SwirlingFire: The Hour Glass
Whilst trying to reconcile my past traumas (until very recently repressed) and also with my current state of learning how I’d been treated badly by a d-type, I started thinking about the chronology of my life.
Memories comes thick and fast. A minimum of a shudder – and sometimes, a full body blow impact.
Time has made me understand that many of my character flaws (those I’m currently aware of) has caused me to unconsciously display a bad attitude or hostility in times of acute or heightened awareness of self and the far too frequent incidents of sexual assault flashbacks or recall.
It was approximately a year ago when I was at my most “hair trigger” self.
I was not good to be around.
If I’d been a family pet I would’ve been a perfect candidate for euthanasia.
The times I reacted rather than chose silence (the irony) showed how my emotional maturity had been affected. At times seeing threat when there was none. Someone stepping into my personal space uninvited is the most difficult to currently recalibrate. I’m still learning, a tiny bit better recently.
It’s been kindly pointed out to me more than once.
Some amazing people on twitter – three very important mature people in particular, that have been more than patient and catch me when I fail and explaining what I’m doing wrong. More importantly what I wasn’t observing.
In depth conversational analysis with My Editor* especially has clearly explained the error of my ways. No punches held back. Straight talking. I respond well to direct constructive criticism and detailed instructions.
My time has been a steep learning curve and at times an excruciatingly bumpy ride as news stories, blogs and repeated Retweets that don’t have clear trigger warnings (TW) or content warnings (CW) displayed. Plus the rare real life crossovers have rendered me a sobbing mess.
I hope, that in time, most people will learn to understand that I come from a place of kindness and caring…. I rarely lose my temper. I choose to not engage on the whole. I walk away. I’m finding my voice and struggling to express myself in a mature way.
I’m dreadfully embarrassed at times when it’s flagged up that I’ve accidentally offended people.
It’s taking a lot longer than I realised to finally grow up.
Maybe one day, those that I’ve hurt will understand the reasons why and forgive me.
However, I must learn to accept that for some, my apology won’t be enough. It’s too late. The sands of time have run out for us. More importantly, to learn from my errors.
@SwirlingFire 16 Dec 2018
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Time”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.
December 19, 2018 @ 5:50 pm
Accepting things we have said or done wrong in the past is a very grown up thing to do.
Firstly to actually give your time to consider that you may have done “wrong” – so many float on and never take that responsibility – and second to try and move forward, accepting what has been done, but knowing after a while there is no point at all dwelling – life is short.
Eventually it becomes the problem of those who can’t forgive, not yours. You can only so what you can. I wish you well…
December 18, 2018 @ 9:15 pm
Starting at “I hope, that in time, most people…” up to “…to finally grow up.” resonated with me so much. It has taken me about 35 of my adult years to finally come to the realization that I am who I am,, and that I should stop feeling like I don’t belong here. Also that I should stop feeling like I offend people when all I do is to guard my own boundaries. It’s still not easy, but I am more true to myself now than I have been for the greater part of my life.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that your post made me think of myself. It’s hard work, but you will get there, I am sure of that. From our interactions, I can only say that I find you a very kind person.
December 18, 2018 @ 10:31 pm
Thankyou so much for confirming I’m not being unreasonable.
I hadn’t considered it as reclaiming lost boundaries. I’ve only just found my voice.
I’m so pleased my words are relatable and resonate with you too
December 18, 2018 @ 4:00 pm
Interesting and thoughtful. Of course, try as we might we can’t always prevent causing offence. The trouble is on places such as twitter the intent isn’t always obvious. xx
December 16, 2018 @ 8:52 pm
Introspection is always so tough, I really admire how you’re approaching this so bravely and hope this journey is as smooth as possible for you.
December 16, 2018 @ 10:44 pm
Thankyou for your kind words. I appreciate them 🌻 x
December 18, 2018 @ 4:58 pm
Thankyou for your thoughts.
Since writing this piece i realise that some people will take offence at anytjing because they hide behind the keyboard. And they feel they can behave however they choose?
I was reflecting upon my own (over?) reactions.
I guess I must learn I’m not responsible for others interpretations of my words if they don’t respectfully ask me for explanation and merely subtweet/block?
Wishing you well
December 16, 2018 @ 8:40 pm
Very heartfelt and honest post. It isn’t always easy to admit you’re wrong or say you’re sorry, well done for biting the bullet. You have taught me the importance of CW which I wasn’t even aware of before we began to interact, so I my tweets and blog posts have benefitted from our association.
December 16, 2018 @ 10:46 pm
Your comments always give me food for thought.
It’s heartwarming to learn I may have given something positive to you in return