SwirlingFire: Glowing Embers
- Mild references to Gaslighting
- Mild references to Sexual Assault
“….. How will you re-engage with counselling ? You have a shit load to say now ! …..”
Another general question that at the time made me smile. And still cheers me.
On a day to day basis I really don’t feel I’ve come that far. Some days are like a mill pond, others are like skating across a frozen lake. Except I’m like Thumper, twirling across the ice on my bottom. Other days I feel like I’m trudging up hill in boots that are too big whilst navigating molten rivers of alternating lava or treacle.
I don’t feel brave.
I don’t feel strong
I don’t feel proud of myself.
Today, I reconsidered how often I have negative thoughts. It’s not as often as I once did. Except about 18 months ago they weren’t my thoughts. They were sneakily slipped into my subconscious by an expert mind wizard. A person that knew all my worst moments in life, then chose instead of supporting and being the friend they claimed to be …. set about starting to dismantle my protective shell. Chipping away at my self confidence and self respect (if I actually had any **) … until all the critical comments this person threw at me, I ended up believing – this is how it sneaks into everyday thoughts.
** On edit – this tiny self-critical comment has found its way into my thoughts/writing. I’m leaving it here as it demonstrates how displaced I currently am… I DO have self respect. My boundaries were pushed and ignored. Without consent. I was Belittled and harassed **
I’ve always been a strong person in the business world. Of that I have no doubt and nor would others that I deal with on a regular basis. They’d never guess what was going on inside my head. Strong and often mistaken for visiting senior management at work sites when, at times, receiving a text from the man would bring Moments of extreme highs, when kind and caring texts that would, within minutes, flip into passive aggressive insults designed to destabilise me.
It’s really difficult to explain my brain chemistry to somebody that has never experienced this type of emotional attack and mental abuse. In a weird way, that many with a sheltered life will never comprehend, if I had to relieve life moments ? Any of my previous physical sexual assaults (yes there have been many) would be preferable to having my mental stability almost destroyed beyond self recognition.
I recently received a comment, in a roundabout way, that if I had self respect then I wouldn’t have been prey to all the different men that assaulted me over the years. It was sub text telling me I was responsible for being touched up in public ? Date/raped. More than once by different men. Raped at a party and I was drunk, ashamed in shock. It’s a bit more complex than that. It’s so much more than not having respect for myself. I think. I’m not going into details as nobody needs to read detailed events, however my thoughts regarding that ‘CIS White’ comment – as I’m led to believe that’s what it was ?? A privileged comment from someone that has had a life free from violence and clearly doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about. Although probably meant kindly, it sent me into a rage. I’ve evolved enough in self realisation that I’m not obligated to respond. In fact I was so angry I needed to step away. This may not sound much. For me? It was a massive improvement on not screaming my frustration into the timelines.
I always had high levels of self respect and my self esteem were never low. Despite the rapes/assaults or whatever twee way you care to reference these life events. It was not until I was dragged into d/s without knowledge of what was going on and not consenting to activities and play and mental games that were enmeshed into making me think I was losing my mind. How there was something wrong with me. My self respect, consent and free will were abused and negated. Only realising once it was too late.
It takes a lot of strength to finally admit someone had the better of you. That someone was so deeply entrenched inside your thoughts that you think it’s true.
This morning I realised I now have mental health issues BECAUSE of him. The Rapes? I’m living with the knowledge of memories beyond my control. Suppressed rape memories are a totally different type of trauma. I would prefer to endure that abuse than the way I now feel inside my own sense of what’s real and true and what was make believe fantasy nonsense of that person. I now understand that I was not to blame.
It’s been posed recently that my “submissive aura“ – although subconscious for decades and unknown to myself until a few years ago, is and possibly has been leaking through into daily life. A “natural submissive”, that there are certain men that seek out and abuse women like me ?? It’s certainly had me thinking for a few days. I’ve often thought I just brought out the badness and all the negative and mean sides of people. It was an astute observation that I wish I’d known whilst in therapy. Is it true? Have I been a natural soft target?
My novice days of submission have been abused. A gift never valued or available to someone that could one day respect and genuinely care for/about ME.
My submission was not freely offered.
My submission was STOLEN by stealth, deception and clever mind games.
@Swirlingfire, 18 December 2018