For most of my life I’ve asked questions of myself regarding sexuality and gender. I have to admit that for many years I never really understood they were separate questions. Some 25+ years ago I got my first access to the Internet and started to find some answers that I could quite happily live with.
They showed that I had some female leanings and that this was expressed through being an occasional transvestite. For many years I was happy to leave it at that.
Through the prism of time I can see that this was because the male was almost totally ascendant. The female was rarely let out and was easily put back in the box until the next time she was allowed out. This fitted easily in to my male lifestyle, the aggressive pursuit of career and little personal time.
The last 10 years have seen melody solidify and in the last couple of years aided by hypnosis, she has progressed more recently to become physically tangible with her own views, emotions, outlooks, and priorities. The male is no longer the sole arbiter of these and accommodations have to be made.
I could probably have predicted the outcome but it was still fascinating after many years to take several online gender tests. They’re not scientific, they don’t dictate what I want to do or will do. However, they all do show me now to be registering high with gender dysphoria and probably transgendered. Very different to the results I remember 10 or 15 years ago.
It’s a sign of how we evolve over time and experience. I’d always wondered about people coming out late in life as transgendered, asking the obvious question “how did you not know before ?”. Now I do understand.
I’m far from being hung up about this, more that I’m pleased at the validation of what I feel. I’ve no idea what I want to do with this knowledge, even if I want to do anything at all. It’s probably going to be a key part of my next stages of growth, though.
[And before anyone asks, in the chart above I’d currently place myself around #3.]