The Path To Despair
Suicide and suicidal thoughts.
I’ll categorically state here that this is not a cry for help. It’s a place to dump when there’s that realisation that things are not okay. The best way for me to handle that right now is to take a break from the shit and purge some thoughts. If I were you, I wouldn’t read any further.
I’ve recognised for a few weeks that I’m in that teetering mode, where you look to one side and see the dark chasm inviting you to jump into it and try to steer your course away from it.
It started so well
As often seems to be the case when stuff hits, it all seemed to be going quite well. Earlier this week I had a wonderful day visiting my domme for a CP session. It absolutely wrung me out in a very good way. Of course, you do pay for that when the drop hits, but it’s something I’m used to and know how to cope with.
Or at least, I usually do cope with it. Where it can turn to mush is that it can leave me vulnerable for a couple of days to external forces.
If there’s one person who can pick exactly the most vulnerable time, it is the boss. He’s a natural bully. Generally it’s easy to deflect and cope. In times of vulnerability it’s hard to ignore and it can set off the slide down the slope.
I can almost physically feel that slide as the feet scrabble for grip. So yes, I’m not happy to feel the onset of anxiety, depression and passive suicidal thoughts (thanks to DeviantSuccubus for that phrase to indicate non-dangerous thoughts). He’s not the actual cause of this, but at the wrong moment he can be a contributory factor in triggering or deepening their onset.
A Fresh Kicker
I’ve spent all weekend working. I know it won’t be enough to shut the boss up, though it might reduce the extra stimulus he could apply to the downward spiral. At some point this morning I saw a tweet that was very out of character for this person, they had been forcefully struck by something they had just read.
There’s no way to be delicate about this. It was a time delayed blog post and tweet containing a suicide note.
I read the post and it was chilling. Out of a long list of reasons for this person wanting to end their life, I identified quite closely with about half of them. Particularly, those related to gender dysphoria. This is not to say that I wanted to follow in this person’s footsteps, just that I clearly saw what their despair was about and how they arrived there. I have many of the same feelings and emotions about some of those listed topics, the only difference is that I haven’t run into the brick wall with them. In several things they wrote I could easily see that with a bit more pressure here, a little less control there and I would be close to making the same step. One step is not really an issue, it’s when they follow one after the other in a head long descent that I couldn’t fully see myself following.
Whether it was good for me to read that in my current vulnerability, I don’t know. It set me thinking as I read through moistened eyes.
No Happy Ending
Having read the post a few times I went down the Twitter thread. Yesterday this person walked in front of train and ended their life.
For a brief time in reading that blog I had a distinct connection with this person I never knew and their suffering.
It leaves me with a question. Is there a point where the dead ends and despairs turn the passive thoughts into active ones ? And if I ever reached that point, would I even care by then ?
February 26, 2020 @ 11:05 am
I’m sorry that you are struggling. It is good that you can vent these feelings here- it is important to have an outlet. 💐
February 26, 2020 @ 12:31 pm
Thank you, JG.
I guess that it is the result of blogging for a couple of years now to feel comfortable that this is my space that I can use it however I want. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate that people like yourself read and comment, I really do. Once in a while it helps to just write for myself.
February 19, 2020 @ 1:02 pm
I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, but it’s good that you feel this is a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. I hope things improve for you.
February 19, 2020 @ 3:47 pm
Thank you, Marie. Blogs serve all sorts of purposes. In this case it’s a bit of a selfish one – when I wrote the post I wasn’t aware of sharing with anyone but myself because it does feel to be a safe place.
Things will improve (especially with a lottery jackpot). I do hope things improve for you, too 🌹🌹
February 18, 2020 @ 6:07 pm
You must have written this after I messaged u the other day – I missed it cause I did have u on instant notifications but when your blog went weird a while back I turned them off waiting for u to remedy it – and yeah – didn’t turn them back on.
I know it is not a cry for help and I just hope u go forward – I do understand those last few lines. Wishing u well my friend x
February 18, 2020 @ 6:26 pm
Yes, I think I came across that blog post and Twitter thread a bit after we exchanged the other day. For a post I gave no publicity to it’s had far more views than I would ever have expected. I wrote it for me without any other audience in mind. Something I can go back to when I need to.
From your own writing I know that you would understand that last segment. I never knew that person yet they posed so many questions that I find relevant. Staring at some of my potential answers to those questions isn’t a great feeling.
Thank you for reaching out, it was much appreciated. Sometimes we can feel invisible and the prod that says “I see you” is the best of them all.
February 18, 2020 @ 7:39 pm
U are often on my mind! Feel a song coming on 😉
February 16, 2020 @ 5:20 pm
I’m glad you can pour these emotions out here. I can relate to some of the things you’re writing here and I’m hoping you’ll feel a bit better soon.
February 16, 2020 @ 5:33 pm
Thank you Marie-Louise. I’m learning that writing is better than bottling it all in. Much of it is brand new baggage that melody brought with her that I never needed to deal with before 🌹🌹