SwirlingFire: Good Girl

My Submission – taken and stirred.

Until a few years ago I never knew I had a burgeoning craving “to please”.

I experienced the dreaded hard drop every single time.  The first few times I didn’t understand what was happening to me.  I wasn’t with a caring man that explained the after effects of “play” – I was discarded from his bed and home far too quickly to resurface from the dizzy headed weekend and memory gaps of what was trialled on my body and mind, then process, with him, during a leisurely breakfast.  It was mostly eaten in a very uncomfortable silence.  I felt like screaming and throwing his dishes at him.  NO post play chat before being unceremoniously dumped at the train station with a perfunctory kiss on the cheek.

He hadn’t waited for the train with me.  He’d already gained his focus onto the next set of better holes whilst sext/texting from the car park before speeding off (messages received intended for the other clueless women if you wanted to know how I knew)Left alone with silent treatment and abandonment.

Always feeling wretched, guilty and convinced myself I’d not pleased him doing what he wanted this time.  I had to tell myself – that was why he cut short the weekend again wasn’t it ?

No phone call or text message to check I’d caught the train or made my connection or even if I’d arrived home safely!

I was pursued, captured and seduced into a new and very alien sexually charged discovery of Self.

A bizarre cycle of push & pull, silence then intense attention.

I always thought I was a ‘people pleaser’ and that often my kindness was used against me as a sign of weakness.  To a degree I was a PP, it was a strong self protective mechanism learnt in pre-pubescent years inside the family home.  Then again with bullying at school.  University it skipped and thought I’d found myself accepted and liked as a good friend.  Then into the workplace and bullying happened everywhere.

My mentor was training me, physically and sexually to please him.

The feelings that flourished under the sexual “tutelage” and “mentoring” from an exceptionally charismatic man infected me with a desire, so strong, I ignored the red flags that normally (vanilla relationship) would’ve made me run for shelter.

The adrenaline rush ignited within me was so strong that even to this day, its taking immense strength to cut one link at a time of an almost unbreakable million link chain.

The adrenaline surge through the body whilst under “threat” can cause many responses. Commonly known as the “fight/flight” response.  Many schools of therapy have their own teachings.

Two important reactions of note:

• Friend (bargaining/self preservation) until “flight” is both safe and possible)
• Flop – incapacitated and the path of least resistance to physical injury.

Natural Instinct will always make you choose “flight”.  Circumstances do not always allow a contingency.

Never judge an assault survivor by what they did or couldn’t do.

I was told –

“You are such a Natural Submissive.  Its wonderful to be your first to watch as you develop and learn…”

I didn’t really understand but hearing the pleasure in his voice felt safe.

I felt respected and cared for.

I’d never had that before.

. . .

Unfortunately, I didn’t have his respect and care then, either.  He was basking in taking all my precious first moments that should belong elsewhere.

The strength of perceived safety was intoxicating.

I was already addicted to the positive attention within a few weeks of 20 + SMS per day over a period of months.  Good banter, healthy positive exchange about life, the universe and everything.

For the first time in years he made me feel so good about myself.

It didn’t last.  I didn’t know then but it was the start of a cruel exploitative cycle of narcissistic patterns.

SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear

I was caught in weird spirals and roller coaster emotions to keep him pleased with me.
The sound of his voice pulled me further into his world.  It made everything head spinningly wonderful again.

There was very little I would not have done for him.

Rules, tasks  structure, obedience the only thing missing was intimacy continuity and his Respect.

Ironically. it was the one word he’d use with abandon – all the bloody time.  I was to respect him at all times and use correct salutation/speech/phrasing.

Even when he chose not to respond to completed tasks and twice daily rule of GM/GN messages.

Unfortunately, it was a one way street.

I hadn’t realised that not being schooled with pre-negotiating terms and the importance of continually consenting each time discussing limits etc was so vital.

I wasn’t sure what my limits were.

Total  naiveté

It still stings. Should I take 50% responsibility for not asking the questions ?

He tricked me into trusting him.

I never properly understood, considered or agreed – I still trusted him for a very long time.

Once I started blogging I then heard the phrase again

” ……You really do have the most natural submissive instincts I’ve ever come across….. “

I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin with a man as when he was teaching me “to serve” – it felt so automatic and right and real.  Clear concise instruction pushed all my pleasure buttons and centres.  Even though the submission was “taken” and at times demanded through fear of unnegotiated terms and imminent signs of silent treatment.

What I was doing felt right

Whom I was serving was wrong

** It also resonated more today, this time reading the blog of @RoughGemstone – quoted with permission

I’m definitely submissive.

It can’t be denied as part of my makeup.  It’s my secret siren call.

I’m not sure of anything anymore and I question myself:

‘Was I leaking a sexually “ submissive aura” that attracts dangerous predatory doms / predatory vanilla men..?’

Do I give off subconscious signals as easy prey?

I’ve had more than my fair share of non familial assault.

It’s very concerning and unsettling to think I’m a beacon for abuse and not  a valued precious or lovable person.

I try daily to practice the very few (non sexual) tasks I was given to keep me focusing forward.

I don’t have a particularly high regard of men.

However I try hard to remember not to behave badly towards people because of the (rediscovery of) depth of pain in my life.

It’s not their fault if they accidentally step on a memory landmine

Submission has taught me patience.

Not specifically for sexual gratification – it was never about the rough sex for me.

It was finding happiness in being a good person.

Selfless acts of care, kindness  and respect towards another caring person for zero reward.

I use those teachings to pull myself out of thick sludgy memory stew and put a brave face forward whilst trying to hold everything together and not allow myself to fracture into a million pieces without RL support of a trusted friend.

 

The most valuable thing I’ve learnt from unlocking my submissive self ?

Everyone does it their way.

There is no right way.

I can write a book on all the wrong ways and I’ll gladly do what I can to support a fledgling submissive avoid the machine gun bullets of d/s mental abuse.

All I can do for myself is communicate with strong, vibrant ,positive, healthy, aware, d/s minded submissives/genuine couples (without agenda) to learn the ways non predatory dominants behave?