SwirlingFire: Overshare

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Some of us share so much about our private lives without the full knowledge of where and by whom this information is being collated.  For what purpose ?  Who will be able to find us and learn our true identities with a few keystrokes / computer keyboard wizardry ?

We make choices based upon individual circumstances and life stage.  I’m not judging or attributing disapproval to anyone anywhere.  I’m not arrogantly perfect.  What is not right for one could be a perfect scenario for another and vice versa.  Though scrolling the timelines the grass is rarely ever greener.

It’s made my thoughts drift – were my life choices ever really mine ?  Have I been dealt a bad hand by familial connections ?  Badly used and betrayed by unscrupulous malevolent people manipulating my kindness as a weakness ?

I never made the choice to grow up in a “shouty” home.

I was never given the choice whether or not to witness the physical, verbal and emotional abuse between my parents and family members;

I never deliberately or consciously decided to only seek out and date mental abusers, liars, cheats and Rapists;

I never once consented to enter an occasional d/s training (I didn’t know what d /s was when we met), with a mentor that physically took what he wanted without understanding that it included countless abandonments/non-consensual punishment with a “man” who overflowed with depraved indifference, manipulated by deceit.  Devoid of empathy, flagrantly breached my few boundaries then mocking / punishing me for daring to say anything negative, and then show disrespect for me in his sick mental d/s games.

I’ve started to realise that I’ve made another ill thought through decision for myself by sharing extremely sensitive and private details whilst recovering my memories.  It’s a bittersweet regret.

I posted last month that because of severe trust issues that it’s unlikely I’ll ever meet anyone from my time using this social media account.

I’d now like to retract that statement.

That was my ever faithful auto response to pulling the drawbridge back up following my conclusions & reflections of certain life events in 2018.

Not really a surprise to be caught out.  It happens rarely, thank goodness.  I’m used to being treated a certain way.  I never expected it but wasn’t a surprise or worth my time trying to put things right.

It wasn’t worth the investment of time.

Ironically the one commodity I have in bucket loads.  Time.  It’s easy to get tricked into thinking it’s a protective little bubble.  I’ve seen the shady, distasteful side of the timelines versus the real characters in DM.

( I’m making changes in my life to address my time management. I’ve started a University course and #Mothership is starting to need more attention).  I’m more disappointed with myself than others.  Learning to let people ‘in’ against gut feeling.  Going along with pre-arranged plans and uncomfortable with my choice but too late, scared and fearful to back out.

Being involved with social media and by default Into an extended “Twitter kink family” – I often feel like the butt of others jokes, the easy target, the person best avoided, gossiped about and blocked without reason, that unwanted, tag along embarrassing, irritating little sibling or ugly awkward cousin.  Tolerated but not accepted.  On past reflections, I realise I subconsciously caused some of those hostilities towards me and summarily blocked.  In most cases once I understood what I’d done I apologised.  Both on an open timeline and more fully in DM.  Usually accepted but still I’d be blocked.  I hadn’t understood or consciously accepted just how very angry I was with how I’d been treated throughout life.  I had unknowingly begun the process of Grieving. It was unrecognised for some time.  Both by myself and 99% of those whom I communicated.

Whilst writing previous “harsh self evaluating blogs” and having my words set free, have been powerfully cathartic – For me!  I’ve been told for some readers it’s extremely shocking and they’re unable to grasp any resonance or understand.  My writing and using social media as primary outlet has brought clarity that therapy alone hadn’t yet unlocked and wouldn’t ever address.

It’s now brought me to an intense time of realisation and self exploration – I’ve once again, subconsciously alienated myself, this time, from the few good people that have given unconditional support.  No matter how hard I’ve been on myself or my poor memory and I repeat myself whilst wading through thick memory stew.  I’ve never once been judged or dismissed and soft blocked.  These three people have been my Three Pillars.  Understanding kind and caring. I’ve done my best to reciprocate where and when I’ve been able to do so.

Whilst many of you regularly meet each other, I’m in envy.  At worst having only shared your fetish/kink/sexual explorations and explicit selfies.  On meeting you know what each other’s arse looks like.  It’s fun and you’re both on an even playing field.  As a bigger picture, we only know about how each other views their sexual /experimental journey /body image.  The full mental machinations of what moulded and shaped us and the more unsavoury life experiences are rarely revealed.  I sometimes feel I’ve backed myself into a corner by revealing too much.  Alienating myself further.

“……I think we are always surprised and sometimes shocked at what goes on in people’s lives.  The image we present to the world is often so far removed from what we are…….” Twitter followers quote from DM – with permission

I’ve opened up in ways that are, by the very nature of topic, extremely sensitive, embarrassing, humiliating and shows how poor my past judgement and non self awareness of my younger self & sexual allure to predatory men had become.

I’m so incredibly humbled and gratefully appreciative of the very few I’ve trusted through social media (with so much more than is posted and will never see daylight).

I now feel I’ve unintentionally trapped in myself in a SwirlStorm of vulnerability that one rarely, if ever would ever learn of this type of information when meeting new people on the basis of new friendships.

Nobody in my real life knows anything about me.

I’d like new friendships.

I want fresh starts with a clean slate.  Except now, by anonymously sharing, my life has made me “untouchable“

I’m too ashamed to meet Twitter buddies.
I don’t know how to make that next step.


Swirlingfire: A Posting History

@Swirlingfire, 21 January 2019