[F4TFriday] What’s Your Taboo ?
It was an interesting tweet with many replies that Floss put out a few days ago asking what do we consider to be taboo ? There are macro taboos that we agree on as a society. There are micro taboos that could be for smaller communities or very personal.
Thinking about this one I reckoned that I could be fairly generic and end up retreading themes in other posts that they would probably write about a lot better than me.
In which case, why not go for the unexpected and potentially controversial ?
So for a change I’m going to write about sex !! That’s a bit of a shocker since you know I don’t write about sex.
There are many taboos around sex. Mostly cultural and religious that defy rational explanation. Religious authorities have been running scared of the power of sex since before the Talmud was first passed down by word of mouth. Controlling, codifying and strict taboos keep the populace, especially women, subservient.
It’s not these taboos that I’m writing about. I’m diving in to this in a very personal interpretation of taboo sex and what it means to me. I don’t actually expect people to ‘get it’.
Here goes – Sex is a personal taboo.
Some of you will be asking, how can someone so involved with kink and D/s say that sex is a personal taboo ?
Separating the distinct components of this going as far back as the first stirrings of sexual instincts at puberty is something I’ve only recently been able to achieve as it is now filtered through my understanding of asexuality and how it has applied to me.
It never stopped a teenage me from being aroused and horny and finding the joy in masturbation. I found both soft and hard porn (scout masters were something else back then) and the weird thing to realise now is that I took my cues as to what was ‘hot’ and sexually desirable from my peers. I couldn’t make my own frame of reference.
There’s a very subtle distinction in play here that’s important to understand with asexuality. An appreciation of the physical form is perfectly normal as one type of attraction. This does not necessarily / probably equate to sexual attraction and desire for the same person or picture.
Young bodies awash with hormones don’t yet understand, they only know that they don’t have the same sexual feelings and reactions as their bragging peers and it’s impossible to talk about it. All you know is that it’s some kind of social stigma that you can’t put your finger on – talking about sex becomes taboo.
To compound this you realise that everything works physically and that nature has its drives and imperatives in young bodies. You read and hear about sexual attraction and you don’t know what it means, you can’t relate to it. There’s a link missing in the head / imagination. The steamy part of the porn story is met with a disinterested ‘so what ?’ – erotica can become taboo and boring.
An ace (generic term for an asexual) may be eager to pursue a relationship of deep compatibility and affection. The problem arises when the other party wants to go further and assumes that the ace does, too. That the partner needs the intimacy of the relationship to be extended to sexual attraction and activities. The reaction of an ace at this point can range from ambivalence to horror, to anger, to rejection. It will leave the other party even more confused and assuming rejection – relationships become taboo in case they require sex.
Of course there was the odd sexual encounter – I’m full of curiosity. Nothing to shout about and the best way to visualise it is the male equivalent of ‘laying back and thinking of England’. Duty accomplished, as it were – pleasure from sex is taboo.
Finding someone for a relationship where sex is, if not off the menu, only reluctantly engaged in is not easy – the easy path is to give up. And thankfully that’s where D/s came to the rescue.
Exploration of sex can be a mainstay of D/s. However, there are areas of D/s where an ace is comfortable because they do not require sexual attraction or sexual performance, yet can fully satisfy the relationship attraction.
Who can say which unconscious motive was more prominent, asexuality or transgender when my initial D/s kink outlet was exploring chastity.
Since I’ve written about this elsewhere here’s only a short recap of the stages I went through
- Early stage is about taming the natural imperatives. Where delayed and denied orgasm has the mind an uncontrollable mess.
- Learning to function with high levels of sex chemicals swimming around the body
- Finding that the permanent high of the sex chemicals is more addictive than the short-lived pleasure burst of orgasm.
- Sublimating the sexual imperative in to very deep submission.
- Eventually the sexual imperative disappeared and chastity became permanent
Reading this now I see how the asexual me readily jumped at this. I knew from the very beginning that there would never be sexual relations with my mistress and that was so liberating. I know that people reading this will have visions of a celibate monk in his ascetic cell and will tick off all the negatives with a heartfelt cry of “there’s no sex, what do you get out of it ?” What I would encourage them to see is the intense intimacy and sensuality, physical and mental. The relationship attraction that performs sex of the mind as the most active and important erogenous zone.
So let me modify the proposition. What I’m really talking about is that for me it is the physical act of sex characterised by PIV and mutual orgasm that is taboo. But sex is such an all encompassing activity. In D/s I can drown in intimate sensuality or pain that, except for the most puritan definitions, is sex.
Since the chastity relationship ended it’s apparent that the transgender side has taken over from where the chastity left off and the imperatives have changed to reflect that.
At the end of chastity I was probably incapable of functional sex, I can say pretty categorically now that I definitely am. I find it amazing that this is so liberating to me. I’d happily see the removal of that sex organ as it serves no purpose.
Being a transgender asexual sounds complicated, but there’s one simplification. If I ever had gender reassignment surgery, having sex with a vagina would still be taboo.[I unthinkingly searched for an image to highlight my concept of sex as taboo and really wish I hadn’t 🙅♀️🙅♀️🙅♀️]
In my mind, in my head – askmefast19
August 9, 2019 @ 9:00 pm
[…] [F4TFriday] What’s Your Taboo ? – melodyinsights […]
August 8, 2019 @ 7:32 pm
Thank you, this is a wonderful and thought-provoking post. You are so right that asexuality isn’t discussed much in the mainstream. One of the things I especially love about this post is the idea of sex being itself a sexual taboo. Very insightful, and a really interesting discussion. Thanks melody.
August 8, 2019 @ 7:40 pm
JG what a lovely comment. That’s exactly the point that I didn’t think people would get. Thank you 💋
August 8, 2019 @ 9:31 pm
I think you put it very well, melody (possibly more than you give yourself credit for!) It’s an excellent observation, and one that you express really effectively in your writing. I agree it is important to remember that NOT having intercourse/physical or penetrative sex is also a valid part of human sexuality as much as any other form of sexual expression. I absolutely love your post 🌹
August 6, 2019 @ 8:55 pm
Fantastic piece of heartfelt writing. It’s very thought provoking and an insight into the asexual mindset. The trepidation you felt pressing the button was because it was letting another part of you be revealed to the public and I get that completely. Stepping outside our comfort zone occasionally is good for us.
I have an asexual transexual friend and now have just that bit more understanding of him.
August 7, 2019 @ 2:14 am
I hope it has helped you to understand more about your friend, asexuality is hardly mainstream.
Thank you for commenting x
August 6, 2019 @ 12:13 pm
Thank you for this thought provoking post. I am not at the same place you re on the sexual identity spectrum, there is however so much in your post that resonates with me. Perhaps an area I should explore further in a post of my own.
August 6, 2019 @ 12:35 pm
Thank you. If there’s one thing I’ve found in reading other people’s posts it is that you can find resonance in things that you’d never expect. Learning from different perspectives. x
August 6, 2019 @ 1:18 pm
This is so true.
August 3, 2019 @ 8:44 pm
When the topic of Taboo came in to my mind as a possible prompt for F4t I was so surprised it had not been done before – – so by picking it I was really hoping to “let the cat out of the bag” and I think it will – I have read yours and Cal’s and both are fab –
I know you think others may find it difficult to understand and maybe some will but I have faith cause I get what u are saying. Sex is not just PIV – is not mainly PIV – for me I would not orgasm at all (and i know u dont) – but those climaxes would not happen for me without what goes on in my head. Sex happens in my head. That is by far my strongest erogenous zone. And when me and my man are “at it” what ever we do – both of us are happy to play away and not come. Fine.
As to your last sentence regarding feeling liberated. I get that – a sense of freedom I think?
Thanks Melody and so glad Floss and I are providing topics that make u want to write and link up x
August 4, 2019 @ 9:30 am
Thank you, May.
You certainly got me on a train of thought when you picked the topic. Largely this post isn’t about explaining me to the wider world, it’s explaining me to me. Deeper discussions and nuances are best left to gatherings around food and wine.
August 2, 2019 @ 7:40 pm
Thank you for kick starting this week’s F4TFriday with such a great post. I think you took the prompt in a great direction and it made a lot of sense, whilst also being informative and incredibly interesting. Brilliantly done Melody 🙂 x
August 2, 2019 @ 7:52 pm
A bit of trepidation hitting publish, it’s more personal than I’ve been before on this topic and probably so far outside the experience of most readers and posters. However, if I hadn’t gone this route it would have been an anodyne post. I thought I could stir things up a bit. That you didn’t get lost when reading and it made sense to you is gratifying.
Thank you for your work on #F4TFriday. Both you and May keep activity flowing and it’s showing in more people linking.
August 3, 2019 @ 11:43 am
I found this fascinating, it shed light on references you’ve previously made which were shadowy. You explain things so well, but as a regular reader, the way this piece fits in your make-up was also a contributory factor. Well done – brave post as yours often are.
August 3, 2019 @ 11:57 am
Thanks Posy. I don’t expect this one to be understood by many. The concept is too alien and asexuality so far off the radar for this to make sense if you’re not already aware.
Mind you, sex as taboo – hopefully that might get people discussing 😁