One thing that periodically comes to haunt me are the thoughts about dark cravings and desires. For me, there are two distinct types of darkness that can inhabit the nastier recesses of my mind
- Submissive darkness, that is how far can the need to be submissive drive the acceptance of physical pain.
- Hypnotic darkness, something more recent exploring dark and frightening emotions.
To a fair degree there is significant overlap between them as it’s likely that the more extensive the hypnotic darkness becomes that it will drive exploration in submissive darkness. However, for now I’ll leave the hypnotic darkness for another post.
What constitutes submissive darkness changes significantly over time. At the beginning it tended to be high fantasy, unrealistic visions of being forced into violations of integrity and humanity.
Largely that stuff has been flushed out of my submissive make up as a residual of rejecting bad labels and having security within my D/s relationships. What that leaves is essentially realistic things I can define as wanting to know just where I can actually go. Things that challenge every concept of endurance, though it goes beyond even that – I still have the dark desires of ownership. To be claimed and marked.
- Marks and welts far beyond current
- Blood from CP activities
- Permanent marking
- Branding, Tattoos, Piercing
- Needle work
- Breast and genitals
- Medical torture play
- Endurance of pain and stress
- Various others
What I do know is that over the years I’ve been very well cared for. I’ve been lucky in that dommes have kept within the limitations that they recognise within me, even as they do push to expand those limitations. They’ve kept away from the darker activities with “you’re not ready for that”. That can be infuriating at the time, yet highly reassuring.
I may not have been ready for some activities, but I can still wonder about them. I do wonder if what they perceive is not the physical readiness but their sense of what could mentally damage me as a submissive. This last one was a particular insight when talking to the former mistress, when she said she’d never considered humiliation play because she knew I wasn’t really a sissy and that it would be wrong and potentially damaging – a sentiment independently echoed by the current domme.
So, perhaps what I needed to understand and come to terms with is what sort of activity would be wrong and damaging for who I am now.
One of the drivers behind these is submission. There’s probably a residual of the long ago idea that to go deeper in to submission required more extreme acts. I don’t subscribe to that, though I may have done at some point thinking that this is what would bring me the craved for attention. It goes without saying that these largely fantasy activities really scared me.
If there’s a difference now it is down to really learning to trust – which is what submission is, anyway.
What’s changed over the years has been to discard the unrealistic fantasies, leaving activities such as the above list that are very feasible, even if they are at the edge of, or beyond my current abilities. The growing up is complete when I no longer wonder about being forced to do something but can admit that I want to be pushed to go there.
Where I have changed is to see such activities not as a price of being submissive but as part of that nagging core inside me that seems to always want to test my personal limitations. It’s a test of my trust as well as my endurance. Of course that trust is heavily dependent on the submission. I can acknowledge the truth that these are not things I secretly want to be ‘forced’ to do in order to show what a good submissive I can be, or avoid the personal responsibility. Instead, they are what I want to do and my submission provides the rock on which I can launch in to the unknown.