I had my start in blogging as a result of a very unexpected and flattering approach to write a guest post on another blog.  Now it’s my turn to offer a space to another person.

I’ve only known her for a few weeks.  She’s complex, witty and dealing with the curve balls that life throws at us.  I’m flattered that she decided she could trust me when trust is a commodity in short supply.  What is particularly interesting to me is that over the years I have known and talked to plenty of dommes and male subs.  I haven’t talked in depth with female subs.  We have a lot more in common than I ever suspected.

This space is here so she can express herself in her own words and reveal as much or as little as she is comfortable with.  Apart from formatting there’s no re-writing from me.

I remember my panic waiting for my first revealing post to go public.  Be gentle.

Here is the first post from @swirlingfire

Who does she think she is …… ?

I’m not the biggest fan of all the Fuck stories.  Mostly because I can’t relate to them in terms of as yet unexplored kink/bdsm themes/scenes …… I guess I’m not currently in the correct healing or head space to indulge fantasies or desires/wants/needs whilst devoid of a supportive RL partner ??

I was recently approached by a lovely lady to contribute to a “question and answer” piece as part of a short story blog site.  I’ve never “been a blogger” although I have “been writing” for four or five years.  First showing, by fluke or timing, shown to a third person and later published.

I have experience writing erotica.  I’ve simply never shared it as part of a twitterblog.  It was written for a man in my past and it was private.

Initially, as almost always, I was mistrusting of this person/request as it was an unsolicited request from a new follower without any exchange between us….

(I have major trust issues with EVERYONE until I chat with them a little while – for good reason, it’s not meant to be personally offensive but it’s a quality about myself I try to control.  It’s a balancing act when more often than not I’m proved correct over and over again.  My gut reactions are returning and it’s caught me by surprise the last few weeks. )

It’s easy to hide my thoughts but the flywheel starts whizzing even faster with a myriad of questions inside my head ……. after a tiny bit of well placed and trusted research, I realised it was part of an extensive respected blog …..

It’s a definite maybe ……

I do like to read about kinks in general, not necessarily the sloppy sticky squirmy loving caring sharing bits…. they are good too.. ..  though not what currently piques my current swirling thoughts and how I’m learning to process those machinations …. However… I’m currently thirsty for accurate knowledge/guidance and community support.  Not support freely offered then in return receiving judgemental dismissive and incorrectly attributed exchange.

Its quite simple, because for me I prefer what’s going on inside someone’s mind and the drivers behind it that have steered a person to that “activity” than photos of actual genital involvement…. this is noticeable far more frequently…. makes me at odds with Twitter…… I enjoy the long, slow, patiently waiting, calm and self controlled obedience of an extended experience over hours, days or weeks. ….. why do certain submissive acts give more pleasure than penetrative activity ?……

Why does the stinging bite of a Cane or Belt feel like permission to cry an uncontrollable river of tears for as long as I need within the care of a designated space/time frame become more preferable to tears I’m capable of shedding alone?

My own self control and behaviours over the decades have become a clever foil, another protective yet invisible fine screen, it’s meshed itself around me like an invisibility cloak.

I can move from private mode to high profile business events. Barely skipping a heart beat beneath carefully constructed shields of protection.  Charming the birds from the trees, achieving and exceeding corporate targets/goals and exuding the confidence and calm poise akin to gliding like a swan on a mill pond.

The Submissive in me thrived and craved service/giving/his pleasure rather than being rewarded with orgasm etc……

I guess that’s how I was manipulated/played/coerced for so long …… ?

Currently I’m very confused as to whether that “was” my craving or whether that’s what was “planted” into my conditioning?

Who was i really?
Was i the real me before I met him?
Who was i when we spent time together
Who am I now?
Who will I be next year?

@SwirlingFire 23 September 2018