SwirlingFire: Swirly’s Grand Day Out
Swirly’s Grand Day Out
Born October 2016, a caged bird – released, broken, dull feathers, betraying a breath that was almost extinguished. Parallel similarities to the mythical Phoenix. From flames comes death (you google it) to a pile of Ashes. The time between fully destroyed and dormant, until tiny glowing embers caught on the wind, enough to repeat the process once more. The difference was – that wasn’t quite ‘me’.
My fire had been gradually stolen. Time after time after time. My beautiful golden plumage, granting wishes and favours for others and receiving very little in return, often hoped for, but never received in the form of appreciative kindness and inclusion.
Once those beautiful feathers had been taken, the fragile bird was left, as always, alone and unwanted, as She was no longer of any use to anybody.
And that was exactly how I felt.
- Drained, depleted of all energy.
- I had nothing left to give.
- I was superfluous and no longer wanted.
That’s how I crash landed onto Twitter. Angry, hurt, frustrated with life and everybody in it. Mentally abused, physically damaged and finally discarded once the bloom of ‘innocent firsts’ had been tricked from me. Taken without consent, by an experienced, charming, older man who has been part of the BDSM scene for ten years or more (I really don’t know what if anything he ever told me is/was true/factual).
I’m still not sure who I was, no idea whom I was destined to become and clueless understanding who I was and rarely allowing many people access to hitch along for the ride. Longing to find mutually friendly and supportive companions.
When you’re used to being lied to, it takes a steel resolve to allow new people into your space. I don’t do this lightly. I don’t take people on face value. I assume most are chancers, fakes, users and deceivers. That’s all I know about people that have come into my life before I finally dispatch them – pushed away until they are left standing, dead centre upon that burning bridge.
Once I’ve learnt that I’ve been lied to or betrayed. That’s it. No second chances. You’re dead to me …. well, that’s how I used to be. Machine gun attack. Now I realise I wasn’t tolerant to other people’s personality defects. I didn’t understand that it WASN’T my fault. I realise now, I didn’t have any boundaries, people treated me as though I were a Bitch. So I behaved like one. Now (July 2019) I’m learning and evolving. Others don’t reflect on their actions. They generally lay blame elsewhere. Never evolving and never learning or growing … They’re not my responsibility to fix.
Fast forward to this month (June 2019).
I’ve now met two people from Twitter.
Both have been around almost from the very start.
I rarely follow first.
My timeline, in the beginning, an online diary purge.
Raw, violent, threads of inconsolable frustration.
I was in the depths of Grieving.
I’d not yet recognised the process and stages.
Thank goodness both these people could read the truth between the words, recognise signs of grief and my pain bleeding upon the timelines.
They didn’t harass me as I fell into an imploding online meltdown.
They recognised my life behind the written hemorrhages.
And so, last week. I clutched my advance saver Train ticket to Paddington.
I was a little nervous stepping off the train.
All the usual thoughts, concerns and excited trepidation.
People that know far more about me than the timelines.
Kindred spirits that understood the causes that belied the strength needed to dry tears and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I was more nervous of myself than them. What if they disliked me on sight ? A fraction of the awful things that I’ve experienced still much unshared with anybody anywhere, hidden in part of my life that they already knew. All my timeline silliness masking the deep inconsolable pain. The razor sharp humour and dry wit. It could only go two ways. What if they didn’t like me in the flesh ? I’ve accidentally turned people against me because I’ve not agreed with their ways or nasty comments, yet I’ve always been painted the bad person.
I’m the one at fault.
I had the most wonderful day of giggling, snort laughing and filling in the blanks of anonymity, being taken at face value for who I am.
They saw my face. A massive gesture and gift of trust from myself to them.
I initiated both separate meet ups. I would never have dreamed of doing this 12 months ago.
It was the perfect day
Thank you to you both
(I’ve not mentioned names as their privacy is paramount too. If they wish to share then, with my permission, that is their choice, not mine to decide)
There are quite a few people I would dearly like to meet, one day. Whether they choose to reciprocate is unknown.
@Swirlingfire, 19 June 2019
August 8, 2019 @ 10:25 am
Love to you, Swirly!
August 4, 2019 @ 9:58 am
Thankyou so very much for taking time to comment.
I’m still amazed people read and relate to my thoughts.
I’ve made one good friend in real life from it for which it was worth taking that leap
August 4, 2019 @ 8:23 am
This is such a powerful post, thank you for sharing it.
It can be incredibly scary meeting new people and I’m so glad you took the leap and have made such good friendship through twitter.
August 1, 2019 @ 12:45 pm
Thankyou for finding time to comment.
I appreciate it.
It was a great day.
One person has now become a close friend for real. The other person has drifted away.
It was terrifying in that I’ve overshared my past to strangers. Initially, Never intending to meet.
I’m still glad I took the risk.
July 31, 2019 @ 6:13 pm
This is such a powerful post. I have met a few people from Twitter and shared pieces of myself with others. It’s terrifying. I’m so glad that yours went so well.
July 28, 2019 @ 11:41 am
Thankyou so much for reading my happy post.
It was very nerve wracking for so many reasons
July 27, 2019 @ 7:18 pm
Well done, Swirly for finding the bravery to get out there. It’s a scary thing, but you did it, and I’m so glad you had a great time 👍🌹
July 27, 2019 @ 1:35 pm
It was a massive departure for me to write “happy”
I’m not akways a miserable depressed joy sapping wretch ,)
July 27, 2019 @ 11:44 am
Lovely post and so happy you had a great experience meeting these tweeter – I have met a few too and enjoyed it – and I so agree with “shout out to everybody who is exactly as they say they are” – I think I am in that shout out 😉
July 27, 2019 @ 10:26 am
As “Editor” I don’t as a rule comment on Swirly’s posts. Our back and forth discussions to publish a post have usually covered everything.
I’ve been eagerly waiting to publish this post as it’s been sat in the drafts folder for a while waiting it’s turn behind some serious posts. I remember the day concerned very well, the somewhat apprehensive DMs whilst she was on the train turning to joy as the day got better and better.
Swirly’s body of work published here can be tough to read, there’s a lot of pain in her words. In private I get to see the fun side of Swirly, as do some of her other DM peers. I’m really quite excited to see this post live as it shows her audience extra dimensions they may have suspected but not seen before.
I look forward to being able to publish posts about more happy encounters and perhaps be one of them, myself.
July 27, 2019 @ 11:15 am
It’s highly unlikely I would have reached this point without your calming influence, pulling me sharply back on the reins, guidance and non judgemental character.
Many of your peers must have seriously doubted your sanity when you extended the invitation to host my words.
It was a massive departure to write this post.
I’ve changed in several ways that many will never know or give me credit for rebirth.
I’d like to look back and smile that this post has been a significant pivotal change for my private life.
Much love and Respect
July 27, 2019 @ 11:18 am
I will be checking advance train tickets soon 💋
November 20, 2020 @ 9:37 pm
Update Winter 2020
Unfortunately, this post and meeting one person proved to remind me to keep my guard up.
I was monumentally “played”. Sadly, that person was the polar opposite to whom they pretended to be to me.
I made a massive mistake. My gut feelings after that day were proven very quickly
We can’t all be friends with each other.
Not everyone has manipulative agendas.
Retrospectively, as hurtful as that person was to me, although They regularly flip the narrative to position themselves as heavily victimised (from my personal experiences with them),
I’m still glad I met them.
I wouldn’t have seen their inner ugly without the very quick drink at Paddington Train Station.
I blamed myself for their silent treatment for a very long time until they showed me in Autumn 2019, less than 6 months after meeting who they really are.
Of the two people I met that day? I’m overwhelmed by continued friendship – if it weren’t for coVid19 lockdown in the UK, we definitely would have met up several times by now