Teaching Poker to a Dog
Here’s the thing – I don’t understand this word dominance.
For sure, I know what it means, just as I know all too well what it feels like to be on the receiving end of dominance.
What I mean is that I do not understand what it is to be dominant in a D/s context. I don’t understand the drives behind it and neither do I understand the feelings, pleasures and emotions that a dominant gets from their dominance.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to understand. I’ve had some long conversations with my former mistress where she tries to explain not just how it feels to be dominant in general but also specifically what I brought to the table; what was it about me as a submissive that added to her experience and enjoyment of dominance ?
I like the phrase “it’s like teaching poker to a dog.” You can easily visualise a picture of a dog with it’s head cocked to one side, perhaps an ear flopping – it’s an attentive, if quizzical expression, yet the dog will never understand.
There’s a point in her explanation where she could be telling me that three of a kind beats two pairs and whilst I know the words in my head, I’m not associating them with understood concepts and memories. Quite simply they don’t translate.
And when I hear what excites, gives goosebumps or even a dom/me rush I can never visualise wanting to know it for myself – not even to try. What’s really odd is that I’m someone full of curiosity in so many directions, yet the thought of being curious enough to even try switching leaves me stone cold.
I see, feel or hear the dom/me rush manifesting and I have no internal reference to empathise with it. My former mistress and her giggly excitement from chastity control, still there even after years of me being locked up. Then there’s my current domme, the palpable change in demeanour on first use of the gunge blaster gun I’d brought to the sploshing session. Or, to me even weirder, the almost hyper-excitement at seeing me physically drained after 8 hours in the sleep sack listening to a difficult brainwashing loop. (As an aside, my former mistress also said that to her great surprise she got an immense rush out of keeping someone in sensory deprivation for 8 hours.)
Okay, I might imagine I could use the gunge blaster on another person, but almost nothing else from the dom/mes repertoire is anything I could ever see myself inflicting on another person. I can talk through the merits of a flogger or cane yet my only reference is how it feels applied to me. I know that sounds very self-centred and perhaps that’s one of the absolutions allowed in submission. Where the dom/me allows you to enter that zone of being completely self-centred, indeed they want to take you there for no reason I can actually fathom.
The question of where does the dom/me pleasure comes from is more fully answered when the person concerned is no longer your dominant. It’s rare that I’ll get a direct answer from my current domme – we both enjoy the truthfulness of my spontaneous reactions and direct answers could influence this. Instead I have to pick up on the clues.
Slowly I’m learning that I resonate when I hear and feel her joy in expressing her dominance as she sees it in action reverberating off my submission.
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that the difference between a dom/me and a top was patience. When I became owned I realised that previous experiences were with a top. The dommes I have known have almost infinite patience. Years of patience to exert chastity control and to enjoy it even more, years down the line. The patience to make plans for my D/s evolution and be prepared to spend years waiting for results and getting that dom/me rush with each progression.
Those are additional features of dominance that I appreciate and benefit from as a submissive, yet find too mind boggling to contemplate executing myself, or at least deriving pleasure from doing so.
I doubt I will ever learn to understand the attractions of dominance beyond the abstract.
As a submissive I appreciate those who follow the path of dominance, but I do have to say vive la différence.
Written for the #TellMeAbout prompt “Dominance #8”. Click on the image to read informative posts from across the D/s spectrum.
SoSS #2 - My Favourites of the Week - Deviant Succubus
June 17, 2019 @ 9:25 am
[…] wrote a very interesting post on dominance. What was surprising to me was their discussion of how they can not imagine walking in the shoes of […]
May 26, 2019 @ 3:11 pm
Great piece – honest and educational as ever. The analogy really nails it.
May 26, 2019 @ 3:13 pm
Thank you. It’s a cute picture, eh ? xx
May 26, 2019 @ 1:48 pm
This was a wonderful analogy and makes perfect sense. I see both sides of the coin and you’ve hit the nail on the head!
Ok now that I have the puns out of the way, this was very thoughtful as well. When I began as a submissive many moons ago I would have said something similar. It is quite hard to explain why I can Domme my pet, yet be submissive with my SO.
Thank you Melody, I truly enjoyed reading this piece.
May 26, 2019 @ 2:00 pm
I do like a title and metaphor that gets people thinking, it’s a cute picture, too 😉
I think there’s something special about the divide. I’d love to know what it is that makes my domme feel pleasure so that I could do more of it. And yet, does that make it forced or contrived ? In our dynamic it kind of rests on the honesty of my reactions because I don’t know.
Glad you enjoyed reading, that’s what writing is all about.
May 26, 2019 @ 1:48 pm
I completely understand your POV here…. I don’t know what it feels like and I have no curiosity or desire to know either, which would surprise many people who think they “know” me….
I wish I understood how it feels to MrH, to dissect what he l gets out of it… but he just doesn’t dissect his feelings the way I do lol
May 26, 2019 @ 1:51 pm
Thank you x
I would like to understand, though I wonder if that would reduce the magic ? And it’s odd that for a bunch of people usually so curious that the brain shuts down at this point and just says ‘it’s better as a mystery’.
May 26, 2019 @ 1:53 pm