Good grief !!! Is that a cue for me to actually write smut ?
Hmmm … perhaps tangentially.
Fantasies can be odd, they are, of course, intensely personal images, feelings and sensations from the darkest recesses of the mind – veritable monsters from the Id.
When I look back I see that much of my path through D/s has been not about fantasy fulfilment, it has instead, been about clearing out unrealistic fantasies. Not necessarily creating new ones, but sharpening the remaining ones into what is actually feasible and often scary.
As regular readers will know, it’s only in the last few years that I’ve clearly understood that I am asexual. But in writing this post, as I think back, it’s kind of a “Doh” moment because I can’t recall any of those old fantasies being explicitly about raw bump and grind sex. Overall, that’s quite a surprise realisation. I read posts from ‘normal’ people and fantasy is often about what is it that you lie back and masturbate to ? I may have done just that when the hormonal juices first started to flow, but not for long enough for there to be any real memory of it, just a vague impression.
Those early fantasies might have been naive but the general concepts behind them haven’t really changed. For a very long time my fantasies have revolved around D/s, FemDom control and endurance.
The first fantasies also had a high degree of objectification. A lack of confidence and self worth (probably due to what at the time was felt to be an embarrassing lack of interest in sexual fantasy) leading me to believe that no domme could actually be interested in me, only what she could use me for. All compounded by the fact that I really wasn’t looking for sexual intercourse and what can a sub offer if he can’t use his dick like all the porn stories say he should be able to ?
Well, if a domme can’t or won’t use him for actual sex, she can certainly abuse his dick and sexual responses. And I’m sure that’s partly where the chastity fantasies came from. At the outset chastity is a highly sexual form of play, albeit seemingly quite irrational. Why on earth have serious fantasies about not being able to have sex ? Indeed, deeper than that, the fantasies around being denied sexual release by another person are some of the most powerful D/s visions that there are. Very common is the sub-genre of cuckolding where the controlling partner has all the sex they want, perhaps a high degree of promiscuity, whilst the controlled sub … well … suffers – preferably, cruelly. I can’t say that cuckolding was part of my fantasy fabric as it didn’t impinge until after I learned some realities, but I absolutely get why it’s such a vivid fantasy for many of those I used to talk to in forums.
Ah, I mentioned reality.
There’s the common phrase about living your fantasies. I know that I’m odd in a few ways. One seems to be that fantasies don’t survive the light of reality being shone on them. No. That’s not in any way a disappointment. The reality far outstrips the fantasy – I can live the reality, when the unrealised fantasy is at best impractical and usually impossible.
As I better understand my evolution I see that my asexual nature became the dominant factor in chastity related fantasies. They became less and related to sex and primarily about the D/s relationship which sprouted from that initial mutual chastity interest. Perhaps the one actual fantasy element that remains is gender related where the fantasy of castration became the last unreachable stop on the line.
And that kind of leads me onto dark fantasies.
There’s a male blogger called furcissy who some readers will have come across. He’s a very thoughtful and articulate writer on male submissive motivations. He also has some very dark fantasy drivers that he acknowledges can put him beyond the understanding of many people. I find it fascinating to read some of this thoughts because my overriding reaction on first encountering him was “there but for the grace of God”. I know most of the paths he describes, the ones into despair, degradation, objectification and ruination. I’ve stood at the fork in the road staring at the one that leads to the abyss and I’ve been incredibly lucky that the dommes I have known have grabbed me by the hand and led me down the safer, lighter path.
That’s not to say that the dark fantasies have been flushed out. Elements remain, feasibly scary elements that are at least no longer dangerously destructive.
One of the common aspects of those early dark fantasies was being made to suffer, to endure the unendurable. There was a strong component in there of consensual non-consent. I find that very common among male subs, the self-knowledge that they could not live up to their fantasies without the removal of “get out” options. Yet the fantasy desire to see it through, all the way to damnation, is incredibly strong.
I could say that I’ve broken the hold that such fantasies might have had, yet if I’m honest, I know quite well how a domme could ‘break’ me and make me desire to plunge into everlasting darkness for her.
For now, that box labelled ‘darkness’ focuses on endurance that’s not eternal suffering – things that push a long way past existing limits, yet from which I can arise blinking in the sunshine when the ordeal is over. What maybe the difference between now and then are two things. First, that everything in that box comes with a label of active consent. Second, is I still have a fascination with what might break me. The most real and healthy difference is that I no longer seek to find self worth and identity from the extremes of fantasy. Bit by bit the dommes I have known have taught me that it’s about the ‘who’ of submission and rarely about the ‘what’.
For me, I think that the ultimate fantasy is entering and discovering the great unknown. My fantasies only overlap with more common sexual fantasies in the realms of D/s. Where many will use D/s as the backdrop or enabler of sexual olympics, I find all my fulfilment within the D/s dynamic alone.
Written for #TellMeAbout. Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.
December 7, 2019 @ 7:45 am
Thank you for sharing this. I felt myself relating and identifying with a lot of this. I too am an emotional masochist and so the thoughts I have seem hard to understand as I don’t actually want to do them, even if I might want to be made to do them. The idea of being broken or pushed beyond what I can even imagine intrigues me too. I want to know what that self is although the thought of it frightens me a bit in terms of what I would do to get there if that makes sense. Because of how I feel about these things I can’t ask for them or even articulate them 😊
December 7, 2019 @ 8:24 am
Oh, I’m really glad that you saw something you understood and could identify with here. It’s quite frightening to look inside and peer into the darkness and find what’s there. Knowing that with consent your limits don’t get you close, which is when that nasty thought bubbles up ‘what if I had no choice and was made to to this ?’
And talking about them, I get that. I don’t think I’ve ever talked in any detail with my domme about what’s in there. She knows in general and to a degree she’s lanced the boil of the really self-destructive stuff. As for what’s left I find I give little hints once in a while but I’m not going to talk about them unless she sits me down and interrogates for a long time.
Thanks for the great comment 🌹🌹
November 30, 2019 @ 2:58 am
Very interesting Melody. I read fur’s blog too and there are definitely similarities in the darker fantasies. I’m still finding my feet as pet’s Domme and some of his follow suit.
November 30, 2019 @ 11:01 am
I’m convinced that there’s a well of darkness in male subs, especially if they have a lot of online background to feed the myths. The great thing about fur is that he’s able to analyse and then articulate what he sees inside himself. The first time I read his posts I thought “thank God I’m not the only oddball who knows this darkness”.
His thoughts on broken and unbroken subs are quite insightful.
I’m not sure the dark thoughts ever entirely go away. My personal experience is that it is the nature and the qualities of the domme that determine the extent of the hold the darkness has on the sub. The sub tends to go where he’s led.
I do find this fascinating to think how close I’ve been to a furcissy style self-destruction. 🌹🌹
November 29, 2019 @ 11:30 pm
I see my husband being the bird in the baseball cap. “What’s the opposite of fantasy?”
I’d keep my respinse much simpler than the smarty pants bird’s, though. My answer would be, “ME.” 😉
I’m too… I dunno, grounded(?) I guess. Pragmatic. Too “this is real life” to be able to really *do* fantasy of my own accord. Yet, on the other hand, those qualities have often made me an ideal partner for those who seek to enact their own fantasies. Because I’m willing to strip it down and talk about what it really means to want __________. And I have the practicality to figure out how to see it (whatever ‘it’ turns out to be) through. 🙂
November 30, 2019 @ 10:41 am
Thank you for reading / commenting.
Oh, I can imagine that you’re all too real 😁
Reality doesn’t have to be cold and hard compared to fantasy, though I think that for some it’s easier to keep warm and fuzzy in the realm of fantasy rather than compromise in finding how to make it actually work. 🌹🌹
November 28, 2019 @ 7:52 pm
I really enjoyed this ❤
November 28, 2019 @ 8:55 pm
Thank you 🌹
November 28, 2019 @ 6:09 pm
Such an insightful, self aware and honest post, Melody … thanks for sharing what the world of fantasy looks like for you … nj
November 28, 2019 @ 6:36 pm
Thank you, Nora. I know I have a few different triggers that can sound strange to others. 🌹🌹