The Path To Despair

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Content Notice: 

Suicide and suicidal thoughts.

 

I’ll categorically state here that this is not a cry for help.  It’s a place to dump when there’s that realisation that things are not okay.  The best way for me to handle that right now is to take a break from the shit and purge some thoughts.  If I were you, I wouldn’t read any further.

I’ve recognised for a few weeks that I’m in that teetering mode, where you look to one side and see the dark chasm inviting you to jump into it and try to steer your course away from it.

It started so well

As often seems to be the case when stuff hits, it all seemed to be going quite well.  Earlier this week I had a wonderful day visiting my domme for a CP session.  It absolutely wrung me out in a very good way.  Of course, you do pay for that when the drop hits, but it’s something I’m used to and know how to cope with.

Or at least, I usually do cope with it.  Where it can turn to mush is that it can leave me vulnerable for a couple of days to external forces.

If there’s one person who can pick exactly the most vulnerable time, it is the boss.  He’s a natural bully.  Generally it’s easy to deflect and cope.  In times of vulnerability it’s hard to ignore and it can set off the slide down the slope.

I can almost physically feel that slide as the feet scrabble for grip.  So yes, I’m not happy to feel the onset of anxiety, depression and passive suicidal thoughts (thanks to DeviantSuccubus for that phrase to indicate non-dangerous thoughts).  He’s not the actual cause of this, but at the wrong moment he can be a contributory factor in triggering or deepening their onset.

A Fresh Kicker

I’ve spent all weekend working.  I know it won’t be enough to shut the boss up, though it might reduce the extra stimulus he could apply to the downward spiral.  At some point this morning I saw a tweet that was very out of character for this person, they had been forcefully struck by something they had just read.

There’s no way to be delicate about this.  It was a time delayed blog post and tweet containing a suicide note.

I read the post and it was chilling.  Out of a long list of reasons for this person wanting to end their life, I identified quite closely with about half of them.  Particularly, those related to gender dysphoria.  This is not to say that I wanted to follow in this person’s footsteps, just that I clearly saw what their despair was about and how they arrived there.  I have many of the same feelings and emotions about some of those listed topics, the only difference is that I haven’t run into the brick wall with them.  In several things they wrote I could easily see that with a bit more pressure here, a little less control there and I would be close to making the same step.  One step is not really an issue, it’s when they follow one after the other in a head long descent that I couldn’t fully see myself following.

Whether it was good for me to read that in my current vulnerability, I don’t know.  It set me thinking as I read through moistened eyes.

No Happy Ending

Having read the post a few times I went down the Twitter thread.  Yesterday this person walked in front of train and ended their life.

For a brief time in reading that blog I had a distinct connection with this person I never knew and their suffering.

It leaves me with a question.  Is there a point where the dead ends and despairs turn the passive thoughts into active ones ?  And if I ever reached that point, would I even care by then ?

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