The Hero Is The Villain
My mind is awash with swirling thoughts crashing into each other and not having anywhere to safely stow them whilst I’m processing the dozen other thoughts that were already crashing together inside my head.
Sensory overload is a documented state. Only once my thoughts have calmed down to a gentler slower movement am I able to document them.
Today I have too many thoughts with too many ideas for blog posts and I’m not sure which ones to write first.
I’m fortunate that I’ve not experienced a time, yet, that I’ve not been able to write. Although I’m not a professional writer so it’s probably nothing like that anyway. Is it?
I’m still very aware my blog posts leave out far more details than could be included for reasons of my personal sanity and current well being, away from the likely verbal brutality if ‘mindWizard’ were to find my blogs and come after me. That threat is still very real. Irrespective of my anonymity here.
At this moment in time , the coffee shop has a psychology student studying for year end finals (we had a little chat) and opposite me a table of 7 lively youngsters approximately 18 years old. Well behaved, laughing chatting and giggling. I wish I could roll back time and be part of that group. They have their whole lives ahead of them. They’re sat with friends in blissful ignorance how life and fortune can be taken away in the flip of a coin and within a minute of walking along a street. My teenage years were snatched away. Although I hadn’t realised it at the time. It took many many years to connect all the blanks (real blockages and erased events in the memory bank). It’s only been the last two years that everything has decided to elbow it’s way back into my consciousness, ,unleashed after an unfortunate misunderstanding (SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear), like an unauthorised, unlawful exhumation. Casting stinking ghoulish shadows and the putrefying stench of its reach into my psyche. The only way to escape it is to confront it, listen to myself retrieve details, grieve for the lost life and healthily close that chapter. Onto the next chapter of life experiences.
Some days I feel like I’m looking at a shelf of ‘ the Encyclopedia Britannica’. Many of us grew up with the free “A” volume (B.I. – Before Internet). That’s where my life stopped and I learnt to exist and develop all kinds of unusual subconscious coping strategies.
My downfall in growing up was that I never had access to the other 25 volumes to learn life lessons because I was too adept at avoiding close personal friendships and romantic relationships. When anyone managed to get too close I would keep them at arms distance. Eventually pushing them away. Maybe I was “ghosting” people decades ago?
My life is a blessing and a curse. I wonder what it’s like for my counterpart in my parallel life. I’d gladly swap in a heartbeat. There’s nothing left for me on this plane. I’d love just one wish in life. I’m not greedy for three wishes. To return to pre-adolescence and be more aware of others’ hidden agenda and the long term repercussions of my innocent choices. That’s too big a wish, and who’s to say that would have significantly changed my life map ? Looking for friendship, acceptance, approval and love in all the wrong places. I’m not the first and definitely one of millions with similar moments to recount.
It’s all very well to say we’re responsible for our actions when we’re adults. At those times I wasn’t an independent healthy adult. (Childhood had a massive imprint upon me that I never knew wasn’t the same as everybody else’s home life). The ones that crashed my orbit were supposedly responsible adults.
How are you meant to reconcile actions and consequences when your Hero is also The Villain?
Was that my responsibility?
Was that ultimately my fault for not recognising subtle shifts?
I must now learn to recalibrate every single thought, pattern of response and action from here forward.
I’m learning to express myself but still sometimes miss the mark.
Recently I think I’ve experienced a few instances of Wo/Mansplaining. Now I choose to disengage. Just over 8 months ago I would have ripped someone a second arsehole for telling me
“what you’re saying is….. “.
- Now I’m more aware and refrain directing energy to further explain myself/my meaning in different phrases. It does leave a residue of ‘did I just cause that ? Did I actually mean that ?’ Mainly due to being made to doubt the truth and my own reality after several years of an extremely expert and well practised subtle #gaslighting “friend/mentor”.
I was very recently tested to the extreme. I was told because I’d shared DM moments with a selected few and blogged about recently retrieved memories that it was presumed they had full entitlement to ask specifics regarding certain events.
I was saddened
Maybe I was over sensitive
I chose not to respond
Waiting for a genuine apology that never properly arrived and then swiftly retracted by being told I’d “misunderstood the request” and was treated to low level Gaslighting. This is currently ‘la mot de jour’ – believe me, it’s not a word used lightly by myself or from those that have fallen foul of this clever little mind game.
I hadn’t misunderstood.
A new friendship had crossed the line.
I’m trying to make new boundaries for myself – I guess we can’t factor ‘insensitive stupidity”?
Time will tell if I’m able to save myself and be the ultimate Heroine of this story
@Swirlingfire, 11 April 2019
Originally intended, but not used for the #WickedWednesday prompt #370 of “Betrayal”.
#sb4mh“, #MentalHealthMonday. Why not go check out other posts.