SwirlingFire: Kink and Fetish
Kink and Fetish
I am such a freaky chick.
I get turned on by really odd things.
I hadn’t realised until quite recently what turns me on to someone can also turn me completely off too.
1. Word Play –
That’s one of my “things” – word play as flirting, challenging my mind with words I thought I knew and checking in a dictionary to learn the meanings of fancy words from an articulate mind.
Intelligent people turn me on, not specifically sexual and knicker soaking expectations. Just in simple terms of opening and expanding my mind to new thoughts and viewpoints from the stupidly banal, frivolous and giggly silly moments of budding platonic friendships, but also could possibly be from the past, a person I’m sexually attracted to whilst exploring the early days of compatibility and finding if we fit. Friendship, or at least people that tolerate my warped dark humour and wordplay are those I feel most comfortable with. Romantic friendships are always very hit and miss. One likes the other more or less.
2. Chemistry –
This is more the meeting of minds once we’ve sniffed around each other a bit.
Casual platonic acquaintances, work colleagues, extended social circle friend of friends that’s who I’m drawn to. The people one meets for coffees, lunches, cinema. Fun stuff. People you would like to really learn what makes them tick. A bit of my own life, the universe and everything. Still hoping to find someone that understands the improbability of ‘“42”
I people watch. A lot. Everywhere. It’s how I can decide whether or not they’re my future tribe. I don’t have a tribe of my own. I’ve been periphery surfing to discover a safe rolling wave. I Have encountered more rip tides and tsunami than rolling ocean but that was then “shrug”.
3. Manners (Physical and Table) –
Holding open doors – building and car doors;
Using an indoor voice most of the time; not talking over me and I’ll try my best not to finish sentences that are going around in a jumbled mess for you to finish them and state the point;
Listening to my actual words and not telling me what I mean when I’ve just clearly said;
Perfect use of table ware (cutlery, glasses, passing items)
Eating politely, mouth closed. Not talking with a mouth full of visible food;
Correct cutlery placement, elbows, the difference between a serviette and a napkin;
Attitude towards hospitality staff and attitude towards tipping wait staff etc
Poor table manners are a big turn off – that was a mindWizard Red flag. it was all there, first date nerves and early stage brainwashing had skewed my values.
Behaving like the lady/gentleman one assures they are (generally they’re not) and paying attention to me with the same care I extend to my dining companions.
I’ve often been mesmerised watching a real gentleman eat and drink and talk with (not to) me. Therefore, when playing footsie becomes, electrically charged. I clearly recall the last time this happened.
4. Please and thank you, apologies and forgiveness –
Almost a 3b of sorts. This is somehow more specific.
There have been too many times where my frustration with my returning memories have caused me to express myself in non-directed @ tweets. In turn, the guilty have read into them as passive/aggressive. Highly likely it was never any of their business or actions that sparked my purge – however, perhaps an unconnected memory that had caused shock / surprise to me. My own reaction poorly expressed. When these instances have been drawn to my attention that I’ve unintentionally hurt someone’s feeling – I approach that person directly. Apologise immediately if I know what I did wrong. Even if the apology is not accepted at that stage, I don’t wait weeks and weeks, leaving an atmosphere to fester. Then I try to process the events and take it as an opportunity for growth and personal evolution. More often than not my apology has been accepted and I’m told ‘we’re cool” – except they lied. They weren’t cool. Not with me at least. There have been several people like this. Making assumptions of what they thought I meant.
Too busy showing off in front of their tribe.
I apologised because I thought it was the adult thing to do.
Every single time.
A strong soft block was really the response I should have sent.
It’s taken me the last few weeks of soul searching and re-reading old message exchanges to realise, the misunderstanding was rarely of my making. I’ve always taken the high road to apologise. In the past I couldn’t bear raised voices and confrontational behaviour. I now know where that originated. Several I’ve apologised to didn’t deserve my apology. They’ve gone on to be equally disagreeable / disrespectful of and with others, it’s common knowledge via DM, this is their modus operandi.
Several times this year, I have been more aware of unsolicited comments and behaviour from others I’ve noticed has been either insensitive, thoughtless or totally inappropriate with their attitude towards me, several mansplaining in particular I’ve had to learn this is their issue, not mine. It doesn’t make it any less unpleasant.
We all are deserving of basic respect and courtesy in life – until we prove to one another you’re not our kind. We still don’t need to be offensive or be a fake news spinner. We can simply unfollow on social media or in real life situations, change our personal interactions and boundaries. You don’t owe anybody your response but you don’t have to be vicious and subtweet to show your strength that’s on view as a public weakness.
5. Boundaries …. It’s my current kink.
To clearly state what is permissible and how we like exchanges/friendships to progress.
Of all the times I’ve been made to feel humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, tearful, deliberately triggered by so called friends, verbally assaulted or my so called ‘Twitter buddies’ engaging in an exchange that is actually sub tweeting me, it does make me question how many of you disapprove of having me around and my ‘Integrity kink’. This ‘tolerated in a crowd’ is not new to me. I choose to not respond to many that deserve a good hard dose of reality.
Being honest with me, especially when it’s accurate, will make me respect someone more. I think we can all learn from each other. I generally treat others as they treat me.
You can’t expect forgiveness for misdemeanours or slights if you don’t first seek to make amends.
Unfortunately, not one person that’s been offensive to me or my experiences has ever provided a genuine / unprompted apology to me. Not once.
(authors note – this piece was written in May 2019 when I was processing from two cases of offensive behaviour from so called Twitter pals).
For a community that prides itself on all inclusive / sex and body image positivity and communication, judgemental, insulting comments are still bandied about under cover whilst the subtweeting continues – most of you have had the luxury to ask/negotiate behaviour expected from play/sex partners. For those of us that haven’t been treated kindly within the so called (un) welcoming BDSM ‘community clubhouse’, you’d be shocked by the DM messages I’ve received. On balance, I’d like to hope there are more decent people than the batch that pretended to by my ‘friend/encourage confidante status’. To ‘call out’ these people is not worth my time. I’ve been told many times, this is how these individuals behave. It’s the worst kept secret.
It may have a few disadvantages however, as a bigger picture, it does highlight “them Versus Real people” friendship groups and the chicken pecking order.
For our acquaintances, they still haven’t grasped that actions and comments have consequences. A gross imbalance of unequal expectations and childish bullying when confronted with truth.
We should all acknowledge that we be held accountable and responsible for our behaviours towards others.
We’re surrounded by a sea of continuing double standards, sexual/body shaming – I’ve noticed it’s only shameful if it directly affects us as a reader at that exact time. Yet, if it’s someone else being victimised on the TL then it’s perfectly acceptable to watch them be devoured by the machine as subtweeting with gifs eating popcorn are bandied along several timelines as a huge joke. let’s wait until it’s your turn. It will happen. Eventually.
Whilst you were busy judging others a few skeletons fell out of your wardrobe.
What a freaky little kink you have there, love.
@Swirlingfire, 20 May, 2019
October 3, 2019 @ 2:41 am
Really glad you put up your kinks the way you did. They are almost like ‘Überkinks’ without them, much else would fall apart — like manners. I’m with you. If I go out for dinner with someone and they eat with their mouth open, it kills all desire to get any closer.
October 3, 2019 @ 7:18 pm
I’ve never considered myself kinky let alone “überkinky” – regarding Informed consent etc, if I had real facts I probably would’ve said no to ever meeting #mindWizard. he already fell short of my standards long before he dropped his trousers.
“Manners maketh the Wo/man”
October 3, 2019 @ 12:22 am
I love your five kinks listed here!
I’m sorry that those who have been guilty of insulting and disrespecting you have never apologised. I think your comment “You can’t expect forgiveness for misdemeanours or slights if you don’t first seek to make amends.” is spot on. 🌹
October 3, 2019 @ 7:31 pm
Thank you JG
It’s the main thing that separates us. Knowing you’ve done something wrong and doing something about it or, blaming everyone else and delusionally faultless (Narcissist personality spectrum/disorder)
September 30, 2019 @ 10:02 pm
So here’s the thing. Your kink may not be my kink but your kink is ok with me. Mind you I found myself nodding to a lot of the issues you describe above. Manners and boundaries definitely supersede most else.
October 1, 2019 @ 12:40 pm
One can guarantee, the way I process information, I’m usually the 1 in 100 that sees it from an entirely different angle.
I’m glad some aspects resonated with you.
September 30, 2019 @ 6:58 pm
I am sorry you had to go through the bad things on Twitter. I am one of the lucky ones who haven’t been subtweeted, or if I have, I just haven’t noticed. I love your new kink – boundaries – and I might just have to look into being clearer about my own boundaries too…
October 1, 2019 @ 12:38 pm
Thankyou Rebel 💗
I’m hoping life will start to noticeably improve once I figure it all out. I’m a realistic optimist