Asexuality: A Personal Q&A
You’re asexual, so you hate sex ? Often that’s about the most informed people are regarding being asexual. Some think you’re seriously mis-wired, some think you just haven’t met the right partner to bring you out of it. I don’t particularly take offence at that, though I do note that the same response to somebody homosexual that they just haven’t met the right person to make them heterosexual is, these days, regarded as deeply offensive.
Of course, it’s a long way from ‘hating’ sex. For me it’s an antipathy, a complete lack of interest in the physical aspects of sex. There are three main pillars to asexuality.
- Lack of, or low sexual desire
- Lack of, or low sexual arousal
- Lack of, or low sexual attraction
Unfortunately, asexual seems to be an ever burgeoning label encompassing ever more sub-labels for one individual to understand their relationship to it, let alone others who hear the word, smirk, and move on. I hate labels, but sometimes they’re the only way to explain who/what I am.
In general terms, the labelling allows for people to identify as asexual if they tick the box for one or more of those pillars. That can come across as really odd, to exhibit no sexual attraction and yet have high arousal, or sex drive – generally satiated by masturbation.
For the avoidance of doubt here, I tick all those pillars to the extent that saying “I identify as asexual” is almost offensively wishy-washy. The proper phrase for me is: “I am asexual”.
Obvious question #1: Are you a virgin ?
No, curiosity and hormones played their part in younger life. What I will say is that I never really saw the point of it. I can place that in context now, which I couldn’t back then. It suggests that the earliest, even pre-puberty, manifestation was the lack of sexual attraction. The kind where lust leads to relationships and love. That sort of lust has never been present.
Obvious question #2: How has this manifested ? Was it always there ?
I know now that it was always there. What I couldn’t know at the time was how much of a driver it really was. The time as a chastity sub has to be a prime manifestation and path on the journey. Yes, the initial play was on arousal, as it generally is with chastity. However, that soon played out and more interesting things took over, such as controlling and eliminating the sexual desire and arousal. Hence the very easy transition to permanent chastity. The other thing that turned out to be important here was the beginning of BDSM play.
Obvious question #3: No desire and arousal ? Really ?
My personal experience is that for most of my early years arousal and subsequent masturbation was about the sensation of the orgasm. It was more about obeying some natural imperative than eroticism. Permanent chastity broke that link. The longer without orgasm, the less importance it holds. Similarly, arousal no longer has a purpose. I might qualify that to say that arousal does not have to mean erection. There maybe an occasional tummy tingling internal feeling of arousal, but that never translates to erection and desire to orgasm.
Obvious question #4: What about fantasising about sex ?
Nope. Does not happen. I don’t mean to deflate anyone’s bubble given that a number of sex bloggers may read this. But I get no arousal or triggered fantasies from erotic literature. I can get quite involved with a well told story that includes sex, however, writing designed to minimise the time between being opened and the reader operating one-handed will leave me completely unmoved.
Obvious question #5: How does being asexual affect participation in BDSM ?
It was an absolute delight to find that kink and BDSM can bypass that sex thing. My first mistress was the one to whom I was in chastity, so it’s no surprise there was no sex. Not just no opportunity from within chastity, but an absolute limit in behaviour. I know that limit really annoys many subs. To me it was an absolute boon, I never had to worry about performing sexually. What I did, and do, get out of it is the incredible intimacy of submission. Being able to relax in an incredible relationship with another person with no sexual overtones or pressures.
Obvious question #6: Does asexuality conflict with gender dysphoria ?
In the light of more recent understanding, I have memories of wanting to be female from when I was 4 or 5. At puberty, I would say that the raging hormones were probably limited by the then unknown low interest in sex. Since then, the two have undoubtedly been side-by-side in being a part of who I am. If I transitioned, I don’t see any change in the need or desire for sexual activity.
Obvious question #7: Does asexuality compliment gender dysphoria ? Which drives which ?
I’ve always had a castration fetish – it’s what brought me into contact with my current domme. I do now feel that the strength of that desire has been accentuated by the asexuality. In effect, I’ve never been bothered by the thought of losing male genitalia because I have had no use for them for a long time. As for which drives which, I’d have to conclude that the gender dysphoria has influenced my asexual behaviour. It has probably helped dial down any sexual desires and behaviours and made the result a lot easier to understand and live with than might otherwise be the case.
I’ve a long way to explore on the asexual theme. It’s certainly a complicated one as all sorts of behaviours can have people identifying as asexual in so many sub-label ways. The last thing I want to do is set some sort of purity bar, though it’s tempting when people pull the label out of the air as a way of needing to belong to something.
I think I’m way too far down the road of life to have a major revelation and change at this stage. I’ve discovered the big picture of my life, it’s the shading I’m still looking for.
April 4, 2019 @ 1:12 pm
Melody, what a great informative post, Q&A was indeed the best format and I feel very much more informed now. The longer we are friends, the less I want to ask prying questions but this gave me a better understanding of the ‘map’ to your journey.
If you felt up to writing it, I’d be interested to read a post on castration fetish.
April 4, 2019 @ 1:30 pm
Thank you, Posy.
I know I’ll be back to this topic at some point and it needs to be played out in bite sized chunks, each kept on point.
That’s an interesting suggestion that I’ll think about and maybe tackle over the weekend. It could have a few surprises in it 😉😉
You’re free to ask prying questions whenever you want.
March 23, 2019 @ 12:12 pm
So glad to have read this – I missed it when you put it out last week, between jobs.
Your Q & A helped confirm some bits I knew and enlightened me on others. I wish more people would write in this way as even though I am a sex blogger I feel i quite naive to a lot of things about sexuality etc
““I identify as asexual” is almost offensively wishy-washy. The proper phrase for me is: “I am asexual”. – Yesss! x
March 23, 2019 @ 12:27 pm
Thank you May, I’m glad you caught up with the post.
A Q&A format seemed a lot better than some ramblings that were hard to connect. I have to smile, if anyone would see the point between “identify” vs “am”, you would. Words are supposed to have definite meanings.
I’ll happily add to this post if anyone puts more questions.
Love & Friends #SoSS #70 - Rebel's Notes
March 23, 2019 @ 11:30 am
[…] you want to read a very informative and personal post about asexuality, please read Asexuality: A Personal Q&A by Melody, as the answers you are looking for might just be in […]
March 19, 2019 @ 11:18 am
Thank you, Melody, for taking the time to write this post. It’s very informative and taught me things I didn’t know.
March 17, 2019 @ 1:02 pm
Hello Melody, I’ve just discovered your web blog! How can I subscribe? When are they/you bring MrsSilks wonderful website and chatroom back? I’ve met so many fantastic people there!
March 17, 2019 @ 1:12 pm
Thank you for reading and commenting. If you’re not a WordPress user the simplest way to be notified of new posts is, from the front page, look about halfway down the righthand side for “Subscribe to Blog via Email” and sign up with your email address – you’ll get an email when a new post is made.
I should reiterate that I have no affiliation with the Mrs Silks website and no knowledge of any future status of the site. My own thoughts are that the longer it is down, the less chance there is of it coming back.