[F4Thought] Hopes and Dreams
Dreams, eh ? They’re something I rarely remember. I’ll often have the vague memory that I must have dreamed before awakening yet almost never recall what it was. So it was a bit of a surprise the other week to have a dream I could vividly recall at the time and even now have some of the imagery.
I’d been invited to dinner by a boss of some 30 years ago. Why ? I don’t know, as I grew to loathe him enough to seek a new job. The dinner was some kind of large fondue in the middle of the dining table.
When it came time to pull the meat out of the fondue, it was human. I ended up with a shin, ankle and foot. It was very tasty, I seem to recall.
What that all means, I haven’t clue. It may have been a wakeup call from the sub-conscious realising that certain parts of social media have turned cannibalistic right now.
Hope springs eternal they say. Too often in recent times my response would be “what’s the fecking point ?” And it’s tempting to still think that way.
Many of the dreams I had when younger have been left in tatters by the events of life. I wondered about this and perhaps it was because so many of them were about hiding who I really am.
A month ago I was eagerly calculating how many more days (not years) before I could afford to retire. Events have a nasty habit of catching up with such dreams and it’s obvious that such a retirement is now delayed by several years.
As for hope. Does it spring eternal ? Not if the depression is having fun running rampage through your skull. But you do emerge and a sunny day with the scent of newly emerged wild flowers can bring it back.
Of course I’d hope to have the time, courage and freedom to be able to fully transition. Like many trans people there seems to come a time when this becomes a monomania. I’m not there yet, though so much surrounding articles of hope ultimately comes back to this one overriding hope. I’m not sure that I’d actually call this a dream, body dysmorphia aside, I do see what friends mean when they say that with some work and care I could pass now. For it to be still a dream I’d be back to old days when I just knew that I would never be in a position to pass.
And perhaps this is the way dreams can come true, at least for me. Very slowly as circumstances change and ambitions in one sphere die, the flowering of a different me, the one that looked at the world from behind someone else’s eyes for so long.
If there is one good side to the current lockdown it is that I have time to experiment with looks. Especially hair. The other week someone said I looked particularly fresh-faced and different without them being able to put their finger on why. It was such a simple thing. No longer severely tieing my hair back for the office, it was instead, shaped to frame the face. That simple change in the way a few strands of hair were displayed ameliorated the harsher angular aspect of the face. Instead of looking hard to see the female in the face, it was suddenly harder to see the male.
Now that’s the sort of hope I can grasp and hang on to in times like these.
April 24, 2020 @ 3:25 pm
I love that you got the remark on looking different, and how it made you feel, and how it made you feel. Good on experimenting with looks, Melody. I hope you can keep some of your changes when the lockdown is over.
April 23, 2020 @ 8:15 pm
That’s great that you are finding time and space to experiment. Scary sounding dream, though! I’ll never think of fondue in quite the same way! I hope that happier dreams come your way. Stay safe and well x
April 24, 2020 @ 12:32 pm
I think that in not having to worry about presenting a norm Monday to Friday, the freedom to experiment is really sinking in.
Thank you for reading/commenting and keep safe 🌹🌹
April 27, 2020 @ 3:52 pm
Yes, exactly. There is a freedom that comes from being released from the need to be “on” all the time. Even if it’s for a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of things, it’s nice to be our true selves for while without having the usual pressure to conform and fit in with what is often perceived as “normal” society (whatever THAT is, lol!).
Keep safe xx
April 20, 2020 @ 6:44 pm
I am smiling, reaching the end of this post. Like I can feel your hope and more closely the little difference doing something so simple as your hair can make. (I know it’s not simple, I don’t know how to style my hair) so I’m really pleased to read you get to play around with it right now. One positive of the lockdown 🙂
April 22, 2020 @ 8:11 am
And you do have a lovely smile. When going into the office everyday the concern is there to not draw attention to changes, so I had it all swept back in a ponytail and a constant colour. Being at home during lockdown has let me play with colour and style a bit – big learning curve, too 😛
April 22, 2020 @ 7:41 pm
Haha, thank you.
When you go back to work, do you think you’ll keep some of the changes you might like right now?
April 23, 2020 @ 7:56 am
I’ll probably decide to keep one colour. One that’s quite lighter than they’ve seen before, but not certainly not a red of blond. Style wise, I think I’ll revert to the pony tail or hair clip and just enjoy the more free styles when home. I think there’s a point that if we’re in lockdown long enough, I may not actually care what is seen at work – I’m sure they gossip, anyway 🌹🌹