SwirlingFire: Love Letter To A Nobody
Love Letter To A Nobody
Reframing my thinking …
“People pleasing” is also known as “fawning” – displaying weak boundaries, inviting abusers and narcissists into your space / life with one’s own kindness and compassion, seeing it being leeched away, then turned against the target.
It is also establishing repeated permission to be treated cruelly by abusive people who generally tell tall tales and lie all too easily.
Key dates in a calendar year come around and whilst my kindness is tearing at my insides to acknowledge people, my brain screams
“Stupid bitch, what about the time when…..? and they did it several times too !”
One has to stop, think and then before acting, consider what would that person do if the circumstances were reversed?
If one can then objectively think of several incidents over the years, should we really reward regular bad and thoughtless behaviour ?
We can all think of the times that we have made allowances for this or that, because they were “having a difficult time with xyx/situation” or a myriad of reasons we were snubbed, ignored or were made to feel hurt and unimportant.
When does that time become the last time ?
Everybody’s cut off point will be different. What has been expertly executed to become normal behaviour, suddenly becomes nauseating. There comes a time to re-evaluate. Whether it is part of friendship, family or a Lover. Qualities and expectations cannot always be managed. We can, however, choose the way we are treated and show reciprocal compassion to those that demonstrate genuine respect and genuine care.
The behaviour we accept is what we allow to continue
It’s the saddest day when reality slaps one’s face.
My wake up call was a culmination of several things over a few weeks, broken plans and “promises”, a woven tale of intricate personal moments and then the reality, when the SMS did not confirm the truth via mixed media.
Nothing gives clarity faster than seeing you are now not relevant, you’ve been replaced, yet again and, evidence clearly shows that you are now dead to them.
If I were writing this letter to myself ?
I would have a very difficult time believing it. Women rarely protect other women. I can say that now, from being stuck, when at my lowest point and, now clearing that thick claggy mist 3 years into the future.
Christmas, new years, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, Valentines, fathers day and all the other “holidays” and events that roll around each year. They’re tough to navigate alone.
Learning to like myself again has been a very bumpy ride. Predominantly because, for the most part, I believed what I was told / heard. Good girls like me didn’t make a fuss or complain about being treated unfairly.
That’s not the way a lady behaves.
Well honey, I have news for you – those women that pretend to be decent and supportive ? Majority of them are not. You say what you think, learn to say what you think and feel without being unkind. If people repeatedly behave badly towards you, accept they are not good people. It will be painful, don’t show your vulnerability, exercise your right to call out unacceptable behaviour by learning how to set and enforce boundaries, don’t argue with fools, walk away with your head up.
[16 Feb 2019]
As an addendum to my blog, based on the comments.
Not understanding what boundaries were in addition to non informed consent (and subsequent assault/all types of abuse), I never agreed to it, yet i did subconsciously allow it because, people have always been unpleasant to me from childhood.
This blog is not solely about mindWizard – its about people that have invited themselves into my life, inflicted cruel and insufferable behaviour and then told me I was responsible for their actions.
I now know these people have unaddressed major issues or they lie to their counsellors.
Don’t be like those people.
Promise ourselves that we will make a conscious effort to not be like the people I’ve had the misfortune to meet or tweet.
@Swirlingfire, 13 February 2020
February 3, 2021 @ 10:12 am
Don’t be selfish, as some commentators write. You just have to be yourself in all situations. This is not as easy as it might seem at first glance. But this is the most honest version of behavior both in relation to oneself and to others.
February 16, 2020 @ 5:14 pm
“The behaviour we accept is what we allow to continue
It’s the saddest day when reality slaps one’s face.”
Just reading this, I felt like I could feel your pain, as well as my own, as I have allowed things to continue way too often by accepting behaviour from other people that might not have been as healthy.
I read strength in this post, the ability to keep on going and to fight for yourself in a world where a lot of people won’t have your back. Keep it up! ♥
February 16, 2020 @ 5:26 pm
Aww bless, Slavepuppet, I always feel sad when someone truly identifies with my writing. That’s tough for someone to admit in this format.
I am sorry you know how this feels. It creeps inside and is like a cancerous growth.
I still have a long uphill climb.
Thank you so much for your kind support
Swirly 🌻💟
February 16, 2020 @ 5:33 pm
There is comfort in finding another person that feels similar, for me, at least, so I’m really glad you shared this with us. I believe we’ll both get there
February 16, 2020 @ 6:31 pm
I sincerely wish you an easy path xx
February 16, 2020 @ 9:58 am
Hey Swirly – this bit really stuck out for me “Women rarely protect other women.” I was writing about this very recently in a post “Proud & strong because of my Mum” – I said –
“My eldest, Darling Near Miss, was talking to me just the other day saying she was fed up about how her girlfriends sometimes put each other and women in general down. She said we should be standing up for each other and I’d taught her that. It is true, I usually comment about other women in a complimentary way, but that was because my Mum did. She saw the positive in everyone and made the people she knew feel more confident about their abilities and strong enough to face the day.”
So perhaps it is something we are taught from a young age? Society’s rules will always try and put women against each other. It is a evolutionary thing, competing for the prime “monkey” etc. lol.
Anyway – excuse the long comment…
May 😉
February 16, 2020 @ 3:59 pm
I still stand by it.
Since Twitter?
More than ever.
I can only convey and comment upon folk that don’t behave as they wish to be treated.
I have answers.
Here is neither the space or the correct time
February 16, 2020 @ 4:36 pm
Yes i am not disagreeing – I was saying I feel it is an evolutionary thing and perhaps it is something that could be culled if parents taught their girls to respect other girls
February 16, 2020 @ 4:43 pm
I understood that. I guess parents need to demonstrate that in practice in reality and share those experiences, not merely preach?
I won’t ever be a parent – I can’t relate to you regarding parental duties.
February 15, 2020 @ 1:55 pm
I do agree with your last sentence . . . though do also have some belief in “forgive, but never forget” .
Xxx – K
February 15, 2020 @ 6:18 pm
Hello
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
I’ve always been like you said “forgive and forget” – perhaps after journey through shock Shame and self blame, stuck in grieving stage for quite some time I’m passing through “phuque you & PhuqueOrf” (not you, Ms ABlaze!!! The Rapists, abusers & fake friends),
Thankyou for putting something better into perspective for me.
Swirly 🌻💌
February 14, 2020 @ 8:06 pm
I have mentioned to @sassycat that I love that passage from 1 Corinthians 13:1, for me it is the clearest description of love I have ever read. I see love in the way you look after people, in the loyalty you have to those you feel have your back and I hope that love enables you in your journey to recovery and joy.
February 15, 2020 @ 10:12 am
You’re lucky to have that on real life.
I don’t have that luxury.
People are too fake to trust.
It’s always been a one sided exercise of futility in my experience.
People lie, cheat and are fake.
I prefer to be lonely than wait for it to repeatedly blow up in my face.
Glad you liked someone else’s quote that resonated for you
February 14, 2020 @ 3:07 pm
Walking away with my head up is still a tough one to master. Thank you for giving me something to chew on. To often our kindness to others (friends and even family) gets taken advantage of which makes it hard to let anyone new in.
February 14, 2020 @ 9:30 pm
Sometimes, we need to be selfish. The good kind.
I rarely let anyone “in”.