Judgement

“I can’t believe you did that !!”

My first words in over an hour, though they had been silently going around my head as I left the artist to her work.

“What ?  You mean beating lumps out of your arse followed by needles ?”

“Yeah, that”

Impact play and needles are both major endorphin generators.  When she’s previously combined them the impact play has been comparatively light in order that the needles don’t then produce an overload – though it has been close.

After two hours of impact play it’s taken me five minutes before I can stand, I’m wobbly like Bambi.  The instruction to take my top off and go lay face down on the bench I’m so familiar with from the brainwashing is given, as I watch her wipe the blood off the cane.

I’m pretty sure what’s coming and I have all those internal questions about surviving a potential overload.  It is veering towards the darkness that I find so demonically tantalising.

This is a continuation of her approach started earlier in the year to take me in to places where there’s a distinct possibility I can’t cope.  That I overload and go over the top.  That’s not the goal, but it is accepted as a possible outcome and to not be frightened of it.

It’s a combination of experience aided by hypnosis that sees my thresholds expand beyond all recognition.  There’s also a real change in perspective.  Whereas I used to enter a session looking for coping strategies, I came to recognise this as a form of combat.  Now, I’ve learned not to fight the wave but to immerse myself in it and flow with it.  Of course there’s turbulence within the wave, difficulties to keep afloat, but fighting it is a waste of energy and stops me going as far into it as I really want to.

All this going through my head as I feel the needles piercing the skin and analysing the effects of the build up of endorphins.

Eighteen months ago either part of this session would probably have been overload, now she has me able to process some serious pressures.

Despite mentally and physically coping, laying on the bench as the needles went in and out, it’s still a form of trauma, albeit invited and the body has to deal with it.  If I’d resembled new born Bambi after the impact play, getting up from this was like Bambi with broken legs.

Coffee with some of the stash of Jelly Babies I carry at times like this are a very welcome aid to adjust back to normal and be ready to face the long journey home.  It’s a time to talk with no barriers.

“That was bold judgement on your part” I say.

And then I realise what that actually means.  Her judgement wasn’t about her potentially overloading or harming me, the judgement was in her confidence at my ability to go somewhere deep and difficult of her devising.   That’s affirming.  It’s also an essential part of how submission works for me – submission to someone who knows me inside out, who expects me to live up to those expectations – yes that’s all pretty addictive and will take me further each and every time.

Today ?  Quite vicious sub-drop and well worth it.