Whilst trying to reconcile my past traumas (until very recently repressed) and also with my current state of learning how I’d been treated badly by a d-type, I started thinking about the chronology of my life.
Memories comes thick and fast. A minimum of a shudder – and sometimes, a full body blow impact.
Time has made me understand that many of my character flaws (those I’m currently aware of) has caused me to unconsciously display a bad attitude or hostility in times of acute or heightened awareness of self and the far too frequent incidents of sexual assault flashbacks or recall.
It was approximately a year ago when I was at my most “hair trigger” self.
I was not good to be around.
If I’d been a family pet I would’ve been a perfect candidate for euthanasia.
The times I reacted rather than chose silence (the irony) showed how my emotional maturity had been affected. At times seeing threat when there was none. Someone stepping into my personal space uninvited is the most difficult to currently recalibrate. I’m still learning, a tiny bit better recently.
It’s been kindly pointed out to me more than once.
Some amazing people on twitter – three very important mature people in particular, that have been more than patient and catch me when I fail and explaining what I’m doing wrong. More importantly what I wasn’t observing.
In depth conversational analysis with My Editor* especially has clearly explained the error of my ways. No punches held back. Straight talking. I respond well to direct constructive criticism and detailed instructions.
My time has been a steep learning curve and at times an excruciatingly bumpy ride as news stories, blogs and repeated Retweets that don’t have clear trigger warnings (TW) or content warnings (CW) displayed. Plus the rare real life crossovers have rendered me a sobbing mess.
I hope, that in time, most people will learn to understand that I come from a place of kindness and caring…. I rarely lose my temper. I choose to not engage on the whole. I walk away. I’m finding my voice and struggling to express myself in a mature way.
I’m dreadfully embarrassed at times when it’s flagged up that I’ve accidentally offended people.
It’s taking a lot longer than I realised to finally grow up.
Maybe one day, those that I’ve hurt will understand the reasons why and forgive me.
However, I must learn to accept that for some, my apology won’t be enough. It’s too late. The sands of time have run out for us. More importantly, to learn from my errors.
@SwirlingFire 16 Dec 2018
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Time”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.