As we hurtle through life we navigate it in light of our fears. We restrict ourselves to taking the safe path to avoid crippling anxiety.
I’ve done my own navigation through this for the best part of 30 years. Wanting, or largely fantasising about who and what I could be. The possibility of exposure of my kinks and proclivities always a concern. For much of that time being revealed would have cost me my job and career. So many in the older generations will understand how real and terrifying that possibility was.
There’s the fear of being judged and found wanting against the hypocritical social standards as evidenced by the way the tabloids, even today, jump on ‘kink’ as morally degenerate. The fear of public humiliation.
As someone who has dressed for a very long time, firstly when I labelled for the longest time as a cross dresser and more recently with better understanding of gender dysphoria the harshest judgement is one that I can do to myself. I can look at myself so critically. I’m fortunate in that compared to others whose stories I come across, I don’t descend in to a really bad place but I know exactly how they arrive there because I have a glimpse of what they experience and thankfully I shy away from it.
Over those years I have been blessed with two wonderful people who have seen melody “in the raw”. Not only have they not judged her, they have encouraged her when all I could see was failure. Of course, they saw melody dressed in private and understood the barriers of fear that precluded going public. That was easy for me to justify when I dressed as a caricature ‘sissy’. It’s harder to resolve when trying to pass and look the part.
I find that one of the truly fascinating things about the growth of melody is how calmly she can face the world. Undoubtedly it’s partly to do with age. I can see the end, the time when I don’t need to work any more. It’s partly melody’s influence but the male side has no interest in work or career now, it’s a means to keep going until I don’t need to.
However, the big change is primarily an intangible effect of the hypnosis.
The whole growth of melody is charted by finding that the hypnosis has provided confidence and strength for each next little step. Where melody is changing is in what she projects in public. Over the last year her/our daily dress for work has become increasingly loaded with female symbols. I know from all those years of hiding that I should have been absolutely terrified at her introducing new female elements. The day I switched to wearing 4″ heeled boots to work should have given me a heart attack before I left the house. And yet I was aware of being unconcerned, the sangfroid, the chutzpah – and they were still there the next day when there was an unexpected fire drill and the heels were exposed in public to over 100 people.
That’s an amazing compound effect of the hypnosis from simply encouraging melody to be who she wants to be.
It was brought home to me just last week how extensive the public changes are. I went to see the domme for a hypnosis session. To go out in public all I changed from my work attire was to swap a pair of male trousers for female jeans. Add some colour to the (normally clear gel) nails and some earrings and when I arrived the domme saw no need for me to change outfit to be the full projection of melody, melody was already there in front of her.
I observe small changes but this brought home to me the large changes that have occurred over a quite short period of time.
Beyond rather feminine attire, those changes are not particularly physical. You couldn’t point to a feature and say that’s now female where it wasn’t before. As far as I can tell, the mental confidence gives airing to small differences in posture and mannerisms. Things that provide an aura of feminine fluidity that’s rarely present in males.
Since I was in this space I decided to test it. I took a casual picture of me dressed similarly to how I was on that visit to the domme. Being the weekend I replaced the block heeled boots with stilettos, but that’s about it. I posted it for the #SinfulSunday meme. Not a hint of being nervous about it. Interested in people’s judgement but no fear of being judged – how times change.
Here’s the picture: