I looked at this week’s prompt for #WickedWednesday of “fear” and thought it would be a good topic.
After 4 or 5 abortive attempts I find that I can’t write on it.
I’ve failed in the original intent, but I think the abrupt change in direction leaves what’s left as more valid than what I first had on my mind, even if it is rather gloomy. So I’m posting it anyway.
Yes, I could happily extol on the odd personal terror during early kink exploration and the elements of fear play within a consensual environment. And as to why, where I am now, there is no fear in a D/s context.
However, every time I made a promising start on the words other things intruded in to my mind to bog it down. They brought in to focus all those discussions with the former mistress describing her PTSD and the abject fear present at various times in her life. Not just fear for her own safety, but fear for the safety of her children, too. The effects have been ongoing for many years now and are as vivid as ever.
I talk with SwirlingFire and you can read about real fear here – SwirlingFire: The First Scent of Fear.
I’ve known a number of people over the years from the kink world that have had similar issues and experiences.
When I roll these thoughts around my head I can’t equate my own experiences of what is essentially limited false fear play with the debilitating effects of the real thing.
I feel like an impostor on this subject. Whereas I might look to dust myself down after a session, to smile at my domme and acknowledge over a cup of coffee that something was a dark mindfuck, I know I leave the session intact with another addition to the good memory bank. My experiences are too sanitised to know what the true reality of crippling fear is. I’ve never had to worry about the fear or terror lingering, even building, over the coming days, weeks, months and years.
I’ve failed this assignment because I find myself unqualified to write on it. Frankly, I sincerely hope I never do feel qualified.
Written for the #WickedWednesday meme of “Fear”. Why not go check out the other posts by clicking on the button.
February 28, 2019 @ 5:11 pm
Indeed, it’s sad when people are qualified to write about this. I’m glad you’re not.
February 28, 2019 @ 5:16 pm
Thank you, Marie. I realised as I tried to write in my normal manner that I knew too many people who are qualified 😢
February 28, 2019 @ 12:15 am
In backing off from your original intent you walked a path of honest sharing and care for others. And that ultimately is a very good thing.
February 28, 2019 @ 12:33 am
Thank you, Indie.
I wasn’t comfortable posting, I sneaked it out. Given the surprising support I’ve had, I realise that discomfort was because I’d exposed myself more than I meant to. Gone outside my comfort zone on more than one level.
Much appreciated xx
February 26, 2019 @ 7:22 pm
It is always OK to not write when you see a prompt that you can not relate to at this time or in the past. In these situations I write fiction but for you that would be a cop out 😉 – I have just posted something on my second blog about eating disorders – i cant tell u how much i enjoy my food – I love food and it loves me 😉 so i posted a photo without writing much about the theme. I am not an expert..You do what u do well – never think you have to post . I am jut glad when u do 😉 x
February 26, 2019 @ 7:37 pm
Funny thing is, when I set out I had plenty to relate to and it all fell flat against the bigger picture. I’ve aborted posts before and not published. This one was different. For the first time I arrived at somewhere completely unexpected.
It didn’t feel right to disown and abandon it – I’ve seen the pain I talked about in the eyes of some I’ve been very close to.
Interesting and correct what you say about what I would view as a cop out. 😲
Insightful as ever, thank you May 😘