Thoughts keep swirling into view then out again.
My head aches from too many thoughts.
I’m not a scholarly deep thinker
I’m an over thinker
An over analyser
The last few days (at time of writing) have not been the best. I thought I was doing a lot better. It’s the first meltdown I’ve had in some time. It’s the time of year that likes to kick my arse with memories and long ago important calendar dates. I currently feel a failure as I’ve not reached a point in life, at this particular date, that I was pinning too much hope and positive expectations to reach.
Reaching #365Days of no contact (at time of writing), it was sheer willpower and strength of character to not crack and respond. To make any kindly enquiry in return would be to resurrect a relationship that never existed. Not in the true spirit of the word – A friendship and/or caring respectful relationship between two people. Regardless of it being sexual, casual or long term exclusive.
Today, not so much, untimely reminders of a person I don’t recognise.
I have too much time to people watch and let my thoughts drift to places they should not return.
It’s quite an effort to pull myself back in line and not wallow in events that have long passed.
Those people concerned, responsible for the person I am today, never think of the impact their words and actions have had on me the last few years.
Of all the decisions I could have made, I chose kindness. They almost all led to the wrong path. The road not travelled slipping away, further and further out of reach.
I joke about calling in favours from my kindnesses years ago. Lots of them. People that always take take take, demand and stole my time kindness, empathy, support, long distance travel for abortions, support through work, their bullying, the list never stopped.
Of course, the need to feel worthy, valuable and wanted was at the root of not recognising I never had any workable boundaries.
Where are all those “friends” now ?
I’m sure they’re still behaving like low life gutter waste and pond scum, like they’ve always been. They won’t change.
Their usual shallow selfishness and non refundable attitudes that put me in the mess I’m in now. I’m not saying I didn’t play my part. I’m recalling the exchange was grossly unbalanced. Advantage was taken of my presence. It was not an equal trade.
They were not real friends.
They were not authentic relationships
I understand that.
My strength was also my weakness.
I want the inner Bitch but, now with a conscience back in my life.
I want the inner Bitch with a conscience back in my life.
A strong feisty woman that cut people dead
The woman that can place them in the middle of the bridge and set fire to it whilst they tell their lies, unaware that all I wanted was a true friend and confidante. I was everyone else’s rock. There was never a rock for me. Until mindWizard. Knowing exactly how to win me over and gain my trust. Clever, clever man.
People rarely apologise to me without me spelling it out. For me at least, it’s far too late. No matter how bad things disintegrate around us, apologise immediately. Even if it’s not accepted, if you’re a decent person, say it again after a tiny bit of distance and time. Never let a third person tell you otherwise. Once you deliberately choose to put off saying sorry, I’ve found, it’s an insincere apology, when it finally arrives. Silent treatment is never the correct response. Whomever is the position of right or wrong. Lately, if I’m hurt or upset, I will say to the other person that I need some time to reflect upon what happened. If, at that point they choose to not acknowledge why I’m hurt and/or give me the silent treatment I begin to lose trust.
It’s very much an adrenaline surge for me to not fly into my old defence/coping strategies. It feels like a physical violation yet again.
Since starting to find my voice, I’ll be the first to admit that it’s definitely not without friction.
I know exactly what I want to say, unfortunately, the words become a jumbled mess.
If I could change a few things to get me through the rest of this year and into the next?
It wouldn’t be a big ask. Just one wish.
I’ll only want one phone call, if I had a partner in crime*** ….
” …. Bring a spade and alcohol.
Y’all best bring a sleeping bag too.
Its gonna be a long night…. “
***applications now under consideration.
@Swirlingfire, 20 August 2019