Do I Love or Hate Pain ? – Yes

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I don’t watch or browse porn.  I certainly used to.  If I had to put my finger on it, the (never intense) interest in porn waned as the chastity lifestyle took hold and other parts of my makeup that I now recognise had a chance to incubate and then germinate.

If someone pointed me at a video, I would view on fast forward to see the “interesting” or “unique” bit, or simply because I found it boring.

The only kink videos I’ve watched in recent times are the ones of me being sploshed.  Even then, I had to resist the normal fast forward habit.

Last week, a short 2 minute video clip was uploaded to FetLife showing my last CP session – the first time I’ve been filmed in that environment.  My reaction to it is unusual.  For a start, I’ve watched it perhaps a dozen times, seeing new things each time.  The same video with another subject would hold no interest.

I see the vibrant colour of the shoes I chose at the last minute.  I hear the music that she uses for rhythmic effect.  The music recalls the smells of the dungeon.  I see the intense concentration on her face.  I see lots of things, big and small which I’ve never been able to see before.  I’ve never seen the beauty in the violence from this perspective.

And I recall how far down the rabbit hole I was when I watch her strike hard without me flinching or drawing breath.

Strange emotions and desires.  I want to see closer to the end when the cane stripes are prominent and I want to see blood flying when the cane lands.  I wouldn’t care if the subject was someone else and even though it is a different ‘me’, it plays on all the hypnotic reinforcements.

It drives right in to the core of a long running internal conflict.  As said emphatically elsewhere on this blog, I am not a masochist.  Yet a very long time ago someone said I had the makings of a pain slut.  The non-masochist side can make the beginning of a session quite difficult.  Once I’ve gone down the rabbit hole the pain slut is increasingly making itself known.

I’ve spent a long time being frightened of that pain slut prophecy / diagnosis.  The path to that space is everything that the rest of me wants to avoid.  And yet, once in that space, I feel I could go on and endure forever and I have to learn to admit that it’s a significant part of me.

To view that video you need a FetLife subscription

And after two hours of beating through the range of implements she did a full needle session.


[Updated to add pictures of some fine needlework]