Self-Destructive Subs
Content Warning: Discusses non-consensual activities – Blackmail
I saw a picture on my Twitter timeline that set off all my tics and triggers about the blurring of consent.
Short and brief as it is, this picture taken from a tweet with all identifying information removed, is the stuff of wet dreams for many male subs.
To be clear, the blanked out signature is that of a sub and there are two dommes whose names I have blanked.
Subs, especially male subs, have a tendency to want to dig themselves deeper in to a hole. This is not a bratty type of behaviour to push a dominant, it is the intentional creation of predicaments that can be bowel watering in response to long held dark and terrifying fantasies. The additional factor is that he knows he’s going to want to ‘wimp out’ as the predicament pressures become more frightening. To that end, as a backstop it’s not an uncommon desire to be locked into the predicament, to ensure there’s no way out, to play out the fantasy to its ultimate conclusion, no matter how detrimental or destructive it is. It’s a classic example of the penis over-ruling the brain in a major way.
I don’t know who the sub is, but the two dommes are well enough known in the FinDomme community and as a rule I would normally place them on the more ethical range of that activity. I’m sure that all concerned consider themselves satisfied with the wording here because the sub has given signed consent and the games can begin.
There’s one major problem with this. You can’t give consent to blackmail. Blackmail is illegal since by definition the pressures of blackmail to force someone into something they don’t want to do is non-consensual. There is a grey area in many aspects of kink play in the form of consensual non-consent. This is not one of them.
This level of irresponsibility from all parties can make me despair at times, even though I understand what’s going through his mind quite well. My long experience of chastity had very similar drivers and a need to keep digging deeper in to the darkness. What was different is that the consent could be removed and the activities stopped (though there are ways to make that virtually impossible). That may be impossible in the blackmail scenario unless you’re engaged with an ‘ethical’ blackmailer – now that’s an oxymoron if ever there was one.
The simple message is that consent to illegal activities is no defence in court.
A Google search will find you sites where example contracts can run into several pages. Indeed, I often see Google search terms for this blog for blackmail, chastity and FinDom contracts linking to an earlier post on this blog. There’s a lot searching for this kind of enforced slavery and misery.
The capacity of the human psyche to seek darkness and self-destruction is disturbing and there’s a lot out there seeking it.
Written for the #sb4mh meme of “Triggers”. Why not go check out other posts by clicking on the button.
July 20, 2019 @ 4:59 pm
Thank you for writing this post. I can’t say it even surprises me, but this is definitely one of those instances where people need to be protected from themselves. I can see why the thought is exciting, but you can take it too far. After all, there’s still life outside of kink too.
July 20, 2019 @ 5:07 pm
Thank you, Liz.
For some subs (especially male) there’s a deep dark compulsion to offer themselves to the point of destruction, even to be thrown away when they are of no further value. It’s an area not often considered and if it is, it’s dismissed with a hand wave of YKINMK.
BDSM can have great value and meaning in a person’s life. I want to see it used positively.
melody xx
July 20, 2019 @ 1:22 pm
I wasn’t even aware that this kind of thing was on Twitter but I searched for it when I had read this and found lots of tweets regarding consensual blackmail.It seems so bizarre to me and I am wondering if they actually know is not a “legal thing” even though they have signed? I continue to learn new info from your posts Melody! x
July 20, 2019 @ 1:44 pm
Most don’t know that it’s illegal (at least under UK law). And as you’ll have gathered it’s a very powerful fantasy for a significant number of subs. It doesn’t take more than a small percentage of those to have an available market for the less ethical component of the FinDomme scene.
When I tracked this a few years ago, the behaviour could be diabolical, especially with US dommes where a court may take notice of a ‘consent’ contract as mitigation. Lives ruined, not just the sub, but his family – and the sub would still be coming back for more.
Sadly, I never under estimate the ability of a male sub to wish for and seek self-destruction.
July 19, 2019 @ 1:10 am
Thank you so much for writing this. i have had similar thoughts every time someone brought up blackmail as a kink, or something they engage in with their partner in a D/s dynamic. I think those that sign a contract like that are most likely overriden with the desire to be destroyed and humiliated. It is a common desire for subs, but this one just takes it a step further where you are literally running at risk to destroy your life, your reputation, your relationships. I see this as self-destructive behaviour, which borders on severe self-harm (self-harm doesn’t have to be physical, after all). I would still not tell anyone not to do it, and while I am all for everyone to explore all their kinks consensually, I am still wondering how sane and safe the people engaged are if it comes to blackmail, because as you said, blackmail is about non-consent. A confusing part of D/s I might never totally grasp.
July 19, 2019 @ 7:03 am
Great comment, thank you.
My first encounters with this were in seeing people’s live destroyed and the (usually domme) blackmailer getting intense pleasure from seeing not just one person destroyed but potentially a whole family. Yes, those are extreme cases, but they do exist – more likely in jurisdictions like the US where some weight may be given to a signed consent. In the UK the legal precedent is the Spanner case which essentially ruled that you can’t give consent to being harmed.
Interesting point you have, can you have a little ‘light blackmail’ in a D/s dynamic. I can see lots of grey and blurred edges there, but it boils down to one simple question, can you say no ? If you can’t then it’s non-consensual, end of argument.
melody x
July 18, 2019 @ 8:34 pm
Normally I’m a live and let live person in terms of kink, but reading that image made me gasp the moment I saw “Blackmail” like nope, nope, nope, not even possible. It’s a little scary what people will allow (or think they will).
July 18, 2019 @ 9:27 pm
Thank you, Kayla. The long and windy path I’ve taken through kink has often been alongside this kind of thing where the fantasy dreamers on both sides of it try to normalise and rationalise it as true slavery and very hot. It’s appalling when put into action.
This is where “be careful what you wish for” is more than a smug aphorism.
melody xx