Circle of Flames
Something has been playing on my mind for quite some time.
I realise I’ve never had many or as I’m beginning to accept – any.
On early arrival onto Twitter somebody during the course of a DM conversation used the term ‘people pleaser’. The descriptions certainly echoed many things I was doing to protect myself. Although it was subconscious I was definitely shielding myself. I can’t bear confrontations or raised voice arguments. Shouting, screaming, and general verbal violence. Absolutely without doubt, this was a coping mechanism from growing up in a “shouty” house.
Today I recalled the incident of a glass pint bottle of milk thrown through the air from Daddy at #Mothership. I was probably around 15 years old (although I can’t be certain). Mum managed to side step and I remember the sound as the glass bottle made contact with the glass door behind mum and watching the exchange between them.
I grew up with several sets of mismatched plate patterns. It never really occurred to me until quite recently why that was.
On a very basic level, If people suggest things or make plans to include me that I don’t like, I’ve still gone along with the popular choice because to disagree caused arguments and being shunned, ignored or not invited to future events.
Now I understand that my childhood caused me to step back from the merest perceived threat of danger. To many people it would be absent. Barely a noticeable nuance. So subtle it was invisible to the majority/peers – unless you knew what to recognise. When you live in a heightened state of Adrenalin stages it’s always present. More importantly, I realise, to,a degree, I’m still relying heavily on this method of protection. It’s not healthy, unfortunately, my experience to not be hyper alert has taught me that the alternatives are far worse. Adolescent, young adult and mid twenties life experiences showed me just how dark life could be when I disagreed with people. When I had the audacity to say “ NO!”
The last time I attempted a very gentle softly spoken NO the same old thing happened again.
So, of course it was always my fault, things like these happened to me far more than my knowledge of friends that shared. Those of whom discussed dating in explicit detail. Only as before, I was made to think it was my fault for being disagreeable, being silly,
I shouldn’t have made eye contact whilst kissing. I shouldn’t be so sexy. I shouldn’t be a cock tease (when I’d actually changed my mind to not want any type of sexual exchange). It was my fault for placing myself into the cruel hands of a man that didn’t respect or care about me. Ever. A great pretender.
Except at the time it didn’t feel that way.
It took several years to wake up to the cold bare facts that I’d been expertly placed into mental bondage and never understood or had any experienced support from a non sexually demanding mentor.
I’d been trapped by his spell.
No consent, brand new to being told I was a natural submissive, my questions and concerns waved away because I didn’t know about BDSM (I agreed to very basic impact play. I never once agreed to d/s. By the time I realised what we were doing being made to kneel the first time when I didn’t want to, wearing a very uncomfortable collar when we were not exclusive /embarking into a loving relationship. Both these acts were under duress. They felt wrong but I was uneducated in KINK terms and basic understanding to healthily verbalise my disapproval and that I was too scared to say NO based on earlier events with him and then punished.
Hence the pseudonym “mindWizard” (for those that are new to my blog or odd/unique phrasing).
I’m currently struggling, or, is it people are seeing the early start of my self improvement and are not happy about it ?
A few recents incidents have made me stop and think lately. Two in particular.
One occasion was old me pulling up the drawbridge (ending a situation where I felt uncomfortable and ‘out of favour/my purpose was no longer of use or interest to them) and a fairly recent situation, where, I now think I started to set out a boundary for myself but perhaps didn’t express it correctly ? I’m still uncertain if I did actually upset someone or whether our communication had come to a natural end. I was not happy with how I felt. I expressed how I felt. It wasn’t well received.
I’ve now concluded that for me at least, there are two types of being vulnerable.
The first is to show it by actions or verbalising it in ways people understand
The second way was the one I chose, to explain my deepest secrets fears and hurts and how I perceived/sensed/felt their reaction/demeanour had upset and had a profound impact up on me.
At the time of the second instance and, for the first time, expressing my boundary, I was writing a new blog that eventually appeared as “Mentor”
It has been the most difficult piece I’ve written to date SwirlingFire: Mentor.
I’m still processing the contents and the unwritten instances that happened with my mentor/protector.
The SAS have a short saying: “Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Reactions”
I must now pay far more attention to what is right for me. Being a People Pleaser has caused me too much trauma for far too long.
I’m not sure how I learn to correct how I navigate through my future “relationships” (all types not specifically romantic/sexual).
That will be my next step to make myself whole.
…….Learning boundaries is all well and good. Expressing them is a bloody minefield……
@Swirlingfire, 5 April 2019
Written for the #sb4mh meme of “Sexual Assault Awareness”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.