.  Winning an exclusive luxury holiday abroad – and totally unrelated learning the first time the intense pain that accompanied a non sexually related experience has lingered since; the accompanied success of how I won that trip. Long forgotten. A time when I was so different.  In a solid life long relationship with the man I was about to become engaged to (more ‘yawn’ betrayals committed against me) but definitely happier days.

The realisations that all the horrible stuff has not defined me as a person.  I’m still too kind and caring when it’s rarely if ever reciprocated without agenda.  It’s not my nature to be a Bitch.  I will become feisty and ferly when excessively provoked or taken for an idiot.  As an over thinker, I may not understand at the time but I will eventually see who the other person is.  Usually they put the noose around their own necks.  100% deluded how it got there.  Blaming me because, in factuality, I now see straight through them having already lost all respect and trust in them.

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Most of my adult life I’ve felt as though I’ve never belonged anywhere.  I recall a recent conversation where I attributed my feelings to those of the late Miss Marilyn Monroe.  A gentle soul trying to get through life, looking for long lasting loving connections in all the wrong places.  The deep desire to belong to someone somewhere that not only makes me feel safe – but IS safe. It’s now reaching for the impossible.

I’m an hexagonal peg trying to fit into a triangular hole.
Sometimes a piece will fit then the breeze changes direction and I’m alone again.

The best way forward for me is to explore not my deeply held habitual fall back of not trusting others but for me to remember to learn to trust in myself

Swirlingfire: A history

@Swirlingfire, 21 January 2019


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5 thoughts on “SwirlingFire: An Uncomfortable Path ….

  1. Posy Churchgate

    This post makes me visualise you as a dog who has suffered ill treatment and abuse, it’s got away & is fending for itself but very wary & unwilling to trust. I hope you find the right ‘home’ and that gradually you are coaxed into a happy, nurturing environment. You are worthy of so much love & respect.

    Reply
  2. Marie Rebelle

    You’re a strong person, and this is proof of it: “The realisations that all the horrible stuff has not defined me as a person.”

    I’ve gone through MUCH in my life, and just like you, it’s not in my nature to be a bitch. But I definitely can be one, especially when I see through people, or they hurt the people I love.

    Thanks for sharing this about your history 🙂

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. SwirlingFire

      Thank you so much for your kinds words of resonance.
      It’s frustrating when I know I’m so often misunderstood & discarded.
      I’m sorry you’ve had to experience the less happy times too
      Swirly 🌻 x

      Reply
  3. MPB

    The feeling of not belonging and being a square peg in a round hole resonates for many of us I think. I hope you continue your journey towards some more pleasant destinations xx

    Reply

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