SwirlingFire: It’s Definitely YOUR Fault
It’s Definitely YOUR Fault
CONTENT NOTICE
References to: Rape, Sexual assault
When reading blogs from professionally paid writers one expects a certain level of responsibility, regardless of personal views. Albeit, their views delivered in a palatable, sensibly reasoned way.
A few days ago I read a blog from a very well known name. It’s been Retweeted and commented upon in several different group threads all over my timeline. I’m not going to cite it as the piece itself was well written. Except for one large paragraph that caught my breath. I’m not butt hurt offended, the writer is entitled to their views upon how certain situations fit within their frame of reference and life experiences.
To quickly and generally set the scene – the writer detailed instances of what society deems to be classed as – beauty, femininity, attractiveness and girly girly. I apologise in advance for not directly quoting as I’m not going back into the piece to read it.
This is about me, NOT the writer or the tweeter or an author of a research piece quoted.
The words stopped me in my tracks and made me want to vomit.
I exited the piece and carried on scrolling, because, it wasn’t addressed to my @. I felt tainted by the piece and wanted to forget all about it. I did for a day. I was busy. Now I continue to see this piece commented upon and retweeted. I must preface by saying, not excusing, that this month has been a rough one.
The axis of the piece was that only attractive, feminine, girly girls get raped. It was padded out and reference highlighted by a comedienne. I heard the original comic piece independently before the writer made reference to the piece and paraphrased, it was delivered in a very different way.
Whenever people of Twitter have taken the time to read my blogs they have, in the main, been understanding and caring. I’m not searching for attention as a massive pity party. The only times I have experienced disrespect has been from women.
One told me – on two separate occasions, what was I doing that made me a target for rapists/sexual assault and what was wrong with me ??
Two other women sub-tweeted me for having a public meltdown as memories returned.
In real life, a woman that introduced me to my date rapist, told me to ‘be more careful next time’.
What the hell is wrong with women ? That jealousy of something so pathetic as the way we dress, in girl clothes, our looks or our femininity or our choice to apply makeup gives them the right to blame us and apportion rape survivor shame and blame ?
[Thread] My boss made a comment today along the line of "I don't get how women can complain about how they get treated when they do shit like this." I turned around and to see what he was talking about, and he was looking at a thumbnail of a profile pic of a woman on LinkedIn.
— Sawyer (@sswyrs) June 14, 2019
People are so quick to tell us to report and go to court (4% of all Rapes are reported. A fraction go to court, of them, in the last few years, most don’t have enough evidence to satisfy crown prosecution)
It’s women blaming other women that makes it hard for us.
The obvious self shame and guilt that this has happened impacts the hardest.
Piled upon the top of thinking we will not be believed, especially if it is well known perpetrators, then prolonged embarrassment of the information being published to follow us around for the rest of our lives. The physical damage heals. The psychological aspects, maybe buried for decades, once they surface are soul destroying.
It’s very easy to judge other women from the alter of “not a bloody clue” looking down from your ivory tower of “you deserve everything (assault) you get!” Its clear they’ve never experienced the debilitating and crippling shame, assuming that’s why we were Sexually Assaulted and Raped. Its taken me a long time to get to a point of accepting your boyfriend, husband, lover, Twitter pal, son, uncle, brother in law, etc didn’t behave this way to you. How does it feel knowing your man has the capacity to assault another woman ? Whose fault is it now ? You for not knowing ? You, for turning a blind eye to a gut instinct or anomaly of his whereabouts or behaviour ? You for not reporting him ? Or still you not being responsible for not questioning him as he has hidden his dark side ?
This week, an award winning blogger tweeting “(woman’s name) deserves everything she gets” really does prove that misogyny is alive and kicking and going nowhere anytime soon
When these women step down off their “high horse” and stoop to question if it’s just possible, whether their man has ever forged ahead without consent, either with themselves or other partners ? Maybe, they or their partners have blamed the victim or used negative talk in public ? Or perhaps either yourself, as a woman, have doubted the validity of the claim – I’m guessing the answers could turn your stomachs, too. This negative, siding with misogynistic outmoded thoughts must stop.
June has been a difficult month.
For those women that have publicly Victim/Survivor shamed us – you should be happy right now. You’re totally safe. If you’re not happy with your looks then you’re so safe from hyper vigilance to being touched up in the train/tube/bus; forget about the creepy taxi drivers, the guys in pubs that may spike your drink, they won’t buy you a drink !?! Not making eye contact with men or women as they obviously won’t be interested in being ‘friends’, walking around supermarkets or public places – no one is staring at you or following you and purposely bumping their trolley into you, or pressing themselves ever closer in the queue to a Venue / in a crowd. You’re free to sail through your day oblivious to the seedier side of life. You lucky girl!
Women, what on earth are you complaining about?
I wouldn’t describe myself as a great beauty with a model figure, far from it. The last few years of extreme psychological abuse have greatly taken their toll on me as an holistic attack. Any attractiveness I once thought I had has long departed.
Sexual assaults are driven by opportunity and power control.
Is a baby or child responsible for looking feminine?
Is a pensioner guilty for being horrifically brutalised because they wore a bit of scent and lipstick to fetch their pension?
Women, some of you, should feel ashamed with the ways you’ve expressed yourself.
So, thank you for telling me, it’s my fault and I’m to blame for being Raped, Sexually assaulted, cat called, touched up, receiving too many advances, harassed in the street in broad daylight, being followed and generally all the men in the world rendered helpless by my charms. I’m a worthless piece of flesh that’s a great Date Rape. Thanks, thanks very much!
Still, at least it’s me and not YOU! Right?!
@Swirlingfire, 12 June 2019
June 29, 2019 @ 12:04 pm
Wow
What an eloquent and articulate thought out response.
I’m overwhelmed by your words.
I’ll pop across to Lexy link to catch up
Thankyou
Best wishes
Swirly 🌻
June 28, 2019 @ 10:39 pm
Very well said 👏👏 I’ve recently had a “comments-section” discussion with The Lexy Experiment https://thelexyexperiment.com/revisiting-reality/ in which we talked about victim-blaming and why a lot of women are as guilty, sometimes even more so than men. Lexy made an excellent point about it being about trying to gain (illusory) control, and I suspect that a big part of the tendency to victim-blame, slut-shame etc, comes from the fear that they could find themselves in the same position. They combat this by creating an imaginary checklist of what would or would not make a woman a “valid target”, and thus they try to assuage their own terror by mistakenly believing that, as long as they don’t behave like “THAT” woman, they’ll be immune. In short, I think it is a fear response.
Thank you for your excellent, and important post. 🙌💜
June 26, 2019 @ 6:16 pm
Far too often this happens 😢
June 26, 2019 @ 6:06 pm
I see you. I believe you.
Another tough read.
I personally don’t ever see how it can be the victim’s fault – whatever the circumstances.