SwirlingFire: See You Next Tuesday
See You Next Tuesday
Tuesday 14 May 2019
“See You Next Tuesday”
Tuesday’s I always want to sleep as long as possible, invariably, I wake up really early, before six am and can’t settle back to sleepy snoozing.
I then have 7 or 8 hours of restless pacing or trying to find errands or jobs around the house to keep me distracted.
Generally keeping busy with tasks and household chores actually turns my thoughts to millisecond fleeting images that I rarely allow to settle.
This type of time to kill always consolidates all the thoughts I don’t want and I find them dumped in the freshest part of my memory bank.
Maybe I should restart a hand written journal?
It was a great tool when I was so verbally constipated it would have needed a whole team of bounty hunters with mechanical drills to drag my life story out of me.
I still don’t like to talk about myself. Maybe anecdotes of similar events to empathise or sympathise with another. Actual, specific information? No way, no how. You’d have to drag it out of me.
Even today, approaching maybe 40 blogs of depressing / mind numbingly draining and uncomfortable tales – I’ve still not gone deeper into my apparently tough, cool outer shell to get to the ripe kernel that rattles around inside. All the juicy bits that people ask me in private or under cover of DM.
I’m not being deliberately mysterious to be alluring and a mischievous temptress. I just don’t want to keep having to dig deeper. There are some nuggets so deeply buried I’m happier they stay in the dark. Incredibly distressing moments, which quite frankly, is nobody’s business but mine. I’m exhausted from investing myself into friendships and connections to then have information used against me to mock or harass. I’m better alone than with fakes and fools.
I was having a conversation with somebody recently in order to explain a current thought process, it was evident I would have to explain HOW I’d reached this current mind set/way of thinking.
I’m not aware of being a negative thinker. When people and life circumstances have kicked you in the guts on a fairly frequent basis, one does become tired and jaded to be naturally open minded to new people / friendships, welcoming and warm (I’m rarely rude or impolite – if I am there will be a damn good reason related to them, not my mood) and be able to become excited for future plans. So often the people I know have flaked out and cancelled at very last minute. Costing me dearly in cancelled work, income and other associated expenses.
I hadn’t realised or taken time to realise this until mindWizard chiselled his way into my life. I lost count of the plans and dates that were changed or cancelled to suit him and all the others he has toyed with or is yet to meet and charm.
I hadn’t noticed it because it was a very gradual practice.
A change of time, a change from all weekend to two nights to maybe one night. Very rarely, a booking made in my home town. A very welcome effort from him. We were never exclusive but I thought it was lovely he made the effort. It was short lived. I know his “tells” so well. I knew when plans were about to change in pursuit of fresh supply.
It became so regular that I used to make a bet with myself. Except I was never the winner in this game. That’s what it all was for him. A game. A game that many have played with him and more will follow suit. There is nothing I can do about it. I can’t assume the next time will be different. I can’t make decisions for somebody else based on what has happened to me. Maybe his next one will be the making of him ?
It’s not my place to try to save someone is it ? My auto response to want to reach out to prevent many more women having to learn the hard way like me will not be appreciated. The new supply will not listen to a discarded lover. The abuser has already paved the way. I remember the tantrum that followed when I asked to speak to current / previous submissives. The lambasting I received for being “inappropriate” and “incredibly rude / invasive”. My gut was screaming at me that what was about to start up between us wasn’t correct. I knew nothing and didn’t have anybody to confide in. My senses were trying to slap some sense into me – everything explained away or I’d be made to feel embarrassed / humiliated for thinking such an outrageous thing. Speak to an ex?
“I think not”
@Swirlingfire, 15 May, 2019
November 13, 2019 @ 5:40 am
I can understand there are things that you can’t or done want to share. I think that writing can help to process those and even if you are only touching the surface then I would think there would be value. Sometimes it is more of a slow drawing out and a gradual realisation. 😊
November 13, 2019 @ 10:28 am
There are many things I won’t be sharing. I’ve alluded to much more since this piece was written (7 months ago), when I had started another round of Therapy – I chose to not discuss I’d restarted on my Twitter timeline.
You’re correct, of course, writing has greatly helped me, especially #365Words which focused my thoughts.
November 12, 2019 @ 7:23 pm
You have been through so much, and some of the things I read here reminds me of what happened to me, or rather, what I lived through… the story I am currently sharing in my ‘No Consent’ series. He once called himself a master brain… to him it was a game too.
November 13, 2019 @ 10:40 am
I feel for your pain too. Its wonderful you’ve managed to find love and move into a happy life (comparatively) with family etc.
I’m glad you stayed strong.
The men that play these dangerous games are everywhere and, always the men we never suspect.
As I write, a female expert psychotherapist/hypnotherapist is detailing how she was in a coercively controlled relationship. An educated vibrant woman, charmed in exactly the same ways we were.
Nobody is really safe.
I’ve read a lot of your blog posts lately and my heart has broken for you often.
We live through it and hopefully learn
With warmest wishes