For many subs of all genders a collar is the ultimate visible expression of being owned by their dominant. It (usually) signifies mutual commitment and having achieved a level of submission within a relationship that the dominant wants to recognise. Often it is also a public symbol, even when it’s a day collar that doesn’t stand out too much to the vanilla world we perambulate through daily.
Damn did I want to earn a collar when I first started with my former mistress. And I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I saw ‘training’ as a syllabus with regular exams to pass until I reached the level of being a ‘good’ sub where the prize was a collar. Eagerly ticking off each level and rushing to the next. It wasn’t exactly sub frenzy, more a natural male competitiveness derived from aggressive career progression.
I still had everything to learn that it wasn’t about me me me.
I was so damned proud of myself when she presented me with her collar.
There’s nothing to actually put your finger on, just an air of cocky smugness – she took the collar back after two weeks, declaring a reset. A bucket of ice water.
She proceeded to get me to slow down, to learn to let go of my own agenda, to learn over time what was actually important.
She never gave the collar back to me. By the time I was the submissive whom she really wanted to collar it was already our mutual understanding that I had long been collared and we didn’t need that symbolism any more. I still have that collar even though it’s never been worn since she told me to take it off. About a year ago I took it with me when we met for dinner. When she saw it she was petrified that I was returning it. Once she realised I only wanted to show it was still an important memento of her time as my mistress her eyes watered at the memories.
Ever since then I never thought I’d find such symbolism to be personally and emotionally important. And perhaps that was a feature of ‘him’. melody has slightly different and conflicting views. It may just have been a Christmas present, but the necklace from my domme has collar / ownership connotations to melody. Whilst I don’t actually need that to be mutual, it works for me even though I’ve yet to emotionally understand it fully.
My relationship with cuffs is much less ambiguous, I love the feelings of submission and security afforded when cuffed. There’s a calmness descends when I hold out the wrists and she fastens on the soft leather cuffs. It emphasises the moment she takes control and I have to bend to the inevitable, relinquish responsibility, revel in the onset of deep submission and the start of the descent into subspace when they are clipped to the bench.
And that’s how she created the most exquisite mind-fuck in one session. She didn’t bother with the cuffs, just told me to get on the bench. With the restraints missing I thought she’d be going easy and as she went up through the gears I was then waiting for the pause for the cuffs to be applied.
With her hitting ever harder I started to appreciate the mind-fuck. I had a choice I’d never had to make before. I could get up and stop any time I wanted to.
She’s always pushed me, her skill is getting me to the point where my mind is spinning around the question of ‘can I take any more ?’ And whilst it’s spinning, she will keep me there, still asking that question of myself without arriving at the answer of an unequivocal “no”.
It’s an interesting place to be realising just how much freedom there is in being cuffed and restrained because the decision of “yes” or “no” is completely out of my control – one I really don’t want the responsibility of making.
Not this time !!
In freedom from the cuffs, the choice and responsibility to mentally keep answering “yes” was entirely mine. It was a deep test of my submission to remain on that bench. It felt as if I was rigidly locked on it. I genuinely wanted to roll off that bench, yet I couldn’t make my muscles move.
I now know that I don’t actually need the cuffs to anchor me for when the CP reaches the limits, but it’s a whole lot easier to relinquish the control and responsibility.
Written for the #TellMeAbout prompt “Collars and Cuffs #13”. Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.