SwirlingFire: Colour Me Stupid

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Colour Me Stupid

The #F4TFriday prompt #111 asks for words to live by:

“Not my circus, Not my (flying) Monkeys”

For the most part, I don’t have many happy memories as they occurred either side of something unpleasant imprinted in my mind.  Sadly the good parts were blocked along with any unpleasantness.

There are now some better times resurfacing, unfortunately, they’re at the stage of dream recall.  I’m not always sure they really did happen or I imagined them or I read them in a book.  I recently saw someone’s coastal holiday photos of a place I would spend five or six weeks with my family. 

I remembered the beach 💞

Although the pictures were modern day views, not those from my schoolgirl memories, a warm spark ignited, reminding me of some wonderful times that had, until that moment,  been lost for decades.

My thoughts, in my mid twenties, were obliterated  due to negativity, aggression, violence, cruelty, insensitivity etc., etc.,  I subconsciously built massive granite walls around myself to keep the nasties at bay.  That way led to isolation, loneliness and bullying.

My gut reactions were once very powerful.  Rarely was I wrong about somebody’s personality and hidden agenda.

I rarely trusted people.  Unfortunately they almost always proved me right to listen to the initial punch to the gut feelings upon first contact.

It was a talented gift that didn’t bring popularity.  Quite the reverse.  The all seeing eye that called out BS, liars and fakes.  It was glaringly obvious to me.  As though, in my face,  powerful auras of colour surrounded them. 

It stunned me that many couldn’t see what I saw. So very frustrating.

I’ve always been extremely picky whom was allowed into my life to be considered “friendship material”.

I don’t suffer fools, 

I will not tolerate liars

I used to expose, catch and despatch.

On Twitter, it’s easier to unfollow and ‘mute forever’.  I rarely block.  I don’t go looking for Drama.  For some weird reason, I’ve made myself an unwitting easy target.  Abuse finds me.

To those that befriended me in my greatest distress then turned on me – KARMA. 

I must also remind myself that it’s their issues to deal with.  I don’t have to be part of their web.  I must take a step back and remember the following quote, it’s a great “words to live by”, an old Polish saying,

My personality has often been described as FEISTY.  I used to think that was a good thing. I didn’t accept any unprofessional behaviour in the workplace, I mentored my team to bring in successes.  I later learned, it was their polite term for calling me a Bitch.  It backfired on all of us.  I went into overdrive, if they thought I was a Bitch then I may as well be one. A good one.

Needless to say, I really wasn’t a cold icy person.  I was forced to protect myself.  Physically and emotionally.

It was just another defence shield to keep people at arms length.

I was a strong woman in the  business sector, an all male environment.  I was great at my job.  I won awards and prizes.

However, my successes were unknowingly “Pushing patriarchal buttons”, not, as I thought establishing professional corporate boundaries for decency and fair play.  For all. 

In retrospect, this was probably around the time I began to emotionally shut down.  Learning to live in a bubble of comfortably ‘numb’ .

Finding I had to study/work twice as hard as my colleagues, I would go all out to defend my team.  I learned that they would rarely support me in return.  They reaped the financial rewards of my leadership but would try to wriggle out of responsibility, avoid accountability, shirking their part caused disruption and potential failure in the workplace.  I was rarely invited to join them and their socialising.

Lately I find that my old strong gut instincts are raising their presence again. 

I thought, at first, it was anxiety as tummy flutters.  The last few days it’s become noticeably stronger; (proven correct twice during this week of editing this post)

“Always expect to be disappointed, anything good is a bonus”  – a former manager’s pep talk after I’d once again been played by the team.

It’s not an ideal way to view the world but, it definitely kept me safe.

We all enjoy a good DM gossip, for the most part it’s silly giggles and not offensive / malicious / lies. 

Many have shared very private experiences with me.  I believe them.  To find someone that understands your darkest secrets and respects confidentiality is a very rare quality.

I know how frustrating it is when everybody thinks (xyz) is a wonderful human being, except others know differently.

It’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Waiting for everyone to be brought up to speed.

It’s a very uncomfortable position, within which, to find oneself. 

However juicy the information may be, I can only conduct myself the way I’m treated by any individual.  That’s where the difficulty is for me.  Waiting for others to know what I know.  I’ve never repeated anyone else’s confidential cries of the heart.  I certainly never intend to. 

Generally, I give someone enough rope and they’ll hang themselves in their own self tied noose. 

I’m a believer in Karma, although I’m not entirely clear what I’ve done in this life (or others), to attract and continue to be a magnet for some truly horrid moments with a few gutter level people.

That’s the problem with trying to be a good person.  People prove how vile they really are in the background noise, it could set one back to old ways and habits.  Those one thinks are friends could be on a fishing expedition trip.

It’s a concentrated effort for me to remember, firstly to pause, then think of the monkeys in the circus of life and, not rip anybody a secondary arsehole, no matter how much I feel they deserve a dose of home truths. 

There are a lot of sad, miserable, mentally unwell people that spill their anger and putrid decay all over the timelines because they’re hurting. 

Maybe not having anybody to listen and not judge the way judge others, or any real friends in whom they can really confide has made some of us behave these ways.

They could just be inherently selfish and egomaniacs / sociopath from birth and their home life.

Whatever their struggles may be, they should be pitied, offered a kind ear and helped, if safe to do so.

8 Keys to Handling Adult Bullies

I’ve had to start from scratch.  Alone.  Rebuild new foundations, new coping strategies and learn to like myself again after being treated like an afterthought time and time again.

Everything I grew up thinking was how life is for everybody, turned out to be a sham. 

Nothing will ever be the same again.

Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@SwirlingFire 17 June & 6 August 2019

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