Love Letter To A Nobody
Reframing my thinking …
“People pleasing” is also known as “fawning” – displaying weak boundaries, inviting abusers and narcissists into your space / life with one’s own kindness and compassion, seeing it being leeched away, then turned against the target.
It is also establishing repeated permission to be treated cruelly by abusive people who generally tell tall tales and lie all too easily.
Key dates in a calendar year come around and whilst my kindness is tearing at my insides to acknowledge people, my brain screams
“Stupid bitch, what about the time when…..? and they did it several times too !”
One has to stop, think and then before acting, consider what would that person do if the circumstances were reversed?
If one can then objectively think of several incidents over the years, should we really reward regular bad and thoughtless behaviour ?
We can all think of the times that we have made allowances for this or that, because they were “having a difficult time with xyx/situation” or a myriad of reasons we were snubbed, ignored or were made to feel hurt and unimportant.
When does that time become the last time ?
Everybody’s cut off point will be different. What has been expertly executed to become normal behaviour, suddenly becomes nauseating. There comes a time to re-evaluate. Whether it is part of friendship, family or a Lover. Qualities and expectations cannot always be managed. We can, however, choose the way we are treated and show reciprocal compassion to those that demonstrate genuine respect and genuine care.
The behaviour we accept is what we allow to continue
It’s the saddest day when reality slaps one’s face.
My wake up call was a culmination of several things over a few weeks, broken plans and “promises”, a woven tale of intricate personal moments and then the reality, when the SMS did not confirm the truth via mixed media.
Nothing gives clarity faster than seeing you are now not relevant, you’ve been replaced, yet again and, evidence clearly shows that you are now dead to them.
If I were writing this letter to myself ?
I would have a very difficult time believing it. Women rarely protect other women. I can say that now, from being stuck, when at my lowest point and, now clearing that thick claggy mist 3 years into the future.
Christmas, new years, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, Valentines, fathers day and all the other “holidays” and events that roll around each year. They’re tough to navigate alone.
Learning to like myself again has been a very bumpy ride. Predominantly because, for the most part, I believed what I was told / heard. Good girls like me didn’t make a fuss or complain about being treated unfairly.
That’s not the way a lady behaves.
Well honey, I have news for you – those women that pretend to be decent and supportive ? Majority of them are not. You say what you think, learn to say what you think and feel without being unkind. If people repeatedly behave badly towards you, accept they are not good people. It will be painful, don’t show your vulnerability, exercise your right to call out unacceptable behaviour by learning how to set and enforce boundaries, don’t argue with fools, walk away with your head up.
[16 Feb 2019]
As an addendum to my blog, based on the comments.
Not understanding what boundaries were in addition to non informed consent (and subsequent assault/all types of abuse), I never agreed to it, yet i did subconsciously allow it because, people have always been unpleasant to me from childhood.
This blog is not solely about mindWizard – its about people that have invited themselves into my life, inflicted cruel and insufferable behaviour and then told me I was responsible for their actions.
I now know these people have unaddressed major issues or they lie to their counsellors.
Don’t be like those people.
Promise ourselves that we will make a conscious effort to not be like the people I’ve had the misfortune to meet or tweet.
@Swirlingfire, 13 February 2020