That late teen rite of passage, the first visits to a nightclub. I’ve no fond memories of it. I recall migrating to a dark corner nursing a pint glass and surveying what was going on around me. The deafening sound system, the delight in abandon so apparent in everyone, the drinking to oblivion.
And I didn’t get it. Everyone else seemed to be having fun and I couldn’t see the point in it. I knew I looked at the world differently to my peers and this reinforced it, I was an outsider. I never kept in touch with a single one of them.
What’s this got to do with sex and sexuality ?
Sex !! I have a strange relationship with it summed up by the passage above. “Everyone else seemed to be having fun and I couldn’t see the point in it.”
Of course I was subject to the usual male biological imperatives, though never the perpetually randy git that so many seemed to be. Back then, sexuality was most definitely a binary thing. Either you were heterosexual, or you weren’t. Given the autonomic reactions to erotic and sexual stimuli, I had no idea of being anything other than heterosexual.
Sex itself was not something I was greatly interested in. The orgasm was the end result of a journey and it was the journey I wanted to last forever rather than reaching the destination. Intimacy, eroticism, romance and companionship being the important elements. Intense physical and mental arousal destroyed for the few seconds of orgasm.
In retrospect, this is probably why chastity became such a fascination. It’s the ultimate way of prolonging the journey. At least at first it is sexually highly erotic and an oddly shared intimacy. For virtually every male initially exploring chastity it is not about abstinence, it is about delay and deferred gratification. It’s also about having a keyholder (usually female) guiding that delay, building and playing on the arousal. It’s easy for it to all go wrong at this stage and have the male storm off in a tantrum when he doesn’t want to delay gratification any longer. For those who work through that, the dependency on the keyholder grows, he’s more pliable and chastity starts to become more about mental control than physical.
It has to be about the mental control, both that by the keyholder and by the sub himself, because the hidden secret about most chastity devices is that they can be removed in under 30 seconds. They might be destroyed in doing so, but the sub can easily get out. So the mental control and discipline is for the sub to continue suffering ‘unbearable’ feelings in the knowledge he has an out at any time he wants. That’s when chastity turns from a tease and denial game to an actual path of submission. The desire to suffer being greater than the biological need.
And yes, that biological need can be intense beyond belief. Erections, or attempted erections in a chastity device can be agonising. The constant feeling that just a few seconds of proper stimulation will bring orgasm and that stimulation is made impossible by a few millimetres of hard material. That point after a few weeks where there’s no further room inside the body for storing seminal fluid. The body still produces it and with nowhere to go it leaks what some call ‘the tears of chastity’.
Chastity and the sissy label can become closely intertwined, though not invariably. So in making a nod to the sissy labels I modified my identified sexuality as bi-curious, largely because it was expected.
Long term chastity really does change the mind and body. The first part is when the mind learns to control the arousal functions in response to them being painful. Full control is when it can do so unconsciously for nocturnal arousal and erections. The body’s need for sleep is a great trainer, reaching a full night of sleep undisturbed by pain is a glorious thing.
For me, the process of long term chastity removed the last vestige of the primitive hindbrain’s interest in sex and orgasm. Even when the relationship ended I never considered wanting or needing those things to return.
I’ve had a lot of clearing out of mental clutter in the course of understanding that much of these past actions are easily explainable in light of being transgendered. My domme asked a key question that resulted in answering what my sexuality is. Not just is, but always has been.
So, if you think it has any relevancy – I’m asexual.