SwirlingFire: Rewarded with Punishments
Rewarded with Punishments
My introduction to BDSM and d/s was not a straightforward or ethically healthy and open way to learn.
Originally, this prompt was spawned from memories of enjoying CP, daddy’s belt, caning as positive attention and showing his pleasure towards me. I had read several blogs of other submissives and noted time after time, the things that other S types disliked were used to punish them, yet I enjoyed & was given CP within minutes of arriving at his home. No chat, no cuppa, no time to visit the bathroom, no consent. It’s how it was “to serve”.
This was all explained that “it’s okay to want these things”. I never needed to ask or discuss the activities that made “daddy” happy. he would take exactly what he wanted.
Naturally, if he were unhappy (not with me but because one of many others of you had turned him down or weren’t available / playing games) then I would be punished indirectly. Cancelled weekends, treated like a Worthless piece of flesh and the magical Silent Treatment game.
Further abuse came from online dm slides at my most vulnerable whilst trying to understand what the hell was going on. Two people accepting my request to mentor / ethically guide me into healthy practices and safety. Their first opportunity to advise me was shown as public humiliation by posting many subtweets, vicious comments and zero direct contact.
Fortunately, they moved on to be the great pretenders and victims elsewhere.
Rewards and punishments should, I think, be part and parcel of a mutually respected and agreed liaison. I’ve never had that.
I have never once claimed to have been in a loving, exclusive relationship with mindWizard. In fact, he maintained he was Poly. Unfortunately, many of you thought you were exclusive. Nope. You’re all constantly riding his carousel of fillies.
I was NEVER allowed to reference my link to his name, it was “our secret”, or use the words “relationship” and “dynamic” because I would be verbally abused.
Yet, in spite of these assaults, my brain chemistry had attached to him in a very unhealthy way that this was the way an older man, my mentor and trainer, told me “… this is how you learn to be a good submissive. Not forever challenging me …”
And thus the cycle was formed. I would be rewarded with my tasks acknowledged within the same 24 hour period. If he were having a good day. I would be rewarded with an “hello/GM” with a response within 5 hours if a GM text, usually by 2pm if I was a very lucky girl. After all the notifications, threads and dm by his new targeted set of wet willing holes had been flirtingly moistened.
Once you accept his behaviour, you drop down the “challenge and chase” radar. Basically. You’re just another set of holes. You could be anybody. You’re treated like a nobody.
I much later learnt, after many many women arrived/discarded that the things he did to me, without any pre-agreement or debriefing, were, most likely, sadistic venting. Experienced submissives recognised his dangerous games ?
My punishment for believing he was decent ? Abandoned at the train station car park whilst he sexted other women and I was left starting to “drop”, yet didn’t know that was happening. Not once did he wait on the platform with me. I did receive some of your sexts in error though. Thanks for that. If this was poly it was disgustingly cheap and tawdry.
I was also restricted in my Twitter contact of following other d types.
My first “task”, many of which were routinely ignored on completion, was “… You must promise to never read 50SOG series …”
I never did. I still haven’t. I now don’t need to read about that behaviour. A book of my own life experiences of his rapey behaviour would be far more realistic.
That set of fictional books are probably closest to mW abusive/coercive control ? Except without youth, helicopters and multi billion pound income and access to high tech spy surveillance kit. Hardly surprising I wasn’t allowed to read his handbook ?
I later guessed he was lining up the next easily manipulated female brains to break in over the next few days. Hell, possibly at the train station car park he’d discarded me to meet the next Bambi off the train.
Now I’m confused about reward / punishment
- him – for always taking what he wanted without consent?
- Me – for accepting blindly just how damaged his practices still are ?
he will never be ethical.
The hardest thing I have ever done and, even almost 18 months on…..I had to consciously make myself sever all contact.
My Days shift from thoughts of Shame, Guilt, confusion, self blame, anger, angst, tearful moments and back to anger.
Whichever way you weigh it up – whomever is “involved” with mW – You will always be punished.
You just won’t realise its happening until it’s too late.
Much too late.
Swirlingfire: A Posting History
@SwirlingFire 3 December 2019
December 16, 2019 @ 9:20 am
Oh Cat, that sounds dreadful.
You did eventually move through and beyond to a good husband. thank Goodness
mW ripped open chasms so deep into my past, then laughed as he stamped on my fingers gripping the edge, pushed me into the abyss then left me alone.
December 16, 2019 @ 1:56 am
He sounds like a total a-hole.
I remember being involved with someone similar but not in a BDSM relationship. He was just selfish prick. He would never take me out in public but would make a scene at my apartment building about how much he loved me. I thought my hurt feelings would never heal and my broken heart never mend but years and years later he is now a vague memory. My satisfaction is now knowing that he is alone & miserable.
I know you are a strong woman and with time he will be a distant memory and you will heal.
Thanks for the prompt suggestion.
December 14, 2019 @ 4:20 pm
Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. It’s not easy to see at the time and I am so sorry you were subject to this dick heads whims. Thank you for sharing ❤
December 15, 2019 @ 6:01 pm
Unfortunately these people are living life without conscience a d free to continue their cycles if abuse.
I’m exhausted by my own memories. I’m wondering if all you kind readers are eye rolling at the ridicule I’ve become 🤷♀️
December 16, 2019 @ 6:34 am
I can’t speak for everyone SF, but I do not find your experiences ridiculous. I can understand why they mentally drain you. You were abused plain and simple and that takes some processing xx
December 14, 2019 @ 3:49 pm
Oh my god, reading all of this I was sort of holding my heart as it sounds so scary to me. I am so afraid of anyone abandoning me like that or ignoring me and I am so sorry you had to go through that and didn’t really know better, so to say. It’s not okay for anyone to do this and I’m so happy that you have been able to cut all ties in the end. It’s very important that you wrote about this, as it could help someone else one day.
December 15, 2019 @ 5:21 pm
I’ve tried to “disconnect” from the reality of the moments described, to the best of my recovered memories. It’s the hardest part of recovery, learning to accept responsibility for sexual abuse was not mine.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting
December 15, 2019 @ 5:43 pm
I can imagine that it is. Like I keep on going back to feelings of guilt for my depression, while it’s not my fault I suffer from a mental illness and I imagine for you, that feeling must have been or must be even stronger and harder to overcome