SwirlingFire: I’m Not A Slave – I was Bamboozled
I’m Not A Slave – I was Bamboozled
There are parts of my mind I can never reopen.
Parts of my mind that need to stay locked.
The parts that opened, I now realise, were burgeoning with subliminal messages and possibly drowning in confusion of discovering I liked the kink he showed me (without consent) and unwittingly towards fulfilling his “Slave” yearnings. I didn’t have a clue about his tendencies and kink preferences. We never talked about what mentor trainer and lover would involve. I queried it several times and was made to feel a fool. I Didn’t understand the correct path 5 years ago. I’m still not sure I do today. I’m a submissive woman, that became clear. A “submissive in training” to a man that systematically dismantled me to mould to his specific sadistic pleasures yet, zero intentions of nurturing, respecting and caring for and about me and bereft of all systems and dynamics to rebuild me. Drop kicked into the abyss and left there, alone to unravel.
I know for a fact mindWizard instinctively saw me as a soft target and his bloodlust, sniffed me out and hunted me down like prey. As a strong confident professional woman, told I should experience being spanked, at least once. That was my genuine recollection of the only time I consented to his whim and fancy.
Make no mistake, I was methodically taken apart without any intention to build me back up again. The ‘man’ is a real life sadist. The dom persona gives him the cachet and ability to be trusted. It simply gave carte blanche to demonstrate his real life cruelty on women with people pleasing tendencies.
Let me assure you, there is no woman that is totally immune to his charm. Whether as a platonic/non sexual friend or colleague. A skilled Sadist. Ruthless, calculated with a well tried and perfected technique.
By him switching fully on, those aspects of the submissive part of my mind, brain, being – my psyche – I’ve learnt are both scary / exhilarating.
I was in the wrong hands and careering without brakes into meltdown.
It would only now feel a true power exchange with a good man – yet how can I possibly take such a huge risk again ? Knowing how dangerous it can become in the wrong choice ?
The judgemental contingency of people (Male and female subs, bottoms, kittens, baby girls, BDSM tops, swingers, casual observers etc etc.,) that have made uninformed comments about or to me don’t have a clue how “safe” their lives are in their comfortable bubbles. (thanks sub tweeters and cowards, you actively helped me fight back and learn to survive)
Knowing how many “firsts” were taken by stealth is deeply saddening to me.
Taken full advantage of, at a time that I’ve come to learn was perhaps manipulated “SubFrenzy”, certainly not respectful “mentoring and training”.
A time that should have been treasured and respected.
Not a time for full submission taken and rewarded with physical, mental and verbal abuse and assault.
I was no stranger to physical assault. I knew how to ride those storms to make it to the other side. Relatively unscathed to the naked eye.
The coupling of me presenting to him, as a socially “professional (yet people pleasing doormat)” and the realisation of “submissive training”, without understanding, I was being coerced into non consensual d/s, is equally if not, more damaging than anything else I lived through.
I was thinking the other day – I’ve only “dated/had relationships” with “date/ Rapists”. This was another of those violent men in a charming guise.
It’s extremely distressing
I was conditioned to accept, exclusively, it was always my fault
Too alluring etc etc
Being told I’m a “natural submissive” from several unconnected sources is a jolt back into reality as my head was already in a structured noose.
Will I ever challenge mindWizard ?
Will I ever have answers or “closure” as our “Pals across the Pond” would say?
I feel that time may be approaching yet, to say my truth – That would mean breaking 18 – months “No Contact”
I’m not okay with that.
I will never hear truthful answers from one that lies so easily and, vehemently believes every word that falls off his silver forked tongue.
It’s an opportunity that will be fatal for me.
A handsome rapist and rabid wolf in expensive suits with an attractive, affluent lifestyle.
Image is everything.
As for his final message all those months ago, assuring me he had my mental health concerns at heart due to my Rape memories returning (yes, he knew everything, how else do you think he could charm and coerce so well ? Duh ! That was how he had so much leverage to gaslight) wanting to maintain our friendship ? BS.
I dropped immediately off his radar.
Several “collarings” swiftly followed (one of these victims was wearing my “play collar”, the image burned into my mind still nauseates), they never last, start & stop.
The same cycle, forever in the steel constraints from whence formed, will not change.
his patterns have not changed, in spite of him thinking he has.
The irony is that the moments I’m now proud of, the self esteem I’ve managed to claw back, my personal self confidence (as opposed to professional), my industry awards, my studies and University pass, two separate therapy based courses and a new block of counselling, writing classes, #365Words that focussed my thoughts to culminate in my first time listing within “Kinkly Top 100 blogs”, all whilst managing my own physical (in addition to #MH) health and caring for #Mothership.
I’ve had nobody in my physical daily life to share any of the above successes. I’m very grateful to a handful of online friends. It’s still empty and lonely moments.
Bittersweet moments that are all tainted.
My first instinct is to share with mW.
It troubles me.
The mental bondage is still strong.
I want to scream :
“Look, look at me, look at how far I’ve travelled.
Despite you instigating my downwards spiral with your mindgames.
Look at everything I’ve accomplished!
I’ve clawed my way back, I’m alive and surprisingly, still breathing.
All this was in spite of you, not because of you.
you wanted a Slave,
you did not want me be my best self for me
only for how badly you could treat me
and repeatedly drag me back under your spell
you don’t miss me
you don’t want me
you don’t care or respect me
you’re a sad deluded man that’s told so many lies, for
so many years you’re convinced it’s true
you will continue to look for fresh fuckmeat to destroy –
no one is good enough.
They never will be — Another Crazy Ex”
Swirlingfire: A Posting History
@SwirlingFire 13 November 2019
December 4, 2019 @ 4:38 pm
Hey Swirly. I’ve had this post as a pinned tab since you posted it. I find I have nothing new to say about this evil bastard.
I am very glad to see you making progress. 🙂
December 4, 2019 @ 5:12 pm
Thank you for the kind thoughts.
I have far too much to say but have learned to accept that every man I “date” has been a Rapist.
Bad luck or bad timing?
Learning to process through writing has been his legacy.
November 24, 2019 @ 11:01 am
Thank you for reading and comment.
I don’t particularly enjoy sharing any of the posts, it’s necessary to no longer hold onto my silence.
November 23, 2019 @ 10:18 pm
Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry that you went through something so painful. He sounds like a very dangerous person. Hugs.
November 24, 2019 @ 2:27 pm
My reply to you is below. I typed in the wrong box xx
November 23, 2019 @ 10:07 am
It is heartbreaking to read this Swirly. You write with great skill and panache. I hope one day you will be able to write about happy events in your life and not these dreadful memories which are like a terrible millstone. Something nobody should have to endure. x
November 24, 2019 @ 10:56 am
If anything, its shown me ignorance can definitely be #Bliss for some of us.
he knew how to trigger me to his advantage.
On a positive note, I’m learning how to write and use it to explain to others to protect themselves from trusting the wrong person.
It’s too late for me for “happy events”, those life markers have all passed me by.
This is now my real life – supporting others that know first hand?
November 23, 2019 @ 4:10 am
Finding people who understand has been a big part in my ongoing recovery and I hope that things are beginning to settle for you Swirly.
November 24, 2019 @ 10:51 am
Just when I think I’m starting to heal, some Information picks at scar tissue and turns it into a pus laden scab.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy days to read and leave a comment
November 22, 2019 @ 7:51 pm
Thank you for sharing this, a horrible experience that you survived, and for linking to Tell Me About. A great example of how a Dominant can take advantage, of how damaging their Training can be.
November 24, 2019 @ 10:46 am
A person that deliberately does this, repeatedly with others, is NOT a dom. he is a sadistic bully that revels in rough sex.
A professional rapist, of sorts.
I never thought I would have anything to contribute to your site.
Thank you for allowing this piece with in next to all the positive stories
November 24, 2019 @ 11:23 am
You are right, they are not a Dominant they pose as one.
November 22, 2019 @ 1:24 pm
I’ve been where you are. I’ve crossed the country by train while still half in subspace. I shudder to think what would have happened had the wrong person looked into my eyes.
I don’t think he even realises how much he has influenced my life – for the worst, but you know, we struggle and we learn from the lessons.
I wish you the best 😘
November 24, 2019 @ 10:43 am
We have shared a similar experience, I don’t doubt that. It is a daily struggle.
Wishing you a speedy recovery too
November 22, 2019 @ 9:22 am
Very poignant- “My first instinct is to share with mW.”
and understandable too. Over time that will fade, but certainly a testament of how deeply he infiltrated your mind x
November 24, 2019 @ 10:42 am
Please may I have a time on that?
It’s taking a very long time.
Thank you for reading and your reply
November 24, 2019 @ 11:33 am
Yes for sure – time is a gift x
November 21, 2019 @ 6:45 pm
Sometimes when I read about the mindWizard, it makes me think of the months I went through with a man who bound me to him in ways I still wish had never happened. My No Consent series is about him, although he has not been mentioned yet. While redoing this story for my blog, I have been thinking about contacting this man and demanding answers, but I know I will never hear the truth. He will never apologize. The mindWizard won’t either. For our own mental health it’s better not to go back at all. Hugs to you, Swirly!
November 21, 2019 @ 8:13 pm
Expecting integrity from a person that doesn’t recognise their wrong doings is a futile exercise.
All I know, he did it because he has become accomplished and knows how to bend the truth to support his twisted narrative.
I’m so sorry my pieces have dredged up unhappy times for you.
E. L. Byrne
November 21, 2019 @ 5:27 pm
Hugs (if that’s what you need). I’m sorry you’ve had to do so much of this alone. I’m glad you’ve found some online friends and support at least. Thinking of you.
November 21, 2019 @ 8:10 pm
You’re very sweet to comment this way, thank you very much.
I’ll take the kindness where I can