Judgemental vs Moral Compass
A fire is burning so strong inside me that I’m struggling to extinguish the growing flames. I’m unable to direct the heat to those that should hear my words.
It started recently as a comment from a well meant source
“You should seriously consider reporting….. “
It caught me off guard as it wasn’t primarily a reason for the conversation. My former sounding board was mindWizard. I still miss having a confidante for everything. When I’m tired my thoughts turn to him to text/ask something. I’d become so anchored in turning to him for advice, support and moral guidance that I’d never considered that he was ingrained so deep inside my psyche.
he had almost achieved 24/7 power control without my understanding. The damage he has caused has been far worse than the physical damage he has inflicted. his words permanently inked inside my thoughts. I had become so accustomed to his SMS “tell Daddy, that’s my role. This is where I’m best placed to support you” – and while the advice may well have been sound, the motives behind it were so skewed I can’t identify where it began to take a most toxic turn.
Recently I’ve read articles specifying accepting accountability and responsibility for our actions. As a grown up our life is of our own making.
I’m so angry that all I can currently do is place the blame squarely on the shoulders of others. I don’t consciously recall thinking and believing someone was so disgusting and untrustworthy that they would force me against my will to endure moments that continue to return.
I recall recently tweeting that I’d started travelling in taxis again. I didn’t go into details and it doesn’t take a highly intelligent person to figure out why I had stopped. Last Friday I pre-booked a taxi home. From the moment I sat down in the car my stomach flipped. I couldn’t access a sensible reason. I wish I’d jumped straight out again. he proceeded to ask more than the usual exchange. It was invasive, personal and very creepy. I felt I was “over sensitive “ and vomited when I arrived home. I reported the driver to the cab office. A similar experience with a different driver the following day occurred again. This time it was a journey too far. I arrived home, trying to compose myself in front of Mum, feeling nausea and anger and shame for feeling that way again.
The majority of men are unpleasant. Some are better than others at hiding it. All wonderful kind and caring until one says NO to a man.
I’ve judged myself for so many years regarding instances that evolved from saying NO or simply changing my mind to make a date another day. I’ve been judged by many, not one of them are perfect either, many are oblivious as to how they’re perceived by others. Many are bullies with fancy vocabularies and job titles, cliques and posse with powerful FOMO to recognise they should be the leaders not followers. Does this make me judgemental too ? I go off personal experience and what I’ve witnessed first hand. If I get the ‘ick’ factor for someone I feel silly when I’m unable to quantify it. Is this gut reaction returning after being told so many times :-
- You’re Being ridiculous
- Grow up (daddy) wants a grown woman not a silly little girl
- It’s what submissives do
- You’ve misunderstood
- Just accept it – you may enjoy it
- What’s your problem!?!
- It’s just xyz, what’s the big deal?
I could post a barrage of SMS screenshots detailing nastier moments.
One character flaw I will never tolerate are liars. Once I’ve caught someone out I’m cautious. Not the polite fibs of life. The Unnecessary lies when truth is covered up. Never underestimate a woman’s skills to sense blatant BS. Especially from other women. More so on social media. It’s typed for all to see.
Am I guilty of judging others or is my moral compass so finely attuned to true North that I’ve become inflexible (or intolerant) to other people’s low standards?
@Swirlingfire, 10 June 2019